


STRANGER; 낯선 사람

by tefztable



Series: STRANGER; 낯선 사람 [1]
Category: Jeon Jungkook - Fandom, Kim Taehyung - Fandom, Park Jimin - Fandom, bts, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alpha Min Yoongi | Suga, Angst, Army, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Kim Taehyung | V, Jealous Jeon Jungkook, Jealousy, Jeon Jungkook & Park Jimin are Best Friends, Jeon Jungkook is Bad at Feelings, Kim Taehyung | V & Park Jimin are Best Friends, Kim Taehyung | V is Good at Feelings, Korean Army, Korean Characters, Law Student Jeon Jungkook, Law Student Park Jimin (BTS), Literature Student Kim Taehyung | V, Love Triangle, Love Triangles, M/M, Min Yoongi | Suga is Bad at Feelings, Mystery, Possessive Park Jimin (BTS), Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut, Trilogy, Twitter, University Student Kim Taehyung | V, Unresolved Sexual Tension, bts - Freeform, flex, flex smut, jikook angst, kpop, taekook angst, taekook smut, vintage, vmin angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:15:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 66,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27115945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tefztable/pseuds/tefztable
Summary: Part one; House of Cards; 1995.Kim Taehyung is a young college student who is forced to deal with his sexuality when he meets the strange Jeon Jungkook. His best friend, Park Jimin, is oddly overprotective and finds himself in the eye of the hurricane. For how long can they pretend to play house until it all inevitably falls apart?Part two; War of Hormone; 1989.Kim Taehyung is a deranged teenager that finds comfort within vandalism and his childhood friend, Kim Namjoon. When a weird student from Busan shows up on his first day of senior year and a socially awkward girl starts following him around, a war among confused teenagers and stupid power games begin, and it changes their lives forever.Part three; The Truth Untold; 2001.South Korea, 2001. Kim Taehyung finds comfort in nothing and no one. There is a void of nothingness inside his chest as he navigates his early thirties; learning to look at his past with kinder lenses and taking responsibility for his own mistakes.
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, Kim Taehyung | V/Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Taehyung | V/Original Female Character(s), Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin
Series: STRANGER; 낯선 사람 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979233
Comments: 17
Kudos: 26





	1. House of Cards

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this fanfiction is a trilogy that happens in 1995, 1989 and 2002 respectively. every cultural aspect of this fanfiction is based on south korean culture, coming from endless research about current and vintage cultural markings. other than that fun trivia, it's a great story!
> 
> i hope you enjoy this quarantine child of mine just as much as i enjoyed writing it. i am truly proud of it.
> 
> comment and kudos if you like it, there's nothing that would make me happier.
> 
> steph x

I find it amazing how people come and go so easily. For a moment, they’re everything, you build your future around them and make plans, and then it’s over whether it takes you a second or twelve months to realize it.

 _“Kim Tae-hyung, nice to meet you”_ , is all it takes.

I’ve grown used to goodbyes in my mediocre life, although it still hurts. They could leave because they wanted to and it hurt for all the memories we wouldn’t make together, and I’d mourn their loss no matter how _very much_ alive they were. Or I could leave them because it would not be fair to them if I stick around loveless, or they could leave because they had no choice. They come and they go, and they leave a stain sometimes strong enough to change me and turn me inside out.

And there I was, turned inside out — pink flesh, limbs pulsating and arteries doing their job with no skin to cover them in the hot weather of August. The year was 1995 and I was back to college one more time, feeling shittier than ever because of a girl named Moon-young. Those back to school moments seemed endless and somehow different every time. This girl really had done a number on me, and I believed it wasn’t _not_ on purpose.

“You look like shit”, Jimin said as soon as he laid eyes on me. “It is my job as your hyung to pay you a drink to help you get over Moon-young-ssi”, he pointed at me with a long silver spoon and his chest puffed.

“You’re two months older than me, ‘hyung’ is pushing it.”

I looked back at my plate and took a spoonful of rice to my mouth. Jimin was right though, I looked like shit. It was the first day back and I didn’t even bother to take a shower, shave or do my hair, my clothes were poorly chosen and even my posture was screaming reclusiveness. She _really_ did a number on me.

“My class is going out to a barbecue place today. You should come with us, start moving your butt around, continue with your life. I’ll pay you a drink, for real”, he argued — and he really didn’t have to work so hard on convincing me to go, but I kept quiet to get myself some free drinks.

“A’ight, I’ll think about it”, I smiled with the corners of my mouth. “You sure I won’t stand out amongst a bunch of fancy law students?”

“You stand out like a sore thumb anywhere you go, what’re you talking about?” Jimin gave me a warm smile that made his eyes disappear as he punched my arm, giggling at his own joke that made his Busan dialect show.

Jimin and I had known each other since high school, which at that point wasn’t that long ago, but we hit it off instantly. Jimin was a transfer student from Busan, he seemed shy and weird with his pitch-black coconut hairstyle from the very first day of school, so I thought _‘this kid must be decent, he has a cool Ghost in the Shell pin on his backpack’_. The manga series had just been released that year of 1989 and we were both so obsessed with it that it made us unstable — honestly, our families should’ve worried about our mental state. Luckily, there was a girl one year younger than us — Seo Ye-ji was her name — that loved it just as much and she’d bring balance to our newly found friendship. Many words would go unsaid between us and we’d understand them loud and clear. 

Jimin knew that I needed a shower and a little bit of socialization in order to feel better. I knew it too, just didn’t want to admit it. It was too comfortable being the victim — I get to sit around moping while Ko Moon-young has to live with herself. I violently washed my hair that day while swearing to myself to never get caught on a pretty girl’s net ever again. Especially older girls. Older girls with fine legs and perfect necks who knows what they want and will never let anyone get in the way-

I shaved.

I smelt nice. I had my good clothes on. I was ready to get back to my life as nothing happened, my path never crossed hers. 

I met Jimin at the Hoegi Station where he greeted me with a bear hug — a baby bear hug considering the size of his arms - and a welcoming smile. “Oh Taehyung-ah, you look so handsome I almost didn’t recognize you.”

“Yeah, sure”, I knew he probably meant it but he made it seem so sarcastic — just to ease the fact that he was complimenting me — that it didn’t make me feel flattered.

We took the train all the way down to the Wangsimni Station and walked for about fifteen minutes before we found the barbecue place. It was a long way but I was optimistic and prepared to have good experiences that night, so I didn’t mind the walk. I was living at a student flat near Seoul University at the time and had grown used to taking a long time to get to places. By bus or by train, believe me, Hoegi-dong seemed far from everything.

When we got to the place, I wanted to kill Jimin. 

“I don’t know if I can afford this”, I stopped at the door.

He took me by the elbow and dragged me inside and I reluctantly let him, convincing myself I’d have to pretend I’m a vegetarian for the night. “It’s okay, it’s okay”, he kept saying. These were the only times I felt there were differences between us.

“Hey guys”, he said hello to everyone at the table. “This is Taehyung.”

“Hi”, I said shyly and they all replied. I recognized a few faces from other occasions, those whom I recognized showed me a smile and a bow, I did the same.

The guys were dressed nicely, they all had good haircuts and freshly shaven faces. Girls were pretty, most of them wearing short skirts to enjoy the hot weather outside. Jimin let go of my arm and we both sat side by side on the closest spare seats at the table.

You see, people can come just as fast as they go, and just as unexpectedly.

“Are you from my class? I’ve never seen you”, the guy sitting next to me caught me off guard by suddenly starting to make conversation.

“Ah, no, I’m not. I’m from the same University”, I took a good look at his big eyes as he swallowed a piece of meat.

The unknown fella held a bottle of soju with his right hand and served it to me. My attention was brought to his hands, filled with tattoos. I was intrigued, you didn’t see many of those in South Korea, as they were illegal. I thanked him, held the tiny glass with my right hand and turned to the side to take the alcohol. He seemed younger than me and his cheeks were reddened, I expected him to say something else after that but he didn’t. He was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt in the Summer. I was definitely intrigued.

It was a common night out with Jimin and his friends, we drank a lot, ate a lot and had a good share of laughs. I talked mostly with Jimin, Seokjin, and Hoseok, both of them being the closest friends to Jimin so we had hung out a few times prior. They were really fun to drink with, both of them had an aura that filled the entire room even when they were silent - a rare occasion since they were either laughing or making jokes all the time. People asked them their opinions about things and went quiet when they spoke seriously - I understood why everyone loved them.

“Have you been talking to Ye-ji?” Jimin sparked her memory in me as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He spoke quietly so that only I could hear him. He was already drunk from what his breath smelt like, so I had to go easy on my drinks to make sure he would get home safe.

“I send her letters from time to time, she seems to be enjoying herself in Japan. She says we’re cuter than her Japanese friends, though”, we laughed, but our smiles slowly faded into a reminiscing frown.

“I miss her so much, Taehyung-ah!” He whined, this time wrapping both of his arms around me. I was feeling a bit tipsy myself, so I didn’t mind. I missed her too.

I looked at the guy with big googly eyes by my side and he so happened to be looking at me already. I was in Jimin’s arms when we exchanged eye contact, and I suddenly felt uncomfortable with it. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, so I unwrapped his arms and told him to stop.

“ _Aigooo_ , it’s almost like you don’t care”, he complained and I actively ignored him. He knew that I cared more than anyone. More than him.

I used to have a crush on Ye-ji, but then again, who didn’t? She’s an amazing girl. Her smile lit up her tiny face and could end wars. Korea would never be overpowered again if it depended on Seo Ye-ji, she can hold that kind of power in the corners of her mouth with ease.

But I’m over her now.

The long-haired guy used his right hand to pour me more drinks, his long earrings dangling at every movement he made. I felt bad for not serving him, so I closely watched him drink so that I could fill his cup next time. He was definitely an eccentric one, quiet and elegant as a black cat, he caught your attention even if he didn’t say anything. We were exchanging looks all night without a word. He must've thought I was a creep for staring so much, so I tried to stop myself — but I had to fill his cup.

“What do you think about President Kim Young-sam’s globalization plan?” His words caught me off guard again.

“The what?” I asked.

“President Kim’s plan”, he replied. A man of few words.

I gathered my thoughts. This dude was asking me about politics in the middle of a barbecue place. 

“Oh, well. I don’t think we should teach English at our high schools”, I took a sip. “We don’t need to westernize Korea to be successful. We didn’t _just_ become a Republic to walk around speaking a Western language, did we? No. We had to speak Japanese for way too long.”

“You weren’t even born then”, he commented as he took a piece of meat to his mouth.

“ _Aish-_ ”, he left me speechless. “I was closer to being born than you were.”

As I observed him, I came to the conclusion he hadn’t served yet. He had a sparkle in his eyes that little boys have when there’s still hope for their future, _pabo_. When he finished his cup, I quickly held the closest drink to serve him, but he stopped me by covering the lid of the cup with his hand. 

“Thank you”, he politely declined without looking at me. I didn’t know if I was offended or hurt that he wouldn’t let me serve him.

I took a good look at the tattoos and a few Latin letters stood out from the rest. I assumed that he was in favor of President Kim’s globalization plan, otherwise he would never permanently brand his skin with a Western alphabet. I expected that weird little fella to share his opinion with me, but he didn’t. I felt that I had lost the timing to ask back, so I turned to Jimin to pry on his conversation and he welcomed me with his arm around my waist.

“I will buy you drinks Taehyung-ah, but only if you treat me with the respect a hyung deserves”, he giggled in my ear and I rolled my eyes at his attempt to make him my hyung.

“You’re not going to let this pass, are you?”

“Absolutely not. I want to hear you say it.”

I groaned.

“Taehyung-ah! Say you love me too”, he pouted with his pink plump lips wet with alcohol. 

“A’ight, _I love you hyung_ ”, I quickly said to get this over with and prevent us from more embarrassment.

When we closed the tab, Jimin paid for my part as promised. Everybody was leaving for round two, but we had to leave to catch the last train to Hoegi Station - a shame, really. For some reason, I felt like staying more. I don’t think Jimin could handle the second round of drinks though, so us leaving was probably for the best.

I walked Jimin from the station to his flat to make sure he was safe. He struggled to get the password in so I did it for him. _701230_ , my birthday.

“Do you want to stay?” Jimin stumbled in.

I pouted as I pondered - my student flat was only a few streets down, but Jimin’s bed was only a few steps away. I shrugged and accepted his offer. It wouldn’t be the first or last time this happened.

We took our shoes off, undressed to our underwear, and lied down to sleep, too tired or drunk to take a shower. Some people might find our relationship weird because of how close we are, but this was ordinary for us. We’d lie down and bring comfort to each other whether it be by words or an innocent cuddle in the night.

“Thank you for today, I’m feeling a lot better”, I threw my arm and leg across him, cuddling his tiny body. My eyes closed, head spinning.

“Don’t mention it”, he mumbled already half-asleep.

“I’m thinking of getting a perm”, I also mumbled half-asleep.

“You should totally get it”, he said with a high voice followed by a soft snore.

**feeling small**

It was a random Friday in that semester that I would remember the rest of my life. I was feeling good about myself, I had finally gathered the courage to perm my hair and the weather in September wasn’t as scalding hot as August of that year, so I could comfortably walk around campus. After my morning classes were over, I was meeting Jimin for lunch as usual, but something felt odd about him. He seemed distressed and when he looked at me, he told me to hurry up.

“Kim Taehyung”, he held me by my shoulders. “Brace yourself for what I’m about to tell you.”

He looked so serious that I did not question him. I took a deep breath with my eyes closed. “What’s wrong?”

“Ghost in the Shell is being turned into an anime movie!” Jimin’s voice became higher by each word he said and I just couldn’t believe what was coming out of his mouth. It threw shivers all up my spine. He smiled so widely that his eyes completely disappeared, his tiny legs jumping up and down in the middle of campus and before I knew it he was taking me with him.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God Jiminie!” We held each other and jumped. “That’s going to be so cool, I might actually die”, I held my chest.

“Who’s dying?” A friendly voice was heard. I looked behind me and it was that kid from the barbecue place. My heart skipped a beat when I recognized his face underneath a black bucket-hat and I held my chest tighter, the smile on my face instantly fading. He must’ve really surprised me.

I let go of Jimin and look straight up at the guy. “No one.”

“Oh, it’s you”, he pointed as he recognized me. “Did you do something to your hair?”

I felt nervous, I didn’t want to say that I permed my hair, it would be embarrassing. I didn’t know what to answer so an awkward smile followed by an awkward silence filled the open air of a random Friday afternoon at Seoul University.

“Well, see ‘ya”, he waved as he was ready to leave us and a sense of relief filled my body. I noticed my muscles had been tensed the whole time. This kid really bothers me for some reason.

“Jungkook-ssi, are you going to lunch? Want to join us?” Jimin cheerfully proposed. The kid stopped and looked at us for a few seconds before he shook his head.

And there we were, the three of us walking towards the restaurant in the dead silence. If I wasn’t so happy about Ghost in the Shell, I would’ve killed Jimin. As an attempt to make conversation, I asked “what was your name again?”.

“I’m Jeon Jung-kook”, his monotone voice answered, but he didn’t ask me back.

“Kim Tae-hyung, nice to meet you”, I said with a subtle hint of sarcasm that only Jimin would catch. 

We paid for our meals and sat at a table. 

“Enjoy your food”, we said to each other. Jimin made a decent effort to fill the silence and I need to give him credits for that. He was nice at mediating a conversation between two strangers. “Do you like Ghost in the Shell?”

“I mean, who doesn’t?” He seemed to be a bit more friendly when speaking to Jimin, this Jungkook guy.

“We just got the news that they’re turning it into an anime!” Jimin smiled widely again, but this time I was able to see his pupils so I knew he was keeping it cool in front of other people. We tend to do that.

“Is that what you were jumping about?” Jungkook smiled with one corner of his mouth, looking down at his plate and his eyes covered by his hat. Almost as though he was making fun of us, but he was the only one in it. There were two against one and yet I felt overpowered by his presence.

“Well, it’s just that me and Taehyungie really enjoy the manga so we’re pretty excited”, Jimin explained.

Jungkook’s smile widened at the mention of my name. I scolded Jimin with my eyes and he questioned me with his, clueless. In that lunch we shared I came to the conclusion that this kid is annoying. I didn’t like how small he made me feel.

“What is your major anyway? If you’re not in Law”, he asked directly to me.

“Oh?” I was surprised at his sudden interest. “Uh- I’m in Literature.”

He mumbled a “ _cool_ ” with his mouth full of kimchi fried rice. This guy was wearing long sleeves in the daytime as well and extremely oversized clothes. I wondered if he was insecure about something, because he was clearly trying to hide under all of those layers. I told myself I shouldn’t let someone younger than me bother me that much.

“Thank you for the company, guys. I have an appointment now, so I have to go”, he said. “Are you coming to Itaewon tonight? J-Hope will be there”, he spoke only to Jimin.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay, see ‘ya.”

I gave him an insincere smile and waved as he walked away quickly. Once he walked out the door, I looked at Jimin.

“That was excruciating don’t do that ever again this kid is weird as fuck look at him he has tattoos on his hands- he’s rude as fuck”, I took a deep breath. “When’s Ghost in the Shell releasing? Who’s J-Hope? Where are you going tonight?”

The important information was that Ghost in the Shell would be in South Korean theaters in November. Me and Jimin proceeded to talk about it for the rest of the lunch and an extra hour before my part-time job. He told me to go with him to Itaewon and I really did _not_ want to do that for many different reasons, but somehow I found myself shaving to go to Itaewon. Next thing I knew, I was spending thirty minutes trying to decide what to wear. I’m usually a guy who cares about his looks, but even for me, that was excessive. I had to please no one but myself, so why was I trying to fit in among Jimin’s friends? I felt like I had to prove myself to these people, make them know I’m worthy of being there just as much as them. I planned to ask this Jungkook guy who constantly looks down at me what his brilliant opinion about President Kim’s globalization plan is.

Itaewon is so far. It’s so expensive. I had no idea how we would get home, but Jimin assured me that we would figure it out together. I made him promise he wouldn’t drink too much because I didn’t want to babysit him this time. As usual, I met him at the bus stop. Itaewon was inaccessible by train. I hadn’t gone out in a few weeks so I had a little extra money saved from my part-time to spend that night, so I wasn’t as worried about it as the barbecue night.

I had many different part-times in my college years and eventually, they all became a blur, I never knew when one ended and another began. In that time specifically, I worked at a bookshop - and I only remember because it was my favorite out of the hundreds I went by. My mother worked her ass off at a restaurant in Daegu to pay my college expenses and I never for a second took that for granted, taking every part-time I could to ease on her side. I dreamed of the day when I would send her money. She had to return to her hometown after my father passed away and I enlisted, desperately trying to survive and give me a better chance at life than her. I called her every day and always missed her company. I constantly missed a lot of things and a lot of people, but it became more bearable as time went by.

I have my priorities set straight, though - I still needed to have fun in order to function in my day-to-day obligations. My mind had to be healthy if I wanted to be anyone in life, so I did whatever it took, even if that meant to spend a few extra wons to have drinks with Jimin.

“Cool shirt”, he commented nonchalantly. “Is it new?”

“Not exactly”, I said as I looked down at myself. “My mom sent it to me a while ago.”

“Looks good”, he gave me a thumbs up.

It was a long-sleeved dark patterned shirt, the fabric was light and comfortable on the skin, so I cursed myself for not wearing it sooner. Jimin had blue jeans and a plain white shirt on, so there wasn’t a lot to compliment. The nineties were the decade that Koreans wore jeans as though their lives depended on it and I can’t say that I was an exception, that night, however, I wore something different and _avant-garde_ : black jeans. I’d say my sense of fashion has definitely improved since high school - can’t say the same about Jimin.

“I just thought about that purple beanie you used to wear in high school”, I put my thoughts into words with a reminiscing smile on my lips. “You looked like Piccolo if he were a mama’s boy”, I laughed and Jimin joined me, surprised at the Dragon Ball Z reference.

“What’s that out of nowhere?” He punched my arm while we laughed on the bus. Jimin didn’t even complain about me calling him out on his mama’s boyness because he knew damn well how much of a brat he was.

“Ye-ji would’ve loved that joke”, I commented. She would be the only other person in the world to understand it - seeing that she witnessed brat Jimin herself.

We arrived at the bar late in the night because of my job, everyone was there once we stepped in. It wasn’t an event as big as the barbecue, rather more intimate with about seven people gathered at the table. Jimin said hello to everyone and held me by the arm to guide me around the table, telling me he wanted to sit next to the window. I said my hellos as well and sat where he told me to.

“ _Sunbae_ ”, I heard someone talk directly at me.

It was Jungkook. He was sitting across from me, staring with his huge expressive eyes. What was this kid calling me Sunbae for?

“Hi”, I said and looked away.

I ordered a few drinks for me and Jimin, served him and we raised our glasses before I turned to the side and gulped down the beer in just a few seconds. Catching my breath, I realized something. “ _Jiminie_ ”, I looked at him. “You’re taking care of me today.”

One more time, I turned to the side and gulped down the beer - this time mixed with soju to give it an extra kick. Jimin warned me to go a little bit slower and gave me a pat on the back, but I felt like I had to get myself drunk in order to start having fun. It didn’t happen though - Law students only talk about Law, or how bad a Law professor is, or how hot they are for hours on end. 

Jungkook, seemingly as bored as I was, served me some soju across the table and a little bit for himself. It confused me when he began to act friendly, since I had already labeled him as _not nice_ in my head. The both of us quietly drank as the so-called J-Hope, meaning Hoseok, made fun of a teacher’s mannerisms and copied it perfectly - or so it seemed, I wouldn’t know. The guys were laughing hysterically, so I assumed his imitation was on point. Even Jungkook was laughing - timidly, with his hand covering his mouth, but his entire face lit up so I could tell it was a laugh. 

“So he laughs”, I said under my breath and into my cup.

“What?” Jimin looked at me for the first time in a while.

“Nothing.”

I like to think that I’m a social person, however, I cannot do the impossible. If you put eight Law students and one Literature student on a table, the Literature student is bound to be singled out. I came to the conclusion that I needed to hang out more with people from my course. Even a weird-ass, rude-ass kid like Jungkook is out laughing with his friends while I’m just- me. 

He emptied his cup and as a final tribute to what could’ve been a friendship, I took a can of beer in my right hand and supported my wrist with the left as I stretched my arm across the table to serve him. To my surprise, he did the exact same thing by covering the lid, showing off a few silver rings.

“Thank you”, he declined again.

I looked at him in the eyes, but he barely spared me a glance, too focused on whatever he was talking about with Seokjin. I took the beer to my lips and drank whatever was left of it straight from the can.

“I’m going to have a wee”, I said to whoever was willing to hear it.

I got up and felt the world spin around me. My legs poorly did what they were told, so I made my best efforts not to fall down. I questioned my life choices and my entire existence as I peed - _why am I here?_ Literally here. What was I thinking when I decided to come to a bar in Itaewon with a bunch of Law students?

I walked out of the bathroom and jumped. Jungkook scared me every time he showed up, making my heart race. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost”, he commented. 

“ _Ya_ ”, I clenched my jaw. He looked way soberer than me. His hair was long enough now so he could put it behind his ear, but he only had one side pulled back. He looked feminine, but the asymmetry annoyed me. I almost reached out to make both of them even.

“What?” Jungkook’s voice was calm and stable, he was definitely soberer than me.

“Why won’t you let me serve you?” 

He blinked a few times and I reclined against the wall, tired of standing on my two feet. “What?”

“Why won’t you let me serve you drinks?” I asked him again, this time not controlling my voice and being disproportionately angry at the severity of the situation.

Jungkook looked away, he seemed to be gathering his thoughts or trying to remember something. “Ah!” He remembered, laughing lightly. “I don’t like beer.”

_Oh._

“Are you okay? You look really red”, Jungkook took one step to look at me closer.

“Aish! It’s the alcohol, can’t you see? I’m fine”, I furrowed my eyebrows attempting to look more annoyed than embarrassed in order to escape that situation as smoothly as possible. He wasn’t a rude-ass kid after all?

Jungkook kept standing there for a few seconds looking at me and sporting a smile on his face, as though he could listen to everything I was thinking and he thought it was amusing how I let myself get worked up over a misunderstanding. _It’s not my fault you’re so weird, kid._

“What are you waiting for?!” I asked aggressively.

“You’re standing against the bathroom door”, he answered calmly and politely despite my lack of such.

“ _Aish_ ”, I felt my entire head burn and walked away before he could see it again.

I was so embarrassed and so done with that place. This poor kid had nothing to do with my low self-esteem and somehow I took it off on him. 

That was my queue to end the night. I paid for my part and told Jimin I was taking a cab home because I was feeling nauseous. Before Jungkook left the bathroom I was quickly out of there. I reassured Jimin I just needed to lie down and that he could enjoy the rest of his evening, he insisted on getting me a cab nonetheless.

“Ah, Jiminie”, my mouth spoke as though it had a life of its own. “I’ve made a fool of myself.”

I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, significantly shorter than mine and incredibly comfortable to rely on. “Why?”

“Ah… _Pabo, pabo, pabo_ ”, I slapped my forehead with the palm of my hand and couldn’t even feel it. “You love me even though I’m stupid, right?”

“You’re not stupid, don’t be stupid”, he scolded me with his kindness and it brought a smile to my face.

“I love you, Jiminie.”

“I love you too, Taehyungie”, he replied, focused on his task of getting me a cab. He raised his short little arm as soon as he spotted one.

“You look so tiny”, I giggled.

“Shut up. Get home safe.”

**norwegian wood**

I’ve learned in my youth that I shouldn’t be so quick to judge people, even if they do bad things or act a certain way, I should listen to them before making a decision. I would learn that I, myself, was capable of doing bad things even though I didn’t mean it. To look at myself in the mirror and recognize someone capable of doing certain things brought me shame, but only time can show a better understanding of oneself and I was yet to learn that bad things done with good intentions, were bad things still.

He noticed I had changed my hair, served me drinks, asked me about myself and called me Sunbaenim. Jungkook had done nothing wrong and yet I placed myself below him and made excuses to dislike him because he made me feel insecure just by existing and being confident with who he is. I cursed at the wind for days on end, trying to figure out a cure to low self-esteem so I could be truly happy.

I thought of never going out with Jimin’s friends again because I had made a fool of myself in front of them and it was an unpleasant situation, dealing with ten Law students at once. And so I made two promises to myself that semester: to not get involved with good looking, long-legged noonas and to not hang out with Law students by myself. If a next time were to happen, I would bring back up, someone to talk to while they mingle amongst themselves. 

It was the end of October and the weather had never been so nice in South Korea, with the beautiful leaves turned red and orange as Autumn reached, coating the streets with nature’s grandiose red velvet carpet. I was still working at the bookshop and I was planning to keep that job as much as possible, for it was perfect for a Literature student to hang around bookshops for money. They loved that about me because I really knew how to sell a book - or as they used to say, give advice about books -, and I loved to be there, so everyone was winning. My co-worker wasn’t exactly the nicest and most capable person in the world, but she was decent. I could swear she hadn’t read one single book in the past year, making it perfectly clear that she hated reading. Must be a terrible life working with what you hate - not that I loved reading theoretical academic texts about Shakespeare either, I’m no better than her. I just chose something that involved what I could do best.

The bookstore was a small independent place just one bus away from my house, so I became intimate with the owner and the one other book advisor who didn’t read any books. Kim Mi-soo was her name and she made me promise I wouldn’t reveal her secret to our boss - she was honestly quite a scary noona, so I did as I was told. 

She was organizing a few newly arrived books on the shelf as I talked about a random movie I had seen on TV that weekend, the highlight of my Saturday night, when the bell rang indicating that there was a client entering the store. I turned around with a bright smile on my face, just to have it removed by the person walking in. My stomach dropped from embarrassment, that strange feeling of insecurity and self-hatred taking over me.

Jungkook walked in like a cat, knowing exactly where he stepped without making a sound, looking around with genuine interest and reading the title of every book he came across. His big eyes and long sleeves remained the same, touching the books he was interested in reading the counter-cover. I approached him slowly and carefully, he almost didn’t realize I was there. When his eyes met mine, I bowed.

“Welcome”, I said formally.

“Sunbae”, he acknowledged me with a friendly smile. “No need to use honorifics.”

Jungkook wasn’t wearing black that day. The white in his hooded shirt made his face pop out a lot more, he seemed happier with a different color on him. His black hair was waved and going all the way down to his jaw where long silver earrings completed the modern look. He was a good looking fella, no way to deny that. I self-consciously fixed my ugly uniform.

“Do you need any help?” I asked him politely, struggling to keep eye contact. I looked at the book he had in his hands. “Do you like Sci-Fi?”

“Ah, yes- but I was looking for an easy read, though”, he looked at the thick copy of Dune, by Frank Herbert, in his hand.

“This one- This one is fairly easy, but it’s extremely long. You see that brick in your hand? There are eight other sequels”, I laughed once he showed disappointment. “It’s not bad, but it’s a slow read.”

“So what do you recommend, Taehyung-ssi?” Jungkook put the book down and looked around one more time. He had an aura around him that I was yet to figure out what was it about him that made me feel nervous. His confidence in every move was disarming, every word carefully thought of.

I gave it a thought, searched through my mind and the depths of that bookstore. “There’s this one by Haruki Murakami”, I took the book out of the shelf and revealed a beautiful pair of eyes on the cover. “Norwegian Wood, have you heard of it? It’s about a guy navigating through life and dealing with losses.”

“Of course you wouldn’t recommend a Western author”, he smiled as his eyes laid upon the Japanese woman on the cover. It made me question one more time what his political opinions were and most importantly, what sort of judgment he has of me. I furrowed my eyebrows.

“What does that mean?” I asked, taking offense. I am not a xenophobe for defending my country from yet another invasion.

“About President Kim’s plan”, his face went serious again. “That time at the bar, don’t you remember?”

“Of course”, we stood quiet for a few moments. “Anyhow, it’s a great book- I recommend it.”

I bowed my head and walked away from him with a serious look on my face, completely done with that conversation and his insinuations. At the other side of the store, Kim Mi-soo still organized books diligently. I looked at the clock on the wall and let her know that I was to leave soon.

“Excuse me”, Jungkook said behind me. I looked at him. “I want to buy this book.”

He had the Haruki Murakami in his hands that were partly covered by his shirt. I bit my inner cheeks to hide a smirk and walked to the balcony to make the transaction. He did not use cash to pay for the book, which was something you’d rarely see in South Korea at that time. Only the bourgeoisie got to enjoy that gadget, and many people wouldn’t trust their money with it. 

“Uh-”, he tried to say something after I wrapped his book but stopped himself. It was the first time I’d seen him nervous, it was amusing to watch him scratch the nape of his neck, making his newly curled hair messy. “There’s this thing in my house this weekend. My parents are out, so I’m having a few friends over. Do you want to come? Jimin is coming.”

“Ah-”, I tightened my lips at the thought of another Law student gathering. But for some reason, I still wanted to come, so I kept the promise I made to myself. “Can I bring someone?”

“Sure”, he showed me a toothless smile and took a pen out of the counter to write his address. “Saturday at eight o’clock.”

Jungkook and I said our goodbyes and I looked down at the paper, trying to recognize the address. Gangnam-gu. A part of town down the Han River where people like me had no business going.

“ _Shibal_ ”, I cursed under my breath as I learned where he lived and thought to myself, _who could I bring if my only friend was already attending?_

“Noona”, I called out the easiest option. “What are you doing tomorrow at eight o’clock?”

**don’t blush**

A twenty-five-year-old man with a two-year experience in the military and even an academic paper published in a small University magazine. That’s who I thought myself to be, that’s who I objectively was - and for some reason that meant something. My age compared to younger people, my experience in the military and the paper I published were all I had to be proud of at the time. I felt that I had no story worth telling, no opinions worth sharing. Who would care about what a Literature student has to say about anything?

On Saturday afternoon, I groomed myself the best way I could and took a long look in the mirror, contemplating if I would look good with my ears pierced. I closed one eye and pictured, then closed the other and did the same. The conclusion was that I had no confidence to wear extravagant things as Jungkook did. I spent another hour trying to figure out what would be the most appropriate thing to wear for the occasion and on the verge of a mental breakdown, I opted for a pair of blue jeans and baggy maroon toned coats to protect me from the cold Autumn evening. My hair was longer and my perm was fading, but I still enjoyed the messy look. I didn’t meet Jimin before going there and I was pretty sure he didn’t even know I was coming. I had planned to meet Mi-soo at a convenient bus stop so we could get there together.

Me and Mi-soo stopped at a FamilyMart and bought a twelve-pack so we wouldn’t get there empty-handed, but I insisted on paying for it alone. “Where are we going again?” She asked.

“To this party at Gangnam-gu”, I answered her when I finished paying for the beer. “It’s just a few blocks away”, we walked out of the convenience store and only then, it hit me. “ _Shibal!_ ”

“What?” Mi-soo stopped, startled at my sudden reaction.

“He doesn’t like beer”, I gave her the twelve-pack. “Hold this, I’ll be right back.”

I quickly walked back inside and bought about three bottles of soju, which thankfully were a lot cheaper than the beer. When I walked out, I noticed how pretty Mi-soo looked, she had a cute mustard-colored dress that went up to her knees and showed a little bit of her thick thighs. Her hair went down to her chest and was styled curly that night, I had never seen her out of that ugly uniform we had to wear. She was actually quite pretty. “Thank you”, I said as I took the beer back from her. “You look pretty.”

“Ah thanks- you too”, she looked down at my underwhelming outfit and we continued walking.

“I had never seen you out of that stinky uniform. It’s crazy what a single shirt can do to a human being”, I giggled and she looked shocked, hitting me in the arm for making fun of her.

“ _Ya!_ ” She roared.

“Noona, you know it’s true, don’t try to deny it”, she surrendered and we both laughed together, her cheeks turning bright red. “What are you blushing for?”

“‘Cause you’re making fun of me, stupid”, she roared and hit me again. This tiny little woman was strong like an ant, it was like one of my guy friends hit me every time she did it. I concealed the pain to not offend her. “There better be cute guys as promised, Kim Taehyung.”

“Not only cute, but _rich_ guys”, I winked at her suggestively.

We arrived at the house shortly after my _rich guys_ joke. I was right when I thought to myself that people like me (and Mi-soo as well) had no business going there - I don’t think either of us had ever entered a home as big as that one. The entrance consisted of a large black wall and we couldn’t see the inside, but we could see that it was big nonetheless. We rang the doorbell, Mi-soo getting visibly nervous by my side.

“You really meant it when you said rich, _daebak_ ”, her eyes went up and around the wall. “How do you even know these people?”

“Shut up”, I warned when the gate was opened.

There was no one to welcome us, just a stone path through the garden leading to the front door of the house. Mi-soo held my arm and walked behind me, looking around like a little kid discovering the world for the first time. “Are you shy all of a sudden?” I teased her for hiding behind me.

“Shut up”, she quietly scolded.

We approached the opened door and guided ourselves into the house that was dimly lit and had a newly built aspect to it. It had a modern decoration with grey tones and marble details on the wall, the furniture dark toned as well. Mi-soo and I quickly removed our shoes and left it with the many others on the floor.

Jungkook arrived shortly after to welcome us with a bright smile that could possibly make you blind if you weren’t careful enough. “ _Sunbae_!” He greeted me as usual and my stomach reacted to it - which was getting really inconvenient, to say the least. Jungkook wore a large flashy red headband that made his expressive eyes pop, he peeked behind me to see who was hiding there.

“Hey Jungkook-ssi”, I greeted him back and swallowed my saliva. “This is Mi-soo, she works with me.”

“Hi Mi-soo, welcome. Come join us!” He turned his back and my eyes went straight down to his tight pants, this being the first time I see him wearing anything remotely revealing. His legs were unexpectedly muscular and his thighs seemed to be hard as a rock. I wondered why he wore baggy clothes if he had such a nice figure, I’d be showing off at any given chance if it were me with those muscles. “You can put your drinks in the fridge.”

When my eyes wandered back up at my surroundings, we were in the kitchen. “I brought you a few bottles of soju”, I got them out of the bag. “I hope you like peach.”

“I love it, thank you”, he smiled widely again. He seemed to be in a good mood.

I took one beer before loading the fridge with the excessive amount of alcohol I brought and followed Jungkook to the living room, where a few familiar faces sat on the floor around a table and a barbecue grill in the center, grilling a few pieces of meat and bell peppers. There was a huge TV playing karaoke songs but no one with the courage to sing, and the sofas were seemingly out of place to give the living room more space for people to dance. I said my hellos to Seokjin, who was in charge of cropping the meat, and to Hoseok, in charge of the grilling. I introduced Mi-soo to them and all she could do was hold my hand for protection. I held it tightly to reassure her that I wasn’t about to throw her to the lions. There were a few people I didn’t know stood up and talking amongst each other with the alcohol of their preference in their hands and in one of their faces, I recognized Jimin.

“Jimin-ah!” I cheerfully called him and he widened his eyes, surprised to see me there.

“Taehyung?” He asked with a stupid look on his face that slowly faded into a smile, followed by a warm hug and the bottle of a cold long neck on the back of my neck.

“Shibal, you dog”, I pulled him away as I winced at the sudden pain. “This is Mi-soo, you probably know each other by name. Mi-soo, this is Jimin.”

“Ah, the book advisor that never reads”, he pointed and acknowledged her presence, welcoming her with a smile.

“The mama’s boy”, she replied with a smile and the same sharp humor. I knew these two would get along, I was secretly eager to make that friendship happen.

After that, Mi-soo relaxed and let go of my hand knowing that she was on friendly territory. It took Jimin exactly five minutes to ask Mi-soo if she liked Ghost in the Shell - we were a little bit hyped up, November was just around the corner, so there was hardly anything else we talked about. Mi-soo said yes, but she didn’t like it as much as we did and the conversation carried on with a few smart jokes and healthy provocations as we slowly sipped our beverages.

My eyes sporadically scanned around the room looking for Jungkook, whom I had seen only when I got there.

“Are you looking for someone?” Jimin noticed - maybe it wasn’t as sporadically as I thought.

“No. I want to sit down”, I changed the subject and sat on the couch nearby.

Mi-soo let us know that she was getting more drinks and asked us if we wanted anything, I politely requested more beer and Jimin said he was fine. As soon as she left, he looked at me with the widest smile on his face and jumped behind me. “She’s amazing”, Jimin leaned down and whispered in my ear.

“Did I just play cupid?” I asked myself and Jimin held me from behind, putting the weight of his body on my back.

“Is she our new Ye-ji?”

Completely incredulous of the words that came out of his mouth, I turned my head to the side, dead serious, with my face glued to his. He looked at me too, with his cheeks already burning from the alcohol. I held his arm in an attempt to pull him away, but he wouldn’t let me.

“Alright, I’m just kidding, chill”, he reassured me, his alcoholic breath close enough to graze my skin.

“That was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Why are you here, again?” Jimin skilfully changed the subject, not letting go of me or killing eye contact.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you this close”, I looked at his pointy nose that did not hold a single pore, at his reddish cheeks and at his plump lips. “Jungkook invited me”, I looked away.

“I didn’t know you were friends”, he commented and I just wished he would let go of me when my eyes caught Jungkook in the distance, holding a bottle of peach soju.

It made me think, are we friends?

“We’re not that close”, I came to the conclusion, but feeling a strange satisfaction that he was drinking my soju. “We just ran into each other at the bookshop.”

“That’s odd”, Jimin said and before he could continue, Mi-soo arrived with my beer.

As midnight approached, the room began to fill with people and the music became louder, the place looking more like a party as time went by. I wouldn’t picture a quiet guy like Jungkook knowing this many people, but he was full of surprises.

The music became really loud when Jungkook turned the karaoke up - it was officially a party. He seemed happy from afar, but he was doing a terrible job as a host, he did not talk to me once.

There were cute girls at the party dressing in a way that told me they had a similar lifestyle to Jungkook, so I didn’t even bother to approach them, I wouldn’t know what to say and would most definitely make a fool of myself. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to in the first place, so one more good reason not to. Watching a few guys do it, I felt like it was expected of me too - I always felt this unspoken pressure from the outside to approach girls, because that’s what guys did. And I wasn’t like that, rather more of a _get to know each other first_ kind of guy. 

Jimin came up with an excuse to walk around with Mi-soo and I quickly got the hint and went to the kitchen to get more beer. I was caught by surprise to see Jungkook sat there sipping on his peach soju by himself, while the entire population of Seoul University danced in his living room. This guy...

“Hey”, I spoke to him for the second time that night. His lazy eyes and red cheeks told me that he was drunk. “How many of those did you drink?” I asked as I opened the fridge and got another beer.

“All of them”, he answered with a blank stare into space and took one last gulp to finish the bottle.

“Ah…” I opened the can and sipped. This was the perfect time. “What is your globalization plan? I mean-”

“ _Ya_ ”, he rudely interrupted me. His eyes wandered until they met mine. “You and Jimin-ssi. Are you two people together?”

I suddenly felt nauseous from the six cans of beer I drank that night. Why would he think that me and Jimin were a couple?

“No!” I quickly replied. “He’s like a brother to me.”

“You talk really close for two brothers”, he smirked and sipped on the empty bottle. “ _Aish._ ”

“No, I’m not like _that_ ”, I reassured him with my heart beating fast.

“You’re red again”, Jungkook smiled and got up, preoccupying himself with throwing the bottle away and getting a new one.

**hummingbird**

_“Pabo, pabo, pabo_ ”, is all I could tell myself. Inside the brain of Kim Taehyung, that word was repeating nonstop like a broken record. I sounded and felt like a broken record, incapable of moving forward to the next track. I pushed back thoughts I knew were unpleasant, things I did not want to admit to myself and for the time being, it was convenient to be stuck on that track, while I was afraid of what the next song would be.

I had a similar tune when I was serving in the military, but always afraid to move on to the next track. I pushed back, further and further until the song turned into nothingness. Even the thought of the song was terrifying and I would make myself deaf before ever hearing it.

My every attempt to occupy my mind that weekend was worthless, so I did what anyone would do - I cleaned while listening to music and singing louder than my thoughts. After I did that, I organized my clothes, separating what was good, what was bad and what was good enough for donation. It was most definitely not a lot, but it was something.

The next week, my body attended classes and took notes. It wasn’t so hard after all, pretending to be there. People would never notice a stranger.

“What is going on with you?” Unfortunately, there was one person I could not hide from. “You’ve been weird all week.”

“It’s nothing”, I reassured Jimin, sipping on my soup. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, I’ll let you deal with it alone. Just know that you don’t have to”, it was his turn to reassure me and it almost brought tears to my eyes.

“Thank you. You know that it’s the same here, right?” I smiled at him, but brushed it off quickly before that conversation got anywhere further. “What are we doing Friday night? It’s a special occasion”, I raised my eyebrows suggestively. 

“Is Mi-soo coming?” I couldn’t tell in his voice if he wanted the answer to be yes or no.

“She says she’s coming”, I chewed on my rice. “How was it between you two? You never said anything after you left me.”

“It was great, she’s a great girl”, that’s as far as he commented and I did not want to know any details. “Jungkook wants to come too.”

I stopped eating to look at him. “Why? He was making fun of us for liking it the other day.”

“He was just messing with us”, Jimin waved his hand in the air. “Kookie likes Ghost in the Shell, he wants to come watch it with us.”

“Kookie?” I looked down and focused on eating again. 

_Pabo_. It resonated like a whisper in my ear.

Friday night was supposed to be special for me and Jimin. We were hoping for something like this since 1989 and I’d like to think that nothing and no one could ruin it for us, but I knew that it wouldn’t be as fun because we weren’t going alone. I did not want to be _that_ guy - believe me, Jimin was the jealous one - but I wanted to go alone with him. Or just not with Jungkook.

I went home from the bookstore that evening to my small student flat, where I groomed myself and chose which clothes to wear, this time consciously making an effort to not make an effort. I picked up a good coat that could handle the cold and munched before I left for Jimin's apartment. As I was way too early, I sat there and watched while he got himself ready.

“I can’t believe this is happening”, he looked at himself in the mirror, changing his clothes for the third time.

“Yeah, can’t believe a girl is actually interested in you”, I teased him and his exaggerated reaction only made me laugh harder.

“Shut up, Taehyung-ah! That’s not what I’m talking about”, he whined and blushed.

“You should go like this”, I looked at his bare back, his tiny muscles tensing up with my teasing. 

“Get out”, he aggressively threw his clothes at me and I obeyed, but only because I wanted to go to the bathroom.

Once Jimin had finished getting ready, I gave him my honest feedback on how he looked. “Not bad”, was the verdict.

Both of us went to the Hoegi subway station and met with Mi-soo at the Sinseol-dong station near her house before we met Jungkook, who was probably taking the bus since the subway didn’t go to the Southside of the Han River. I was afraid that things would get awkward, but the two of them were as big extroverts as they were tiny people and led the conversation very well. Mi-soo even confessed that she had read the second episode of Ghost in the Shell for the occasion, for our pleasant surprise. She revealed herself to be a very open-minded person and free of judgments, two great qualities that I don’t see around often - not even in me.

As we approached our destination, my presence in the conversation began to fade and my stomach, to react. I was nervous and I let myself admit this one small thing - _it wasn’t because of the movie_. The reason stood in front of the theatre, pacing around with tickets in his hand. When he spotted us, his face lit up.

“Sunbae”, he smiled, his upper lip disappearing and revealing his pearly bunny teeth. “I was afraid the tickets were going to sell out, so I bought them in advance”, Jungkook explained with a caring voice as he handed them to us.

“Thank you”, I stared at the tiny piece of yellow paper in my hand. “ _Daebak_.”

“I know, right?” Jimin agreed.

We got ourselves some popcorn and got inside the theatre. I sat between Jimin and Jungkook, who I was sharing a large bowl of popcorn with. The movie began with major futuristic vocals and imagery, the soundtrack was nothing like I had imagined, and yet it fit the movie perfectly. I held Jimin’s hand as soon as the first image appeared and he squeezed it, in a silent act of losing our shit and mutual support. The movie was flawless without a doubt. I couldn’t believe once it was over, all I wanted to do was sit on a bar and discuss it with Jimin for hours on end.

We left the room in silence, knowing that the men who entered were not the same as the ones who left.

“ _Ghost in the Shell_ , I get it now”, Mi-soo was the first to talk.

I held Jimin’s hand for the tenth time that night. “That… was _massive_.”

“I say we go to my place and talk it through beer”, Jimin suggested and I couldn’t think of a better thing to do. I shrugged and the others agreed.

“Soju for me”, Jungkook shyly raised his finger.

We hurried to the subway station to catch the last one of the night. The empty subway was suddenly filled with four awkward strangers talking about unnecessary anime boob shots as they laughed the night away, rubbing their youth in the faces of those who weren’t so fortunate. 

At that point, I was happy and alive. It feels weird to recognize you are happy in the midst of it, as though that self-awareness prevents you from enjoying it to the fullest. You know that this is the best it gets and suddenly you feel guilty for feeling this way and you suffer in anticipation for the next moment, when it fades away - because that’s what happiness does. It comes and goes.

Once we arrived at Jimin’s apartment, he swiftly got into his room to hide the many clothes he tried on before leaving. Meanwhile, the three of us prepared the meat and vegetables we were going to roast and served ourselves beer and soju, one cup saved for Jimin. 

“A toast”, he raised his glass when he got back. “To… Ghost in the Shell.”

“Aish”, Mi-soo complained and all of us rolled our eyes. I concealed the fact that I liked the toast and laughed quietly when our glasses met.

Jimin turned the radio on so we’d have a piece of nice, pleasant background music - and then, just like that, we had a party. A small one for sure, but better than most. I finished my cup of beer in no time, and before I could pour myself some more, the _maknae_ did it for me. 

“That line”, I began, my deep voice dragging the words. “About the man being an individual because of his memory and his humanity being defined by it… That just hit me on another level. Because- what are we- what makes us human, what makes us matter to ourselves if not our memories? What makes you matter to other people, if not their memories about you?”

We didn’t talk about the movie for hours on end as I planned, instead, we went back and forth, but always returning to it eventually - and always it being either me or Jimin bringing it up again. Mi-soo and Jungkook were nice enough to humor us, not letting it show if it was annoying to them or not. After a few beers in, Jungkook following the same ritual of serving his sunbaes beer and soju for himself, I was just glad that my mind was finally fixating on something else that week. I was glad that I was able to be myself again.

“If you don’t have any memories of yourself, you’re just a soul in a body”, Jimin answered even though I asked rhetoric questions.

“A Ghost in the Shell”, Mi-soo and Jungkook answered in unsound, making us laugh at the stupid but very punctual joke.

At some point, I annoyed myself. “Enough of this stupid movie.”

Jimin and Mi-soo had a ritual of their own - Jimin would serve Mi-soo beer and she would drink it right after she thanked him. They would exchange touches under the table and flirt subtly at any given opportunity. For some reason, it made me uncomfortable every time I noticed it. Eventually, the two of them left for Jimin’s room, leaving me and Jungkook behind.

His cup was empty and he hadn’t realized it, so I held his bottle of strawberry soju with my right hand and supported my wrist with the left, and poured it with a cheeky smile on my face. He returned the smile.

“I expect you won’t forget it any time soon”, Jungkook commented, referring to his soju preference and our incident in the bathroom. The memory and the fact that he was talking about it made my skin burn.

I laughed it off. “So… These two…” Not knowing where I was going with that sentence, I addressed one of the many elephants in the room.

“Does it bother you that they’re having sex right now?” His eyes pierced through me like two lasers.

I choked on beer. “What's that out of nowhere? Why would it bother me?”

A moment of silence filled the room as we sipped on our drinks. Jungkook complained about the room being hot and rolled up his sleeves. My eyes were immediately brought to his exposed skin, a part of his body that would be common for other people to look at, but only then I noticed that I had never seen it.

“ _You didn’t say no_ ”, Jungkook spoke but I didn’t hear him. “You see, this is why I wear long sleeves.”

I shook my head and looked away. “I’m sorry for staring.”

“It’s fine”, he sipped on his drink, exposing more of his arm.

There were several tattoos peeking from underneath the fabric of his sleeve, sometimes deformed because of the veins popping, but still keeping their delicate, perfectly drawn lines. I could see a skeleton hand and more Latin letters. Jungkook placed a strand of his hair behind his ear and finished his soju with a loud gulp and reddish cheeks.

“You’re still staring”, he warned.

“I’m sorry”, I quickly looked away.

“It’s okay”, he showed off his bunny teeth and chuckled. “You can look at me.”

Jungkook’s words always seemed well thought of, almost as though he meant something else, they could never be described as trivial. I slowly turned my head back to him, but didn’t look. He impatiently moved on the floor to sit by my side and drew his arm forward. My eyes mapped out his skin, where the pale tones ended and the ink began and how it was embossed in him in many different ways and styles.

“I had never seen a tattoo before”, I told him.

With my own skin burning at the sudden proximity, I could hear my heartbeat in my eardrums as my slender fingers touched the permanent lines in him. He was soft as a peach - his cactus-like personality made it seem that it would hurt if I got too close.

“I can tell”, he chuckled again and moved a little closer, surprising me by taking my wrist and holding it tight. “Your heart”, the maknae said before I had the chance to ask him what he was doing.

“What’s with my heart?” I looked away from his tattoos and met his big grape colored eyes staring back at me, one side of his hair pulled back. I wanted to make it even.

“It’s like a hummingbird.”

Once again, I had no idea what his words truly meant. It mostly gave the impression that he was talking to himself, this time sounding like an answer — a long-awaited conclusion. We were sitting there on Jimin’s floor in silence, looking at each other’s eyes and trying to read the other person’s thoughts, waiting for someone to do something. What seemed like a lifetime passed through a couple of seconds.

I looked at the strand of hair falling in front of his eye and finally — eagerly, almost impatiently — gathered the courage to reach out and draw a line on his face with the tip of my finger that started from his temple and went to the back of his ear, dragging the hair strand with it. Realizing what I had done and how weird it may have seemed, my movements slowed down with my fingers touching his ear lobes - that night free from earrings. My eyes met his again, who had no strangeness in them; he wasn’t startled or taken aback. This was the tune I had been avoiding all along.

Jungkook licked his lips, and it called for my stare. He held my wrist tighter and somehow I could feel his heartbeat jamming on my skin through his digitals - they were as of a hummingbird, too. I was terrified at his lips coming closer to me, and yet I drew myself forward to meet them. My skinny chest gasped for air when they touched, not believing this situation was real. I closed my eyes and properly felt his cold, wet lips against mine. Slowly, he began to move and caress me with the sour taste of artificial strawberry that lingered on him, I clung on his jawline with the same intensity I had to push him away from my thoughts. I parted my mouth because I wanted more of his taste, and so my tongue danced with his, our natural taste blending with strawberry and lager.

And so we kissed gently and eagerly, feeling each other’s tongues, breathing each other’s scent. My hands clung to his hair, his hands clung into my shirt pulling me ever so slowly. I sat there bathing in our innocent kiss, with the guilt of a child who had done something wrong. 

Jungkook brought his body closer to mine and allowed his hands to delve into me, discovering me, and what was once innocent and shy, soon became shameless. _Pabo_ was a word that no longer resonated. How could anyone say that this is wrong? This is a beautiful song.

Jungkook bit my lower lip and pulled away. His round eyes looked up at me, our gasping breaths filling the silence.

He was confident. I was terrified at how good it felt.

I pushed back and avoided looking at him, trying to normalize my breathing. My lips were pulsating — I could still feel him biting on me. I drank more beer to ease my thirst. Jungkook’s eyes never stopped looking at me.

“You seem anxious, I figure you’ve never done this. Take your time", he paused to breathe as well. "It's probably a bad time, but-”, he said, his voice failing a little bit. “I need a place to sleep.”

My stomach turned inside out. I was afraid that soon I would be inside out as well.

I looked at him again. “You should stay at my place.”


	2. Crisp Trepidation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part one; House of Cards; 1995.  
> Kim Taehyung is a young college student who is forced to deal with his sexuality when he meets the stranger Jeon Jungkook. His best friend, Park Jimin, is oddly overprotective and finds himself in the eye of the hurricane. For how long can they pretend to play house until it all inevitably falls apart?
> 
> in this chapter: KTH finally hooks up with JJK and has to take some time off to deal with what he's feeling. in that break, he looks at his past with a more mature view, to finally understand the present and, essentially, who he is. | warning: lots of smut |

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayooooo smut alert! make sure to let me know what you think about it 'cause i'm hella insecure about my smut lol hehe
> 
> i love it that there are people liking the story, gives me the boost i need to finish this story haha it's been a few months since I've started it and i just want to share my baby and people to enjoy it!
> 
> going to update every weekend until the first part is completely posted, then I'll come back with part two which takes place in 1989
> 
> || TW: brief mentions of suicide. ||
> 
> see you later byeeee
> 
> steph x

****

**crisp trepidation**

To think that it is a beautiful song: that is what I feared. To hear it and never go back to the old tunes. My ears should never again be the same. In the silent walls of my mind, the next song was silent, calm and it had my voice saying:  _ I want him. I want a man. I want Jungkook. _

It was a relief. I had convinced myself that I would burst into flames if I admitted that, but instead, it feels liberating to finally... Let go.

I held the glass of beer close to my eyes and twirled to watch the bubbles spin. I took a moment to myself and Jungkook respected that, sitting next to me in silence, sipping on his drink, waiting for me to say the next thing. 

_ 우리 떠났어. We left. _

A weird feeling of satisfaction covered me when I wrote that. We left for my flat in the deep cold night of Seoul and I watched as my legs took long rushed strolls, with the wet pavement moving beneath me and my hot breath exhaling white smoke every now and then. I was a spectator of my own life, the TV was on while I sat back and enjoyed the show.

“Do you need anything?” I asked Jungkook once we entered, immediately turning the heater on. “Want more soju?”

“Sure, if you drink with me”, he shrugged as he kicked his shoes off.

We sat on the floor, this time no center table to hold our drinks. I opened the bottle knowing for sure that we wouldn’t make it through - it was too late in the night and if we were to finish it, we’d pass out before we reached the bottom. 

“Where’s the bathroom?” He asked before I could serve him.

“Down the hall.”

Things had always been awkward with us, but then it felt oddly comfortable to be around him. I took a gulp of soju before he left the bathroom and got up when I heard him come back, my poor little heart racing at the thought of what could possibly happen next. Jungkook was holding his coat and his sleeves were rolled up again, the tattoos were calling for my stare. His blue jeans tightly wrapped around his waist with a black belt revealed how skinny his waistline was. That body was strange to me - and that only made me want to know it more.

“Do you think they’re weird?” He asked, referring to his tattoos, seeming to genuinely care about my opinion.

I gave it a thought as I approached him slowly, not trying to hold anything back. I touched his forearm one more time, then let my hand wander to his waist. “No”, my voice failed and we both chuckled, looking at each other’s lips from up close, waiting for the other one to move. 

“Are you okay?” Jungkook’s alcoholic breath brushed my skin as he wet his lips with the tip of his tongue.

My answer to him was immediate, smashing our lips together and clinging at his shirt tightly enough to untuck it from his jeans. He immediately parted his soft lips so our tongues could meet and massage each other in a desirous dance. I was clumsy, I had no idea what to do or where to go, but I could’ve stayed like that forever in Jungkook’s passionate, involving kiss. I let my inexperienced hands wander up his shirt and touch the soft skin underneath the fabric, shyly caressing his waistline, holding his lower back and pulling his body closer to me. His hands, on the contrary, knew exactly where to go - to the nape of my neck, grabbing on my long hair and teasing me with the tip of his fingers going down my neck, to the hem of my shirt. It brought me goosebumps up my spine and an immediate reaction to my pelvis, my jeans suddenly feeling tighter than ever - and so was his. The seductive touch of his combined with our wet kiss brought a low reaction to my throat, one I had never had before, a humming against his lips as to let him know how good he felt.

Jungkook, with his fist on my hair, brought his kiss down to my jawline and neck, his deep breathing close to my ear as he sunk his teeth onto my tanned skin. The once cold empty room was then burning up from the tangible lust; it felt so good to be wanted by him. And so I decided to let him touch me however he wished, let myself be known under his strong embrace.

With tiny, stumbling steps, I guided us to my room. He pressed me against the wall with his own body and I felt his hard jeans against mine whilst I bit and sucked on the maknae’s full lower lip. His hands danced on the side of my body and stopped on the back of my thighs, where he spread my legs apart and effortlessly carried me to bed, slowly laying me down. It was a strange feeling to be carried like that, but it certainly felt good to trust that he wouldn’t let me fall.

I lied on my back and he laid on his side, supporting his head on his hand, watching me. I touched his long hair, he touched the hem of my jeans, staring me with quizzical eyes.

“Is this okay?” His whispered low voice echoed in my ears, filling the dimly lit room with his presence. I simply nodded in response, afraid that my voice would fail again.

Jungkook’s lips slowly placed wet kisses on my jawline and neck while his skilled fingers unbuttoned and removed my pants. I swiftly removed my own shirt and began to remove his, button by button, as he involved my hardness into his grip, touching me tenderly with his tattooed hand. I relaxed my body with the sudden wave of pleasure, leaving his chest half exposed, I reached out to caress the exposed skin and he carried on hovering over me, kissing my clavicle, my hardened nipples - which surprised me at how good it felt - and my belly.

The uncertainty of not knowing what to do was long gone as we felt each other’s bodies, testing out what makes the other shiver with pleasure. To me, it was Jungkook wrapping his wet lips around me and the silhouette of his face, with his eyes closed, appearing to enjoy it just as much as me. I clung on his hair, making a mess of it as my hips thrust into his mouth, hitting the back of his throat with each thrust. All we could hear was the soft sound of our heavy breathing, Jungkook humming against my skin, swallowing me whole and yet looking gracious while doing so. His skillful hand masturbated what he couldn’t swallow of me, while the other grabbed on my thighs and massaged my balls.

“Look at me”, I asked in between short breaths and an intense wave of pleasure came from my core when the maknae’s round eyes met mine through the dim light. The feeling of his hot velvety tongue dancing around me was enough to bring me to climax. “ _ Jungkoogah- _ ”, I tried to warn him, with my eyes rolling up my skull and a long, deep breath leaving my body as I came in his mouth. He did not stop until my muscles relaxed under him, spasms of pleasure holding his body tightly between my legs. 

Jungkook placed tender kisses up the skin under my belly button, on my clavicle, on my neck and on my cheek. With eyes shut and trying to catch my breath, I turned my face to the side so that our lips would meet again. He seemed surprised with my actions, taking a few seconds to respond, he parted his mouth and the bittersweet taste in his tongue was of me. I sat up and brought him with me as our sealed lips filled our ears with pecking sounds. I carefully removed his shirt, leaving it hanging by his elbows, and let my hand explore his body, playing with his nipples and wandering in between his legs.

I felt his stiffened bulge under my palm, pressed against it and felt it move in return. This was not the first time I touched another man’s penis, but this reaction from him quickly made my own penis half-hard again. Jungkook stopped me by holding my wrist. “You don’t have to do this”, he reassured me with his lips against mine.

“ _ I want to _ ”, is all I could say, my eyes opened just enough to see and feel the corner of Jungkook’s mouth smile at my words.

He let his shirt fall off his body and I laid him on his back, this time being my turn to suck and bite on his skin that held a fresh artificial scent to it. My hand slid through his underwear and removed it, I wet my hand with saliva and took hold of him, the hard pulsating skin feeling so different than my own. My tongue circled his dark nipple as I masturbated him, my teeth sunk into his muscular chest, feeling every corner of him as his body shivered under me. The sound of Jungkook moaning and his body responding to my touch made me leak on his belly.

“C’mere”, he barely said through an exhale. I questioned him with my eyes, not understanding what he meant. “Sit on my face.”

That was a whole new side of him I never thought I would see, and I would be lying if I said that hearing Jungkook tell me so confidently to sit on his face didn’t make the tip of my penis pulsate on the spot. I was not, however, ready for this kind of thing and he took my uncertainty with a humorous smile.

“Don’t worry, I won’t do anything you wouldn’t want me to”, he touched my thigh and before I got to say anything, I was hovering over him.

Jungkook took my leaking tip into his mouth again, ferociously sucking and swallowing me as he held my hips, which thrust forward as they had a life of their own. Distracted with the sudden wave of pleasure he brought to my body, I had to try hard to focus on him too - his open legs in front of me, his own pulsating member begging for attention, lying neglected over his pelvis. I began by shyly massaging his balls, soft and small on my palm, then went up his shaft to hold it upward and finally taste him by going around his tip with my softened tongue. I wrapped my lips around him, trying my best to avoid using my teeth, and bobbed my head as I continued to massage his balls. He immediately moaned and I could feel the walls of his throat vibrating against me, which brought me to do the same to him. He thrust his hips forward and I did my best to swallow him, feeling his delicious sour taste in my mouth. The more pleasure I gave Jungkook, the more pleasure I felt. Soon enough, I felt my core stiffen and my thighs close in his ears as I released myself on him for the second time that night. I continued bobbing my head and his moaning became higher, the muscles of his thighs tensed and he followed me right after, his nails clinging on my hips and dragging on my skin. I felt his true taste and this type of intimacy with another man,  _ with Jungkook _ , could’ve easily made me hard again.

We laid side by side, heads spinning from alcohol and from coming so hard. We fell asleep sometime after that, in each other’s arms, without any clothes or sheets between us.

**우리 떠났어**

I woke up the next morning with the sight of Jungkook’s bare belly on my bed and before I could even open my eyes completely, foggy memories of the night before hit my consciousness. Suddenly, the TV was off and I was in control again, except that I had to take responsibility for my actions. What would happen after last night? Who am I now?

Jungkook was still sound asleep when I woke up, with his chest slightly moving up and down. His skin shone under broad daylight and his tattoos seemed clearer than the night before, going all the way up to his shoulder. I carefully held his arm so that he wouldn’t wake up, and noticed the drawings with a clear head and better lightning. They were indeed beautiful.

My eyes caught a glimpse of a shred of skin where his tattoo was deformed, where the night before I had thought were veins popping out. The skin, however, was a vertical scar going about four inches into his forearm. I let go of him and looked at his peaceful face, still sound asleep. I once again felt like a child around him, as though I had done something wrong and got hold of a secret I wasn’t supposed to know. There was still a lot to him that I didn’t know - and I was sure I probably would never.

I left my bed with a lot of things in my head, but primarily a throat aching for a lot of water. I opened my fridge and drank half of the bottle with the door still opened. I still felt like shit.

Would I have done those things if I weren’t drunk? Probably not. But to say that I was completely out of my mind would be a lie. There was no denying to myself that I wanted it, there was no denying that I liked it either. Was I gay? How could I be gay if I was still attracted to women? Did I just  _ turn _ gay last night?

“That’s probably not how it works”, I muttered under my breath and closed the fridge.

But how  _ did _ it work?

Did the same rules apply to women and men? Am I and Jungkook dating now?

“ _ Aishhhhhh _ ”, I almost pulled the hair out of my head. There were so many questions and no one to answer me.

I went to the bathroom and took a morning piss, only then noticing that I was naked too. There were strong nail marks on my hips, so I went to the mirror to check out the extent of it - and I jumped. There was a huge bite-size hickey on my neck and scratches all over my hips and arse. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, I had never been marked like this - and indeed, it felt like Jungkook was definitely trying to mark me and not make himself be forgotten easily.  _ Were we dating now? Do I  _ want  _ to date him? _

I felt as though my head could explode at any minute, with a mixture of shame and uncertainty. Not knowing the answer to those questions was definitely worse than being in denial of my feelings. I had to talk to someone and the first person that came to my mind was Jimin, but I didn’t know if I could talk to him. He might not want to be my friend afterward.

I heard the front door slam. I was relieved that I didn’t have to face him that morning, and it answered a few of my questions. I took a long shower, reminiscing the night before and end up shamelessly having a wank under the hot water. It was so fresh in my mind, I could still feel him. If he weren’t laying next to me naked the next morning, I would’ve convinced myself that it was all a dream. In fact, it would be hard for me to believe that the sight of Jungkook’s lips wrapped around me and eyes locked on mine was true.

At lunchtime, I came to the conclusion that I just needed to see Jimin in order to feel better and talk about something,  _ anything _ . I threw on my work uniform, a padded coat and a good looking scarf to cover the hickey on me. Fortunately, I knew that Mi-soo noona would not be at Jimin’s apartment because she worked full time, so her shift at the bookstore began earlier than mine and I could come over without fearing any interruptions. I entered Jimin’s place and kicked my shoes off, trying my best to act naturally. Just seeing him brought me some sense of normality.

“I’m sorry for last night, Taehyung-ah. You know how it is… What’s up?” He asked me nonchalantly, I noticed he had already cleaned our mess. I removed my coat and almost took my scarf off too, forgetting for a minute that I had something to hide.

“Nothing, can’t I just come over?” I defensively responded and tried to brush it off with a chuckle. I looked around and decided to throw myself on his couch. “So… Ghost in the Shell, huh?”

Jimin remained standing as he was still tidying up his apartment. “You’re being weird”, he half-closed his eyes quizzically.

“I’m fine”, I anxiously moved my legs on the floor and spread my arms apart to relax.

“What’s-?” He tilted his head to the side and stopped himself mid-sentence, then carried on with his cleaning.

“I really liked the visuals, I mean the scenery was amazing”, I continued, trying to start a conversation. “We are a society that has evolved into machines and yet we still live in the gutter-”

“Taehyung-ah”, Jimin had his eyebrows furrowed and a piece of paper in his hand. “Where did you go?” He turned the paper around and revealed my own handwriting.  _ We left _ .

“Oh”, I didn’t recall writing that. “We went to my flat, Jungkook needed a place to crash”, I answered, not thinking too much of it because it wasn’t anything special, just two guys sleeping together in the same apartment. Never in a million years anything sexual would happen. 

Jimin’s lips pouted and he raised his eyebrow in response, as he looked down at the paper. With his tiny hands, he folded it and threw it in the nearest bin, not appearing to have seen the note for the first time.

“Anyways, how they talk about true human angst even though that’s not even our world they’re talking about. You know, there’s this sci-fi short story called _ ‘Super Toys Last All Summer Long’ _ that relates directly-”

“I’m sorry, Taehyung, but I’m quite busy today. I need to write a paper with Jungkook and we have this thing later”, he interrupted me. “You should go.”

I promptly got up. “Oh it’s fine, I have to go to work anyway”,  _ don’t ask it, don’t ask it, don’t ask it _ . “Are you meeting Jungkook later?”

“Yes.”

“What are you doing?”

“It’s a  _ Law student _ thing, you wouldn’t be interested”, he didn’t look at me as he carried on cleaning things that were already clean. 

“Jiminie… Living the life...” I looked around, deciding to ignore his sarcastic tone. “You know, I’m free tonight. I wanted to do something with you-”

“With me?” He looked up. “Or with Jungkook?”

“What?” I chuckled, trying to not show any unwanted reactions.

My stomach felt weird for a second, but there was no possible way of him knowing what happened. The only reason why I kept it cool was because I knew that Jimin was known to be the jealous friend - we had a history of almost ending our friendship because he was jealous of Ye-ji. Multiple times. Thankfully, he grew out of it because he knew he would lose us both if he continued to be like that, but now and then that dark side of him still pops up and I have to remind him how childish that is. It only made me realize that Jimin could never know about what happened between me and Jungkook.

“Aigooo, you left to have sex, what were we supposed to do? It would’ve been awkward for everybody if we stayed here”, I carefully scolded him. “Let’s be rational about this, all right?”

“I’m going through my own shit, Taehyung. I don’t need you telling me that I’m not being rational”, he aggressively cleaned the counter.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, the first time I’m ever hearing about this. 

Jimin didn’t look at me. “Don’t you have work to do? ‘Cause if you don’t, I do.”

“A’ight, sorry”, I responded and walked to the front door, offended at the hyung’s rudeness. I put on my shoes and coat and left without another word being said between us.

Things felt awkward at work, with Mi-soo and I avoided each other at all costs - a job we found to be harder than our own. She did not want to look or talk to me, and I felt the same way, having to work with a stupid scarf when the heater inside the shop was at the highest temperature. Things felt awkward inside of me as well, that small disagreement with Jimin bothering me all afternoon. I worried about what he was going through that caused him to act like that, so I decided to stop by his house to talk to him and offer a little bit of support.

After we diligently sold 3 books the entire afternoon, Mi-soo and I’s shift was over and we closed the shop at the end of that chilly Saturday afternoon. “Thank you for your work. See you Monday, Taehyung-ssi”, she waved me goodbye. “Your hickey is showing, by the way.”

My heart froze and I quickly attempted to fix it as I felt my cheeks burn, to Mi-soo’s amusement. Her laugh echoed on the entire street and her face turned red from all the laughter. “Thank you for your work”, I said with a hint of sarcasm, seeing that she waited for the very last second to tell me, and practically ran out of there. 

I thought of all the clients who had seen me with that stupid scarf on and a shining purple hickey on my neck. Maybe that’s why I barely sold any books, who’d want to buy something from a pervert? 

I stopped by a convenience store and bought two symbolic beers as a sign of surrender and prayed that Jimin was home to receive it. We never spend more than a day mad with each other - nowadays, at least. And so I rang his doorbell determined to keep that record and thankfully, he answered.

“Hey, Jiminie”, I showed him the beer and gave him my best smile. Jimin stepped aside for me to enter with a pout peeking from his plump lips and closed the door behind him. I kicked off my shoes. “I’m sorry about this morning, things were weird. Let’s have a beer and talk, a’ight? We can-”

I stopped myself mid-sentence when I saw someone in the living room. That person had their hair pulled back as they were focused on writing something in between the sea of papers and books thrown on the floor. Jungkook. He looked at me and I was petrified.

“ _ Annyeong _ ”, he said hello to me without a hint of emotion in his voice.

“ _ Annyeong- _ ”, I looked stupid.  _ Pabo _ . I turned to Jimin, who had his arms crossed near the front door. “I’m sorry Jiminie, you said you were writing a paper and I didn’t remember. I don’t want to bother you. Here- you guys can drink the beer- ah- Jungkook doesn’t drink beer-”

“Taehyung, are you okay? Why don’t you sit down, take off that scarf and get comfortable?” Jimin seemed suddenly extra nice, but I could tell he wasn’t being honest as he stood up stiffly as though he knew I wasn’t staying long.

“What? I’m fine”, I laughed. “I really don’t want to bother you.”

“We’re done already, I was just writing our names down”, Jungkook reassured me with a smile on his face, seeming amused at how uncomfortable I was with the situation. “Are you coming with us?” Jungkook talked to me confidently, but I didn’t know by his tone if he wanted me to go or not. It was like last night didn’t happen to him, acting like that seemed too natural. One time, he was shivering with my touch and the next, we barely knew each other.

“He doesn’t want to hang out with a bunch of Law students”, Jimin answered for me, with his arms still crossed.

“I’m feeling a bit tired, I barely slept- I mean-”, I felt my cheeks turn red. “I worked a lot today and you said it’s a Law thing. I’m gonna get some rest…” I left the beers on the counter for him to drink and clumsily slipped my shoes on. “Come by my place tomorrow”, I stared at Jimin straight in the eye and he avoided me. “Let’s talk, okay?”

He ignored me.

“Okay?” I raised both of my eyebrows at him.

“Okay.”

I went to my place and fixed myself a proper meal, taking that time to think things over. First, there was Jungkook, a two-faced man who made me feel like I was everything one night and the next morning, couldn’t even acknowledge me. The fact that I cared about that was even worse, seeing that Jungkook was just a dude and he meant virtually nothing to me. The best thing for me would be to forget that last night ever happened. Second, there’s Jimin, a person who is apparently going through a lot and I was selfish to not notice beforehand because I was too caught up in my own things.

I went to bed that night with a mindset on being a better friend to Jimin, who has always been by my side whenever I needed him, so loving and giving at all times. I would never forget how supportive of a friend he was when my father died, when my entire world was crumbling and all I had was his tiny shoulder to cry on while Ye-ji wiped away the tears. It was, and still is, a crippling pain made more bearable because I have them by my side - even Ye-ji is made present in my life through our letters.

I woke up in the middle of the night with the doorbell impatiently echoing through the tiny space I called home. I checked the time, it was twenty past three in the morning and I cursed whoever was on the other side of the door. I was surprised to find Jimin.

“Jiminie?” I struggled to keep my eyes open as I quickly rushed him inside and away from the cold winter air. “You okay?”

He stumbled, I could feel the smell of alcohol from afar, he seemed pretty out of it and I wondered how he even managed to get here. Jimin didn’t answer me, just kicked his shoes off, threw his padded coat on the floor and walked straight to my room. He was most definitely not okay.

I walked a few steps behind him, rubbing the sleep off my eyes. He stopped by the door and stared at the bed. “Taehyung-ssi”, his voice was deadly serious. “Can I stay here?”

“Of course.”

He finally walked inside the room and took a look around before finally looking at me, and only then I realized that his eyes were red and his eyelashes, wet. He had been crying and he was barely holding it together. “Can you help me undress?”

Jimin’s request was odd, but his voice cracked and his lips turned into a massive pout, so I did it without questioning. I figured he was too drunk to do anything. “Do you want to talk?” I approached him as though he was a wild cat I was trying to catch, but he didn’t run away when I touched the hem of his shirt and took it out of him. He was silently crying and didn’t say a thing in response.

I unbuttoned his jeans and suddenly felt uncomfortable with the situation, recalling events from the night before. I had never thought of Jimin like that, but maybe I shouldn’t be doing this - he wouldn’t want this kind of proximity if he knew the whole truth. It made me wonder: how much would our friendship change if he  _ did _ know the truth? Would he treat me the same way? Would he disappear from my life?

I removed his jeans and when he was freed of his clothes, he walked to my bed and lied down, his cry getting exponentially louder. I followed him and sat by his side. “Come here”, I tapped on my lap and he got the message by holding my leg tightly and laying his head on my thigh.

“Oh Taehyung-ah”, he wept. I ran my fingers through his hair to comfort my friend, his cry was sorrowful and deep enough to touch me, I had to make a solid effort not to cry with him. “It’s so lonely in here”, he jammed his fist against his chest aggressively. “I feel so ugly- I hate myself, I hate myself so much. I feel- I am a monster.”

I couldn’t hold back anymore. To see my dear friend in so much pain made me cry silently so he wouldn’t notice. “I’m sorry I didn’t see that before.”

“How could you? I wear a mask every day, at all times, even with myself. Every shred of happiness is a facade”, Jimin sunk his tiny nails on my skin. “I wish I were more like you, Taehyung-ah. I envy you like that.”

“How come?”

“You’re unapologetically yourself. You’re so confident and you don’t need the approval of others to be content, you just need you.”

“Well, I do have  _ you  _ and that makes it easier”, I chuckled, still running my fingers through his dark locks. “But that’s not how it goes, I have my own masks too.”

“I suppose. You see, envy is such an ugly feeling. I am a monster inside out”, his words were cruel, but his weeping was starting to fade.

“Those feelings aren’t pretty, indeed. But first, you need to acknowledge them to be able to deal with them”, I surprised myself with the wise piece of advice. “It probably won’t be of any help, but I think you’re a pretty handsome guy, you just need to dress a little better.”

I ripped a chuckle out of him and he went silent for a second, breathing deeply and catching his breath from crying too hard. “It felt good to not come here wearing a mask for once.”

**january 25th 1996**

The Kim Taehyung seen through Park Jimin’s eyes did not exist. I, too, wore a mask every day. I was far from being a confident man that didn’t need the approval of others. My life would be easier and I would be happier if I was that man, but I’m not.

It got me thinking about my perception of others and how they’re not the people I see them to be as well - because I, too, see Jungkook as a confident man. And the more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that I was wrong and if he really was unapologetically himself, he wouldn’t be hiding under those long sleeves. I was in fact so insecure that I would put myself under a person like Jungkook just because they appeared to be confident, and I would feel less. He was not the one who made me feel less - it was me.

Things between me and Jimin normalized soon after. The temperature in Seoul dropped significantly and I could see the classrooms being exponentially emptied as the Winter break approached. People wore heat pads in their pockets to survive the cold and broke their heaters trying to warm up. Winter brought me a general feeling of seclusion and grief. It was a time where I had to prepare myself for my father’s death anniversary, so I became more and more secluded as the date approached. It was more than a month away and it’s been several years now, but grief is a funny thing - it never really leaves you. Once you are acquainted with it, it’s with you forever and you never know when it’s going to hit. 

On Winter break, I prepared myself to go back to Daegu and spend important dates with omma. Jimin insisted on taking me out with his friends as a goodbye, but I wasn’t in that headspace. I was in a place where I spent a lot of time with myself, trying to understand and accept my feelings, and to see Jungkook would cloud my thoughts. I had decided to not run away from myself anymore, to take my own advice and  _ acknowledge my feelings and deal with them _ . It was a huge, hard step that would take me more time and effort than I anticipated, but I was determined. Spending some time away from everyone would be good for me.

So me and Jimin drank a few beers at my place and passed out by midnight, the next morning he was supposed to drive me to the bus station. I checked my mailbox to see if there was anything from Ye-ji before I left, and a letter had just arrived. Me and Jimin sat at the bus station and read it together while we waited for my bus to Daegu.

_ ‘Annyeong, Oppa! _

_ How have you been? I hope you are doing well.  _

_ It’s that time of the year again, but I am sure you will deal with it with the same grace and maturity as always. I know it gets ugly, and once it does, just remember that there is a little girl in Osaka who loves you very very much and is there for you. If that isn’t enough, just go a few streets down and hug Jimin. _

_ I miss you lots! How is Jimin? I hope he is feeling better now. I know he isn’t much of a letter guy, but tell him to write to me. I can’t afford to call him every week and I am sick of talking to him through your letters. _

_ Things aren’t easy over here, but there’s one thing keeping me happy these days. I am writing this brief letter to let you know about an important date! On January 25th of the year 1996, the last week of Winter break, I will be landing in South Korea to visit my two best friends. See you then! _

_ Seo Ye-ji.’ _

“Oh my God Taehyung-aaaaaaaaah!” Jimin screamed into my ear and held me tight in ecstasy.

“Aigo!” I held him back with a huge smile on my face.

It felt so good being close to omma. To eat her food again, to listen to her complaining about me being too skinny and my hair being too long. Daegu was a big city, and it had halmoni too, since omoni got back to keep her company. For the two weeks I stayed over, I went back and forth. Every morning I took a long walk in the freezing cold to halmoni’s house and enjoyed the scenery, my own company, and my own thoughts. When I got there, we usually watched TV together and did some sort of activity like puzzles or gardening, which she enjoyed a lot. We had long talks about life while we potted a few succulents in her backyard and I would listen to her advice, except for when she told me to quit Literature and go to Law school instead. After lunch, I went home and spent a few hours alone in omma’s apartment doing some reading for school, and when she returned from work, we had dinner and watched TV while talking about our days or the newest drama. We did that every day, except for my birthday, when she baked me a cake and seaweed soup and we brought it to halmoni’s to eat it with her. It was delicious as always. Jimin remembered and called me in the morning, keeping me company for a few minutes.

“Let’s spend your birthday together next year, okay? I’m tired of omma stealing you from me”, he tried to humor me.

“Well, you can come with me next time and we can hang around Daegu. It’s a huge city, I would definitely be going out more if you were here.”

“I want to celebrate your birthday when you get back, all right? Let’s have a few friends over or go to a karaoke place, it’s your call.”

And we continued talking about nothing in particular for a few minutes before we hung up. 

I thought a lot about my feelings. My feelings on Jimin, Jungkook and appa. I didn’t know if Jimin would still want to be my friend after he knew about me, but he was the one and the only person that I trusted enough to even want to tell something like this and I wanted to share this part of me with him. The way I felt about Jungkook was not of a friend, the way he made my insides turn just by sparing a glance was not of a friend. The way I think about him every time I touch myself, was not of a friend either. Would appa be proud of the man I became? Would appa just be happy that I’m happy? I am on my way to accepting and loving myself, and I’d like to think that although he wouldn’t agree with the things that I’ve done, he would still love me nonetheless.

A part of my journey was thinking about the past and how it affected the present. Knowing Jungkook brought me a better understanding of my feelings and of myself. Having my heart race at the sight of another man was familiar to me, but I was yet to comprehend what it meant back then.

He was my superior when I served in the navy and absolutely every greenhorn in the fleet was terrified of him. Not because he would humiliate us on a daily basis like the other superiors, but because he knew each and every one of our names and our weaknesses, and he knew exactly how to push us to the limit. If a man was slow, he would have to run extra kilometers every day until he could catch up with the rest. If we weren’t giving him our best, he would know, and he would either make us do it or we would do it ourselves, dreading the possibility of disappointing him. The latter was true more often than not, and he cemented his authority by respecting us as human beings and treating our flaws as features we could only improve with hard work. 

I never saw that man smile and I guess that’s what lured me to him in the first place. We were over a hundred men offshore, South of the Yellow Sea, and not one of them earned the respect Min Yoon-gi had earned within just a few weeks of training. Not a single hair on his head was out of place on a daily basis, his posture was flawless as it could be, and his general demeanor was secluded, not exactly the dearest between his equals due to his humanist approach. So we would often find him alone having a cigar on the edge of the highest deck, with his arms resting on the handrails and looking down at everyone’s hard work.

We were amidst my first mission offshore when our first conversation took place. I was in charge of cleaning the 112-meter deck with three more men, both of which deserted the task halfway through and left me alone to finish it. They knew I wouldn’t leave a job undone and they took advantage of it. I spent hours that night doing heavy manual labor, finishing at two in the morning just to wake up at five, later on, to assist in the landing of multiple personnel.

At around midnight, Daewi (lieutenant) Min Yoon-gi appeared on deck to have a smoke, wearing his navy design sleeping attire that looked as elegant as the uniform itself, but more comfortable. His hair wasn’t perfectly combed back, rather messily arranged on his forehead instead, making his face seem smaller than usual. I was incredibly surprised to see him out that late, but most importantly, to see that casual side of him. Daewi Min Yoon-gi seemed unfazed with my presence, but his words told me that he was as surprised as me. 

“Why are you still here?” His smooth voice questioned me as he trapped a white cigarette between his pink lips.

“Daewi”, I bowed in respect to him. The fact that he was there, standing a few steps from me and speaking directly to me made my insides burn.

“Rest”, he commanded with his lips shut around the white cylinder and quickly lit it.

With the smell of salty water impregnated on my nose, I answered his question loud and clear. “I am yet to finish the assigned test, sir.”

Daewi exhaled the white smoke, the unpleasant smell of nicotine made me want to cough, but I held it in as though my life depended on it. “You’re a faithful man, Kim Taehyung”, he pointed at me. My eyebrows raised at the mention of my name, learning for the first time that he knew it. “Don’t let people walk over you for it.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Don’t yell at me, we’re standing right next to each other”, he reprimanded me.

I couldn’t explain to myself why I was so happy with that interaction, even came to the point of bragging about it with my mates. Daewi Min Yoon-gi was truly admired by the entire fleet, so the fact that he took the time to give me a piece of advice made it seem like I had spoken to a celebrity. I didn’t know that my admiration meant anything other than what everyone else felt, too.

Something happened. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t a big deal, because his words said so, and I trusted him like that. They made whatever we were doing feel easier, guiltless. I was working until late again and ended up taking a shower at about two in the morning, in a night so dark we couldn’t even see the moonlight reflecting over the sea through the windows in the shower room. I was surprised to see Daewi there, for it was so late and he’d usually finish his tasks on time, but most importantly, he showered in a different room. My muscles froze at the sight of him entering that lonesome white room, with his shower equipment in his pale hands. I was too naive to understand that he was my superior, he knew that I had a late-night job to do, and that I would probably be there to clean myself afterward. He wanted to be there, but I didn’t know that. We greeted each other formally, but due to his patent being higher than mine, I didn’t have the courage to ask why he was there.

The room had multiple showers and lacked stalls, so the entire fleet had to work together, eat together, and shower together. There was no room for secrets in the navy - or so I thought. I was confused when my superior slowly undressed, taking a long time to remove his uniform properly while neatly placing it on the counter under the mirrors and chose to shower right next to me. I guessed he probably wanted some company. I tried to keep my eyes away at the sight of his bare body, but it was interesting to see a powerful man like him naked, is what I told myself. Nothing more than that. With the corner of my eyes, his skin was white as milk and his pubic hair dark like the sky coating the deck above us.

“Aigo, this shower is so much better than mine”, he commented as the hot water poured down his back, some droplets reflecting the light and making it seem like diamonds. 

My skinny nineteen-year-old body was nothing compared to his muscular one. He looked more like a man than I ever thought I would. I soaped my tanned skin, but I had lost track of which step I was in my shower. Had I washed my back already, did I shampoo my hair? I did it all over again just in case, as his presence was intimidating to the point of confusion. The sound of running water was all that could be heard - a seaman wouldn’t dare speak to his Daewi.

I noticed him looking at me with the corner of his eyes, until he finally turned his head, with his dark locks wet around his face. “Kim Taehyung.”

“Y-Yes, sir?” 

“What do you say if we help each other?” His smooth voice echoed, just a few steps from my ear, and I had no idea what he was talking about.

My lips parted in confusion. “I’m sorry, sir?”

“How can I explain this?” Daewi Min inhaled quickly as he gave it a thought, then looked back at me once he found the words he was looking for. “We’re staying here for a long time, so it is nice to have someone to help you…  _ Relieve _ . It doesn’t mean anything.”

My entire body lit up once I realized what he was proposing, in a mixture of confusion, curiosity, but most importantly, an eagerness to have someone else touch me other than myself. “Why me?”

“You have a pretty face”, he justified with a nod. I was somehow flattered, but not because he was a man, but because another human thought I was attractive and that’s always nice - is what I told myself.

I hesitated a thousand times, I had to say no. The fact that anything like this could happen was out of the scope of my imagination. I had to say no. I looked at Min Yoon-gi’s face, his wet pale skin shining with the hot water coating it, his small eyes looking back at me, awaiting an answer. He must’ve known that I wasn’t capable of verbalizing anything, for he took a hesitant step towards me, and my heart skipped a beat once his body invaded my showering space. The fact that I didn’t step away was enough of an answer.

Daewi Min Yoon-gi looked down at my body as though to analyze it, there wasn’t desire within his gaze, but there wasn’t any repulsion either. “It’s alright- like I said. It doesn’t mean anything”, he reassured me with a calm, whispered voice, a side of him that I had never seen him before. “You can close your eyes if you want.”

I looked down at him, my superior being slightly smaller than me, and hesitantly closed my eyes. I didn’t know what he would do, but I did it anyway. My body shivered when I felt his warm hands around my penis, massaging it carefully. I furrowed my eyebrows at the mix of sensations he was giving me, not really wanting to give myself in, to let my body feel pleasure with another man’s touch. But it was a touch nonetheless, and the whole point was doing it for the sake of pleasure and nothing else. 

I got half hard when Daewi began to simultaneously massage my balls with his free hand, and so I clouded my mind with thoughts of women’s bodies. I wanted to give myself the impression that it was a woman who was doing it, and I got full hard off of it as he caressed the tip of my penis with his wet thumb. I could feel myself grow bigger under his touch, his dedicating touch skillfully designed to give me the best that I deserved. My eyelids, once strongly shut, were then feeling lighter as I peeked through my lashes and watched my superior bite onto his lower lip, eyes focused on my throbbing erection. 

I held everything in, every moan, every deep breath, anything that would tell him that I was feeling anything good out of it. I truly wanted to sink my fingernails into his pale skin, but I wouldn’t dare, so I held my hands on my lower back as my wrinkled toes involuntarily curled up under us. The sight of his own erection forming just by touching me made my muscles tense up. He quickly flicked his wrist, focusing on the tip of my penis, and I strongly bit my lip to keep myself from verbalizing the pleasure I was feeling. Without any intention from both of us, our eyes locked, and for a brief instant, I saw lust within my Daewi’s coffee-colored irises. It was at that moment, one that I would bury deep in the darkest places of my mind, that I came on his hand. Neither of us looked away. As he said, it didn’t mean anything.

“Let me know when you’re ready to repay”, he said as he prepared himself to leave by cleaning his hand under the running water and closing his shower. In the next moment, I was alone with my thoughts.

I know now, it meant  _ something _ . It could have meant close to nothing for him, but no matter how deep I buried it, I was pleased because it was my superior touching me. I was able to admit to myself that what made me cum was the thought of him choosing me out of the 120 men in the fleet.

**boys like boys**

A few days later, I had to come back to Seoul for my part-time job. I had talked with my boss and made a deal with her that when I got back, I was to work full time to cover for the days that I was absent. Omma did not let me leave Daegu without a proper haircut, and I did not want to leave on bad terms, so I just let her book me a hairdresser. I left the place with just an inch off my hair and a fresh perm.

I arrived just in time for dinner on Sunday night. Jimin picked me up at the bus station again and we planned to call for a jjajangmyeon delivery to my place. He noticed a change in me right away, commenting on my renewed perm and my good mood.

“You’re shining Taehyung-ah, what happened in Daegu? Did you get a girlfriend?” He teased me and I laughed it off, glad that my recent changes looked good.

I took a shower while Jimin called the nearest jjajangmyeon place. We were both famished and wanted to eat as soon as possible. Once the food arrived and I finished drying my hair, we sat on the floor to have our meal.

“To a great Winter break”, he raised his juice box dramatically and expected me to make a toast with him, to which I abided. “Enjoy your meal.”

“I can see that you already have a lot of expectations about Ye-ji’s visit”, I commented as I stirred my bean noodles. “Try not to get your hopes up, it’s been five years since we’ve seen her.”

“I don’t care, I’m just excited. I know- people change, we’ve probably changed too”, he took a mouthful of noodles and chewed on them for a while.

We talked about what we did when we were apart, he had a lot more to say than the person who spent most of their time hanging out with their grandma, but I gladly listened to his stories. And at some point, I couldn’t hold it back.

“How is Jungkook?” I asked, taking the last bite out of my noodles. “That was delicious.”

“He’s fine”, Jimin shrugged. “He asked about you a couple of times.”

My eyes sparkled like an anime schoolgirl. “Really?”

“Really”, he chuckled. 

“Ah-”, I smiled without any shame. I looked down a few times before I could look at Jimin. “Jimin hyung, I have something to tell you.”

His face brightened up at the hyung treatment. I knew everything would change from then, he maybe would not want anything to do with me, so I took a good look at his friendly face while I could.

“What is it?” He patiently waited until I gathered the courage to say it.

“Jungkoogah…” I looked down again. “Jungkook-ssi-”

I hoped that he would interrupt me or say anything to fill in the silence, but he didn’t. Jimin sat there waiting for me to say something and if I never did, then he wouldn’t ask about it.

“I like him”, my frowned face admitted under its breath.

Jimin didn’t show any signs of emotion, he kept looking at me as though I hadn’t said anything - but everything was silent, we could hear every breath in the room. And he took a deep one.

“ _ Okay _ ”, it appeared to be a question more than an answer. “Good?”

I was sure he didn’t know what I meant. “I mean, I like him; the way boys like girls.”

“Do you like boys?” I carefully watched his reactions, but he appeared serene. 

“I don’t know”, I answered sincerely. “I just know I like him, that’s all I’ve got so far”, I shrugged and chuckled. “Putting it like this, seems as though it’s not a lot, but it took me a long time and a lot of self-reflection to even be able to say it out loud to someone else. I’m saying this to you because I love you- not in the same way, but because you’re like a brother to me. I didn’t want to hide that huge part of who I am from you. I have been doing that to myself for years and only now I can be truly happy with myself- and I owe all of that to you.”

I had convinced myself that Jimin would turn into a monster and punch me in the face, but he seemed to be very understanding. “To me?” He listened carefully.

“What you said about me in my room the other day. It got me thinking that I’m not that confident person you see me as, but I want to be. I don’t want any foolish masks between us.”

Jimin’s chin trembled and he looked away to hide the tears, but I knew him too well and he could not hide from me.

“I hope you see me the same way after knowing about this. I’m still the same person you’ve always known. Nothing changes.”

He wiped his face, looking down. I looked away as well to hide my own tears, hoping that his wasn't of disappointment. I hoped he wasn’t crying because of a brother he lost. 

We sat in my tiny living room in silence for a few minutes, our empty jjajangmyeon plates between us, crying in our own space and taking everything in. 

**when you walk in the room**

Jimin thanked me for being honest with him and with a sad smile amidst all the tears, he reassured me that nothing changed between us - I was not getting rid of him that easily. I laughed and my head felt lighter since then. I knew that it would take him some time to fully grasp the person that I am, but I was patient enough and he seemed willing to make the effort.

I woke up early the next day to go to my temporary full-time job, cursing at the wind for the low temperatures of Seoul. Once I arrived at the shop, Mi-soo greeted me with a warm, welcoming smile.

“Annyeong Taehyung-ah! I missed your face”, she tenderly cupped my cheeks through her hot gloves.

“Annyeong, noona. How is everything?”

“Could not sell a single book without you here”, Mi-soo teased but I could’ve believed her, she was pretty bad at selling books. “You’re looking good even with that stinky uniform. What is happening? Did you get a girlfriend?”

“Why is everybody trying to get me a girlfriend?” I mumbled in between a chuckle and Mi-soo joined me.

All of those compliments I was receiving definitely made me feel good, it felt nice to be reassured and I was indeed feeling more confident at each one of them. I imagined myself collecting compliments and putting them in an imaginary basket so that I could feed from them whenever I needed. Having a bad hair day? Hating yourself? Feeling less than others? It’s okay, because this random person validated me that one time.

At the beginning of January, a lot more people came to the shop, it seemed that the new year brought one resolution in common: read more books. I used that to my advantage and recommended more books than I usually would and people gladly took the advice. 

Me and Mi-soo worked hard that week and there was barely any time for us to catch up during work hours. On Friday night, when I was walking her to the bus stop and we were chatting away, she suddenly became serious.

“Have you heard from Jimin?”

“Well, not for a few days”, I pouted, not thinking too much of it. I was too busy to go out with him and he hadn’t made any contact.

“It’s just that he’s not returning any of my calls”, Mi-soo noona gave me an insincere smile, justifying herself.

“I’ll tell him to call you”, I reassured her, making mental plans of passing by his apartment on my way home.

Indeed, he hadn’t called me once that week either. I wondered if it was because of what I told him Sunday night, and maybe he said that everything would be the same between us just so that he wouldn’t hurt my feelings. He was actually planning on letting me go easily, brushing me off little by little until I got the message and disappeared from his life. I couldn’t decide which one was worse: this or him turning into a monster and punching me in the face.

I rang his doorbell with a weird feeling in my stomach - what if he pretends he’s not home? The pit of self-hatred began creeping in sooner than I thought, and surprisingly, thinking about people validating me did not help at all.

“Taehyung-ah!” He sang in a funny tune, greeting me with a smile at the other side of the door, and that alone removed a huge weight from my shoulders. Jimin stepped aside to let me in, to which I did with no hesitation.

“Hey, Jimin-ah!” I kicked my shoes off and entered the familiar home as though it was my own. “Why don’t you answer your girlfriend, Jimin-ah?” I sang in the same tune.

“What are you talking about, Taehyung-ah?” He continued to sing.

“A’ight that’s enough”, I said in my normal voice as I opened the fridge to get some water. “Mi-soo-ssi is worried about you.”

“Ah, yes. I don’t think I’m interested anymore”, Jimin raised his eyebrow and sat across from me on the counter. He had a beanie and glasses on that made him look unusually intellectual, but also youthful and fun.

“Then let her know,  _ pabo _ ”, I took a few gulps from the glass. “Are you going out? You look good-”

I worried then that Jimin might take this the wrong way. Was I to walk on eggshells with this sort of thing now?

“In a hyung kind of way”, I made it clear.

“All right, I’m like a brother to you, I understand”, he seemed annoyed and kind of offended that I felt the need to clarify something like this. “I’m not going out, do you want to go eat something?”

Jimin threw a coat on and off we went to the nearest place we could get yangnyeom chicken - a common agreement that this is what we needed to eat that night. We opened a bottle of soju and had a good meal together. I was glad that he was being his usual self around me.

“Happy birthday to me”, I made a toast, inferring that this was my birthday celebration.

“No! Are you stupid? This is no way to celebrate a birthday”, he impatiently drank the soju without making a toast. “Let’s go out with your friends, do something! Tomorrow!”

“Fine”, I drank the soju as well, surrendering to his party plans. “But you’re my only friend, so we’re basically doing this again”, I pointed at the yangnyeom chicken between us.

“That’s not true, there’s Mi-soo, there’s Hoseok, there’s Seokjin”, he counted, mostly his friends, with his small chubby fingers. A moment of silence followed. “There’s Jungkook. Should we invite Jungkook?” He lowered his voice with a mouthful of chicken like he was telling a secret. 

“ _ Aish _ ”, I complained abruptly. There was no need for him to walk on eggshells with me either. “Of course!”

“All right, no need to yell”, he stopped talking and I could tell by the look on his face that he had many questions he wanted to ask me.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to answer them, so I let the Jungkook subject die off.  _ One step at a time, Jimin. _

I left everything for Jimin to decide and to organize, since the event was mainly for him than for me per se, but under the condition that it had to be somewhere near and cheap. He made the arrangements and called everyone over, my only job was to invite Mi-soo. I had no time to do it on Saturday while we were working, so I had to do it in a rush when I walked her to the bus stop.

“Please, cancel your plans tonight”, I practically begged. “You’re literally my only friend, noona. Everyone else coming are Jimin’s friends.”

“I don’t know if I want to see Jimin”, she rolled her eyes and pointed her tiny nose away from me.

“It’s my birthday, come on! Bring your friends too!”, I gave her the biggest pout my lips could possibly make. “I’m already going to look pathetic if you come, but I’m going to look even more pathetic if no one else comes.”

“I’m flattered”, she emphasized a sarcastic tone in her voice, took a deep breath and surrendered.

I thanked her with a huge smile and a bear hug, to which she did not reply. We parted our ways shortly after when her bus came and she hurriedly stepped on it. I went home from work thinking about that poor invitation that Mi-soo got. I thought that she was just a girl that I worked with, but we actually became good friends along the way - and that was no way to treat a friend. My head was set on apologizing to her and letting her know that I wanted her there because she was my friend, not because I didn’t want to look pathetic.

I took a long shower to prepare myself for the night ahead of me. At that point, I hadn’t seen Jungkook for a little over a month and my head was spinning at the thought of seeing him again - did he miss me as I missed him? Was he even going to show up? It was my choice to not see him while I cleared my head and sorted things out, but he didn’t particularly _ look _ for me either. I was preparing myself for the worst so that I didn’t get hurt and turned inside out for something that barely existed. Although it was very much real to me and it meant something, there was a good chance that he didn’t see it that way; I’m fine with that. I demanded nothing from him when we made love that night - and that’s how I'd rather see it, as making love. If he saw it purely as sex, that’s on him.

I tried as best as I could as a young man to keep my feet on the ground, and I  _ really  _ did not want to end up swearing to myself to not get involved with long muscular legged maknaes. Little did I know at the time, however, that he would be the one swearing to not get involved with sunbaes like me.

I left for Jimin’s place with my hair hidden under a hat because I felt like those extra minutes in front of the mirror trying to get it to look nice were good for nothing. He picked a nice karaoke place for us to celebrate my twenty-sixth birthday within a fifteen minutes walking distance from our place and 300 wons for the bottle of Chum Churum.  _ Daebak _ .

“What’s up with the grandpa hat?” Jimin teased me as soon as he laid eyes on me, I grunted in response and we began to walk towards the bar. “Looks kind of good.”

“Thanks”, I pouted. “Who is coming today?”

“Jungkook is coming.”

“ _ Aish! _ ” I complained, but Jimin was completely right, he was the one I was asking about. My pout turned into a smile that I attempted to hide from him, with no success.

“I can’t believe you’re in love with a guy”, he shook his head in disbelief and a smile on his lips. “H-how does it feel?”

“I’ve been in love only a couple of times, and I can admit that it feels different for each person. It’s not about gender”, I answered after a quick reflection, impressing myself and Jimin with the remark.

We were the first ones to arrive and we started off with one bottle of soju for the two of us, enjoying our moment alone and singing away unashamed in our own private room. Jimin had a beautiful angelic voice and I kept telling him that if he polished it with a few singing lessons, he could even do that for a living.

“To my singing career”, he raised the small glass and we toasted for just about anything we could.

I genuinely had fun with Jimin. The sort of connection we had was different from everything I had ever experienced - being able to spend time with another human being and  _ loving _ it. You’d think that after five years this would get old, but it never did. Although we’ve had our ups and downs which definitely scarred our relationship, we had a better understanding of one another that wouldn’t be made possible if we haven’t gone through hardships. It still feels like we’re in our teens talking about Ghost in the Shell in the schoolyard for the first time, making different sorts of connections. I cannot express how happy I was to have that even after I came out to him.

“I love you so much, Jimin”, I told him with no hesitation and a shy tear creeping up. “Thank you for loving me back unconditionally. A toast to us.”

“ _ Aish _ Taehyungie, that’s gay.”

“Omo!”

“I’m kidding, you idiot. I love you too”, he toasted with me.

Having someone that loves me not in spite of who I am, but because of that, brought me a sense of belonging that I had only felt with Jimin. I have experienced outgrowing people that I was close with, but with Jimin, we’re always growing side by side, through our own weird processes. 

I was shaken out of my deep thoughts and recomposed myself once people showed up. Mi-soo was the first to arrive with two other female friends that were just as beautiful as she, the tallest one had long waved hair and a slim face, her name was Kim Seol-hee. The other one had mid-length hair with bangs, big expressive eyes and a rounder face, Choi Ae-ra. Mi-soo greeted me with a warm hug although we had seen each other just a few hours prior and introduced me to her friends, thankfully we were able to get acquainted before Jimin’s friends arrived and I was happy about that. They said their hellos to Jimin but weren’t as friendly with him - I figured Mi-soo told them about him ignoring her calls. I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the attention of three beautiful girls.

Seokjin and Hoseok arrived and we made another toast, getting more alcohol into my system. I kept glancing at the door and looking at the clock as Seokjin and Hoseok mingled with the girls and Jimin complained about being ignored by Mi-soo in my ear. I laughed at him and took another shot of soju.

I sang the songs and cheered people who were brave enough to sing on the karaoke, me not being one of them. My legs were shaking from anxiety and I was on the verge of breaking through the door with my stare when it finally opened, and Jungkook had finally arrived.

Everybody in the room cheered with the newest arrival and Jungkook shyly bowed to his hyungs. Every eye turned to him with interest, as though they didn’t want to forget the sight of him, a man that turns heads everywhere he goes. I got up from the sofa to say hello and he offered me a toothless smile and a handshake, to which I happily took with the table between us.

“Happy birthday, sunbae”, he said quietly enough so that only I would hear it.

“Thank you.”

I sat back on the sofa with a weakened racing heart, in between Mi-soo and her friends, and tried to participate in the conversation they were having in between soju shots. Now that Jungkook was here, I felt that I could finally sit back and relax, enjoy my evening even though he was sitting too far and it would be hard for us to make conversation. I relaxed my arm on the couch behind Mi-soo and drank my beer, the friendly girl named Ae-ra subtly getting closer to me so that we could talk over the karaoke songs.

“Mi-soo talks a lot about you”, she started. “But she never mentioned how good looking you are.”

“What was I supposed to say?” Mi-soo rolled her eyes.

“Ah, thank you”, I felt my cheeks burn and sipped on my drink to hide it. I had no idea how to navigate that situation, with Jungkook’s googly eyes staring across the table as though his gaze could pierce through my chest, so I kept quiet.

Ae-ra leaned in closer to whisper in my ear, resting her delicate hand on my shoulder to do so. I hesitantly gave her my ear to speak. “Is your singing friend single?”

I looked at her and we both chuckled together, inebriated with the happiness alcohol provided. She was referring to Kim Seokjin in the karaoke. I confirmed and she took a long gulp of her beer as though she was preparing herself to flirt.

“How about the other one?” Seol-hee chimed in, speaking quietly enough so that only us could hear. “The one wearing all black”, she specified.

A weird feeling took over my gut - a weird, ugly feeling that made me instantly feel like shit. I looked over at Jungkook, who was drinking soju and being talkative with Hoseok and Jimin, completely unaware of the situation. “I don’t know”, I answered without the humorous chuckle I was spearing before, hoping she wouldn’t try anything. I would probably have no chance competing with such a beautiful girl.

Mi-soo’s friends got up to sing with Seokjin and Hoseok, leaving just the two of us, a huge gap in the half-moon shaped sofa, Jimin and Jungkook - who were talking heatedly about something I wasn’t exactly keen to know, thinking it was probably something related to Law school. I was feeling tipsy and leaning over noona for security, to which she didn’t exactly complain. 

I turned my face to talk into her ear. “Thank you for coming, noona. I’m sorry about that shitty invitation, I really wanted you to come because I enjoy your company. You’re a really good friend.”

“Aw, Taehyung-ah”, she hugged me. “No need to apologize. I hope you’re feeling less pathetic with my friends here”, she whispered into my ear and I laughed in her embrace.

“Talk to Jimin, will ‘ya? You’re killing him”, I took advantage of the moment to help a soldier out.

Noona let go of me with a frown. “Aish, you’re no good.”

I laughed again at her reaction, looked at my friends singing away, having fun and flirting with each other - and felt genuinely happy. I looked across the table and Jimin and Jungkook were looking at us, the hyung not exactly trying to hide the stupid look on his face at the sudden display of affection between me and noona. I laughed again and just wanted both of them close to me, so I called them to come over. Jimin took the opportunity and got up to sit next to Mi-soo, Jungkook scooped over and sat next to me. The four of us were together again, and so I smiled at the genuine happiness I felt being with them.

“You three are probably my favorite people in the world”, I looked at all of them and watched as they relaxed after I broke the ice. “After omma”, I completed and got a laugh out of them, including Jungkook, who quietly and sweetly laughed by my side.

“Do you rank the people in your life?” Jungkook had a shy smile creeping in his mouth and sipped his drink to hide it, his question seemed rhetorical and more than anything, it felt like he was talking to himself. This kid continues to be weird.

“What about Ye-ji?” Jimin questioned and I asked myself if he was still a little obsessed with her after all this time - the answer was yes. I rolled my eyes and chose not to answer the stupid question.

“Who is Ye-ji?” Jungkook asked, not particularly directing it to me.

“High School friend”, I answered before Jimin had the chance. “We haven’t seen her for five years and Jimin is still obsessed with her.”

Noona did not hide her discomfort.

“I’m joking”, I chuckled with no humor. “We used to be really close, but now she lives in Japan.”

“She’s coming to South Korea to visit us in a few weeks, though”, Jimin did not hide his excitement and it was honestly cute. “You guys would love her, let’s hang out when she gets here.”

“Sure.”

“Can’t wait”, noona followed. Neither of them seemed the slightest bit excited.

The group song was over just in time to chime in the awkward conversation and our friends took new seats, mingling well amongst each other. As the night got darker and people got drunker, couples were formed. Even Jimin managed to get a conversation out of noona and better her mood - I had no idea how. Jungkook did not spare me a glance or even a conversation for that matter, so I pulled on his long sleeve to call his attention.

“Thanks for coming”, I said. “This is a nice birthday celebration.”

“It’s all right”, and he didn’t leave me any queues. He seemed more interested when he was sober and on the other side of the table staring at me.

Jungkook’s long silver earrings dangled as he looked away and I looked at him as long as I could, trying to read his actions, trying to get something out of him. I got nothing, it was like he didn’t even want to be there. That sort of treatment made me furious.

He politely excused himself to go to the bathroom and before I could even think about it, I was following him after he left the room. I was stopped by someone holding my wrist. It was Jimin.

“You okay?” His worried eyes looked up at me, although seeming entertained with noona’s conversation, he was paying attention.

“Yeah”, I reassured him and left.

**the feeling of you**

I stumbled to the bathroom and waited outside of the door for him to leave. Once he did, he walked straight past me without acknowledging my presence. I stopped him with no hesitation by holding his arm.

“ _ Ya _ ”, I emphasized the lack of honorifics in my speech. “What’s up with you?”

Jungkook looked back at me, but showed no intention of answering my question. With my drunken words defying him, I stared into his eyes with a scowl on my face.

“I asked,  _ what is up with you? _ ” I confidently repeated my question. “If you don’t want to be here, why are you here?”

He clenched his jawline and looked away. His exposed neck looked like he had a recent hair trim and I could smell his cologne in this proximity, but I didn’t let it shake me. I tightened my grip around his forearm, telling him that I wasn’t letting him go until he answered me.

“Why did you invite me if you don’t want me here?”

“What-?”

“Next time you want to flirt around with girls, don’t invite me.”

He let go of my hold and began to walk away, everything about his body language telling me that he was pissed and ready to get out of that place. 

“ _ Ya! _ ” I called him back more aggressively than before, my low voice echoed through that narrow hallway. “Don’t be stupid, Jeon Jungkook.”

Hearing my words, he stopped before he could turn the corner.

“Look around you. Does it look like I’m flirting with anyone else but you?” My eyes pierced through his grape colored ones, my heart beating fast and my legs would definitely fail me if I took another step, so I rooted them to the floor. He was taken aback by my bold, loud words in the short hallway that led to the bathroom. There was no one there, of course.

He turned his back once again and disappeared in the corner, opening the door to the private karaoke room we were sharing.

“ _ Ugh! _ ” I removed my hat and combed through my hair. “This fucking kid, seriously.”

I went into the bathroom, threw water at my face and waited until I calmed down to return, that strange adrenaline leaving my body a few minutes later. It felt good to catch him off guard and leave him speechless. It felt good to be the target of his jealousy.

A sense of relief took over me when I opened the door to the private room and found that Jungkook was still there, sitting alone and sipping on his drink amongst the newly formed - and newly reconciled - couples. I closed the door behind me and Jungkook’s googly eyes avoided looking at me, probably too embarrassed to do so. I sat by his side without looking away from him.

“I should start charging, right?” I took my drink and started to make conversation to let him know that I wasn’t mad, I was in fact still very much interested.

“What?” Jungkook’s lips pouted and my eyes gazed at his pointy cupid’s bow so close to me. I bit my lower lip and looked away, batting away with my eyelashes the memories I had of those lips.

“My matchmaking skills, I mean. I should start charging”, I smiled and discreetly pointed with my chin at the three couples before us, getting a humorous laugh out of him. I appreciated the sound while I could, as he wasn’t the type of person who had an easy laugh.

“I’m sorry”, he said quietly and I could barely hear him, but thankfully, I did.

I was already done with that place when the waitress barged in with a cute birthday cake with 2 candles lit. Everyone in the room sang me happy birthday while I awkwardly clapped my hands and blew the candles, wishing the same thing I have been wishing for five years.  _ ‘To be happy’ _ .

I thanked everybody for the pleasant surprise, it had really warmed my poor drunken heart. I felt cherished that night by important people in my life and although the night was fun, I was ready to head home. I was keen to get home, actually. So I used every single extra won I had and paid the bill, seeing that I was the birthday guy and I had invited them to the party. Although it was a cheap place, the tab was expensive nonetheless. I insisted on paying even though some of them said that it was fine and we could split - but I was not about to get my dignity stolen in front of all these people over a couple of extra wons halmoni gave me for my birthday.

Everybody exchanged numbers in front of the karaoke and the guys made sure that the girls got safely into a cab.

“Do you want to go to my place?” Jimin asked noona quietly, to which she nodded in response.

I looked at Jungkook, who was standing a bit far from everybody else. “Hey, maknae”, I called his attention discreetly. “Do you need a place to crash?” I made my best effort to sound as nonchalantly as possible in case people could hear us, and made sure to look at him and say what I couldn’t with my hazelnut gaze.

“Ah, I don’t want to bother”, he scratched the back of his neck. “It’s not so late, I can still take a cab.”

I bit my lip in a short pause to hide my disappointment. “It’s no bother, I’ve got room.”

“Are you sure?” He raised his eyebrows at me.

“Of course, in fact”, I smiled. “I’ve got room for everybody if you need a place to crash”, I blatantly lied looking at Hoseok and Seokjin knowing that they wouldn’t take my offer. They politely declined and Jungkook’s chest breathed out, it was a subtle movement of which I could see right through. 

The two drunken men entered a cab together and off they went, and so did the four of us, walking in the late-night moonlit sky of Seoul. Mi-soo wrapped her arm around Jimin’s looking for balance and they walked in front of us with slow strolls. I hit my fists into the pockets of my padded jacket to hide my desire to do the same with the person next to me. We walked in silence, not a single soul but us four outside. I let my mind wander to magical places, a place where I could hold Jungkook’s arm. Soaked in that fantasy, I was abruptly taken out of it by the hoarse voice by my side.

“Your hair looks good”, he said.

I combed through it and rearranged my bangs, free of my hat. “Thank you.” 

We dropped Jimin and Mi-soo at his apartment and he invited us in, but I politely declined saying that I was too tired for a second round. I said my goodbyes and headed to my flat with Jungkook following me only a few steps behind.

Once we were in the safety of my home, I turned on the heater and kicked off my shoes as usual. Jungkook did the same, not removing his coat since the air was still cold. The silence was, once again, comfortable.

“Do you want anything?” I had a déjà vu.

He shook his head and his earrings dangled, not looking to get more alcohol into his system. Jungkook looked around and observed every single book I had neatly organized on the shelf, the piece of furniture barely holding my collection anymore. The tip of his finger went through the spine of the ones he was interested in, as though taking mental notes of borrowing them later.

“I read the book you recommended”, he commented without looking at me.

“What do you think?” I crossed my arms over my chest, observing his every movement from afar with great interest.

“You should’ve warned me”, Jungkook said under his breath, barely audible.

My face became serious like his. Hesitant, I swallowed saliva. “How could I have known?”

Half-said words were enough for Jungkook.

_ Norwegian Wood _ . A book about a young guy navigating through life - and trying to deal with the loss of many people he loved to suicide.

“I’m sorry”, I looked down at my feet and rested my back on the wall, focusing my attention on something else like he did.

“As you said”, he finally looked at me, but I couldn’t reciprocate. “How could you have known?”

A long moment of silence followed and I kept staring at my feet, even though his eyes were on me. He practically begged me with his gaze, but gave up and looked away covering his mouth with the sleeves of his shirt. There was a lot to him that I didn’t know - and I wasn’t going to rip it out of him. I will happily listen if one day he feels comfortable enough to share with me, but that day was not today.

“How was your trip?” Jungkook asked as he looked around again, noticing the small details of my humble student flat. The lighter tone of his voice told me that he was smiling.

“It was great, it was nice to spend time with omma and halmoni”, I said as I poured myself a glass of water and made myself comfortable by removing my coat. “I’ve had a lot of time to think.”

“About what?” He didn’t look at me, still taking in the environment.

“Myself. Appa. Jimin.  _ You _ .”

His head turned straight to me. “Is that why you invited me here?”

“No.”

Jungkook took me by surprise when he looked at me and took small, quiet strolls towards me. “Are you tired?” His voice was calm and confident.

“No.”

He walked until he couldn’t take another step. It was like he expected to corner me against the wall like a wild animal, but I remained in the same relaxed position as before, not letting my actions show that he got to me. “Why did you invite me here?”

With his lazy drunken eyes locked on mine, a strange satisfaction of finally being in a room alone with him filled my poor racing heart. I didn’t hesitate, I didn’t look away. “I think you know why.”

I let a malicious smile creep in the corners of my mouth, to which Jungkook responded by trapping his lower lip between his teeth and slowly letting it go. I watched the lack of blood turn his skin white and then hot pink again. My hands crept up to his waist but did not pull him closer. I just wanted to touch him through the thick fabric and squeeze him tight as he breathed deeply, reacting to my touch. He tenderly caressed my cheeks with the back of his fingers, brushing his tattoos against my face, and then it was my turn to breathe and take in the fresh scent of his cologne. Jungkook was silently taking me in as well, touching every sharp corner of my face with his patient fingertips - and it was right at that moment, when we stood there enjoying each other’s presence, that I felt maybe- just maybe, he liked me back.

“Are you ready to delve in?” I heard his calling with his fingers making the slightest bit of pressure against my cheekbones.

I couldn’t keep up with his stare as he said those words to me. He noticed my uncertainty and touched my chin to make me look at him.

“Those pretty eyelashes, those speckles”, he ran his thumb through one of my cheeks. “You don’t look real to me.”

My skin heated under the palm of his hand. His words were, undoubtedly, sincere and they were the ones that seemed to matter the most. I finally pulled his body closer to me until his chest was against mine and I couldn’t help but feel the luckiest person in the world to have him in my living room, looking at me like  _ that _ . “Guide me”, my husky voice asked of him. My breathing was uneven and my legs were about to give in at any second, but I was more than willing to try anything with him, for he had brought me nothing but security and trust.

He pulled my chin towards him and ever so slowly, our lips met halfway. We pressed our wetness against one another, massaging each other until Jungkook parted his lips and gave me permission to deepen our contact. His soft tongue touched mine and in a synchronized waltz, they paired up to sway at a calm rate. With steadier feet, I let my hands wander up and disclose his soft tummy, to which I paid close attention with the tip of my fingers.

“You’re so soft”, I whispered against his lips with a smile on the corner of my own, letting my thoughts be revealed unashamedly.

Jungkook’s kisses trailed to my earlobe as his body pressed me against the wall, his teeth trapped my skin only to slowly release it afterward. My throat reacted as though it had a life on its own, the shivers up my spine and my jeans getting tighter spoke for themselves. I could feel him half-hard against me too, and it brought me a great deal of satisfaction to have that reaction when I hadn’t even started yet.

His kisses became wetter against my skin and my hands grew impatient for more, so I took the hem of his long-sleeved shirt and removed it altogether. As soon as it was off, his mouth was back to mine like a magnet, this time hungrier than before. As Jungkook pinned me to the wall wearing only a pair of blue jeans, my hands splattered on his broad, muscular back and trailed down his spine until his buttocks were on my grip - and they felt even better than they looked. I pulled him slightly up and I felt him smile through our kiss, standing on his tippy toes. The blood on my veins rushed faster.

He took a step back for a moment and intertwined our fingers, being familiar with my flat, he was the one who led me to the bedroom. Jungkook’s fingers combed through my hair and made a trail to the nape of my neck, my shoulders, and arms to the hem of my shirt. After that detailed caress, he finally removed it. His mouth went straight to the exposed skin, nibbling and sucking on my nipples, bathing himself with my honey skin as my fingers intertwined with his dark locks. With his touch, my erection fought against my zipper, begging to be freed.

“You smell so good”, Jungkook sounded drunk with my scent before his palm cupped my buttocks and I thrust my hips forward at the sudden touch, my throat reacted. “Do you want me to touch you?”

I looked down at him with a wicked smile creeping on my lips, hoping that it would be enough, because I was leaking and hurting on my balls, unable to be coherent with my words. He then kneeled and finally pressed on my bulge, it responded immediately by moving beneath him. Jungkook repaid the smile after my reaction as he fluttered his eyelashes at me and voraciously removed my jeans, taking me with his hand first. With his fingers wrapped around me, I kicked away my pants and braced myself for what was about to come.

I had my eyes glued to his every movement, with his tongue going around the tip of my penis, he parted his lips to take me in his hot mouth. The room was suddenly spinning as my head fell back and my hips forward, he was patient, but I wasn’t. I felt comfortable enough to hold his head and thrust into his mouth at my own rate, he seemed to enjoy the fact that I couldn’t wait another minute to have him. He pulled back for a moment and sucked on the tip of my penis, a sensible spot that could’ve made my legs give in if I was a little bit weaker. The only sound you could hear in that room was of me losing control to that soft, velvety tongue.

“Relax, baby”, Jungkook held the back of my knee and placed my foot on top of the nightstand. He gracefully wet his index and middle finger with saliva and in between bobbing his head on my penis and taking control of his movements, his skillful hands spread my cheeks apart as his fingers caressed my entrance. That one massaging movement alone brought shivers up my spine and elevated my pleasure to the point where I had to make a strong effort not to come in his mouth unwarned again. I tried to tell him I was liking it, but I couldn’t make sense of myself, so I had his hair soft, sweaty hair in between my fingers and his name on my mouth.

His finger played on my entrance and only the very tip entered, pulsating in and out, making my legs shake. I wouldn’t be able to last longer, so I stood on my own two feet and pushed Jungkook’s head away. He was a beautiful mess: cheeks flushed, breathless, tangled hair and my own pre-cum dripping down his chin. I kissed him passionately and tasted myself through him.

We lied on the floor and I eagerly removed his jeans and underwear. He was finally there under me after what felt like an eternity, so I wanted to make it count. Carefully wetting the palm of my hand, I slowly masturbated him and listened to his body and how he reacted to me by spreading his legs open, so I placed myself between them and let my mouth wander down his shaft at his silent request. The more I heard him moan for me, the more I was turned on and the more I could swallow him, with his hips thrusting into my mouth and fists into my hair, even the taste of him was enough to make me leak. I stopped for a second to suck on my fingers and make them wet, so I could pleasure him as he did to me. 

Following his lead, I continued bobbing my head as my two fingers massaged Jungkook’s entrance, his hips rolled at my not so skillful touch and he opened his legs wider for me. His husky voice moaned my name and encouraged me to keep going, so I spit on my fingers one more time and entered him ever so slowly.

“Taehyung-ah, that feels amazing”, his voice dragged out the words and he rolled his eyes shut as I continued to pleasure him. At some point, Jungkook pulled me up and kissed me again, with his big grape-colored eyes pleading with me, eyebrows furrowed as though he couldn't take it anymore. “Fuck me”, his lips whispered against mine.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” My stomach dropped and I wasn’t sure if I had heard it right. I wasn’t quite sure if I believed it.

“Yes”, he breathed out, supplicating.

I kissed the soft skin on his neck and he began to masturbate me, I could’ve emptied myself right then and there. What I did, however, was reach out to the nightstand to grab a condom with an untrustworthy expiration date and put it on. “Tae-”

“Yes?”

“Can you kiss me down there?” Jungkook asked with a hint of shyness to his tone, to which I responded by kissing him briefly on the lips and trailing down his body, spending a few moments savoring his nipples. 

I licked the tip of his penis with a hardened tongue and followed his every vein until I reached his balls, I sucked and pulled on them and tasted him all over again. Jungkook delicately touched himself with his eyes closed and my tongue kept wandering down until I spread his cheeks and met his entrance. I softened my tongue and went around his button, making it wet and silky, massaging it with care. I rolled around it a few times, went up and down his perineum and delighted myself between his thighs. Before going on top of him, I spat on the palm of my hand to make my penis wet as well. “Go slowly”, he advised me and I obeyed, slowly pressing on Jungkook’s entrance with my tip, feeling him brush against me. I bit my lower lip and made sure to be patient, crawling on top of him and holding my weight with my arms. I cautiously made slight pressure until his button swallowed me and suddenly, with a gasp from his throat, I was inside of him - I was inside Jungkook.

With my hips thrusting ever so slowly and savoring the feeling of having him wrapped around me, he started masturbating. I stopped his hand to do it myself instead, being the only source of pleasure for him, his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he begged me to go deeper and faster, so I did what I was told after spitting on my hand another time to make it comfortable for him. The sight of him squirming in pleasure under me and the feeling of his hole quickly opening and closing at each thrust made the tip of my toes tingle and my core harden. We were both a sweaty, delicious mess delighting ourselves with the sensation of each other’s bodies.

“Jungkook, I’m close”, is what I managed to say in between cries of pleasure and Jungkook kissed me as he opened his legs wider for me to thrust. Once I hit my climax, I was a quivering mess inside of him, but I continued to masturbate him not for long. Soon enough, his moaning got a little higher and liquids were in my hand as his hole flashed around my half erection. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, watching his every expression as he came hard because of me, hopefully printing that to my memory forever.

I removed myself from inside of him and lied by his side for a few moments to catch my breath before going to the bathroom to clean my hand, wishing he wouldn’t leave while I was in there. I threw the condom away and washed myself as fast as I could and got back into my room, and I was relieved to find him lying peacefully on my bed after a strong orgasm. I lied next to him again and rested my newly washed hand on his tummy, he squirmed at the sensation of my cold skin and chuckled.

“How does it feel?” I asked him out of curiosity. “Was it good?”

He looked at me trying to fight back a smile. “Yeah, it was”, he gave up and smiled.

I felt satisfied that he enjoyed it and more comfortable to lay my head on his tattooed arm and hold him, prepared to fall asleep at any second. “I don’t get a lot of this, you know”, he commented.

“What do you mean?” I asked without looking at him as my eyes were already closed.

“It’s not usually this affectionate”, he said in a hush. The air was still in that cold winter night, and I had no idea if he meant his words as a good or bad thing. Truth is, this is how I am and I wanted to show him, to trust him my bare face. I held his waist tighter and with the subtle movements of his chest breathing peacefully, I was lulled to sleep.


	3. Unhindered Touches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part one; House of Cards; 1995.  
> Kim Taehyung is a young college student who is forced to deal with his sexuality when he meets the stranger Jeon Jungkook. His best friend, Park Jimin, is oddly overprotective and finds himself in the eye of the hurricane. For how long can they pretend to play house until it all falls apart?
> 
> in this chapter: amidst mourning his father, taehyung and jungkook open up to each other and their relationship becomes deeper. things get exponentially more complicated with jimin, and disappointment is inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: smut, brief mentions of suicide
> 
> please don't forget to comment if you like it! I'm really excited to be sharing more of my work here, I want to know what you think about it. constructive criticism is of course, welcome!
> 
> see you next time bye bye

**unhindered touches**

The first thing I felt the next morning was Jungkook’s smell, it got mixed up in my weird dreams when I was slowly returning to my consciousness. His cologne made an impression before I could even open my eyes, and when they did, I realized my face was nestling on the nape of his neck and his thick long locks scratching my nose. I breathed out, changed my position and itched it, immediately feeling an insatiable thirst in my dry throat as soon as I figured out where I was and who I was - I perceived Jungkook before even doing it to myself. Jungkook’s naked body was there, by my side, again. This time he was lying on my arm with his back turned to me, peacefully sleeping, and I prayed he wouldn’t run away again. Memories of the night before crept in and I felt a genuine sense of happiness to have him by my side. 

I came to the conclusion that this is what love felt like and I wanted as much of it as I could get. I didn’t know if I wanted to engage in something, but right then and there, I was certain.

“Are you awake?” Jungkook surprised me by being awake and ripping me out of my daydreams.

“Yes”, the first word of the morning sounded rough. I rubbed the sleep off my eyes with my free hand and as Jungkook turned to me, I looked at his morning face, with big swollen cheeks and eyes. I couldn’t help but smile. “Cute.”

He hid his face in his hands and complained about the way he looked, but I reassured him by wrapping both of my arms around his neck. Jungkook nestled his face in the curve of my neck, his smell once again invading my nostrils - this man spent extra wons to smell good and it showed. I remembered when he told me that his partners weren’t this affectionate with him and by the way he held me back that morning, I had no doubts that this is something that he had been longing for.

“Jungkoogah, let’s date, shall we?”

“What?” He suddenly forgot about being embarrassed and looked straight at me in shock. “Like boyfriend and- and boyfriend?”

“Yes”, I bit the skin off my lip as a quiet act of anxiety.

Jungkook lied on his back and stared at the ceiling for a few moments, with his big googly eyes expressing that he was thinking hard. “Yes”, he said quietly and looked back at me, with a shy smile fighting its way out. The smile had only a hint of happiness in it though, overshadowed by uncertainty and fear. “No one can know, though.”

“Of course”, I tried not to smile as well, but the fireworks going in my head were stronger than me. Jungkook seemed happy with my reaction and let go the sweetest smile I had ever seen, to which he tried to hide under his hand. I held it so that I could really see this bright side of him. I kissed his lips tenderly with my mouth closed, placing loving pecks over his plump, pointy cupid’s bow and he retributed. 

I had found my oasis and its place was in between four walls alone with Jungkook, where he showed me his true colors. When it was the two of us, we had nothing to hide and no touch would go by hindered.

“Well, actually…”

“What?” His expression was worried and it grew bigger the longer I didn’t speak. “What is it?”

“Jimin kind of knows”, I started and he exhaled deeply, but didn’t seem relieved - he actually seemed more uneased than before. “He knows that I like you, I never said anything happened. But he’s not stupid-”

“Don’t tell him”, he asked of me, although it seemed more like a warning. As much as I would like to tell Jimin, I understood that this didn’t concern only me. We were _us_ now.

“Okay.”

Jungkook left earlier that Sunday morning because he had a family lunch to attend, but not without having a shower and drying his hair beforehand. I got to watch him dry his hair wearing only a pair of jeans, he paraded around his tattoos as though he was born with them. I was happy that I didn’t have to pretend I wasn’t enjoying watching him and he didn’t seem to mind either.

“Enjoying the view?” He teased me with his words and body while checking himself in the mirror.

I didn’t bother to answer, just walked away to the kitchen to get him something to eat. Once he left, clean and dry, I perfectly understood the sad smile he had on his face earlier in the morning. It’s not like this relationship could succeed in any type of way, and although I was happy to have him all to myself, I was also sad that there was no way that this could end well. However, I was willing to give him my time and make good memories for as long as we could. I spent a few moments drinking on a freshly made cup of coffee, taking in my apartment with whatever was left of his presence. The wet floor on my bathroom, the bubbly soap he left behind, the comb out of place, my sheets with his smell. I could almost feel him next to me.

I just wanted to go down the street and tell Jimin, heck, tell the whole world how much I loved him and how lucky I was to have Jeon Jungkook as my boyfriend. _My boyfriend._

I questioned the entire afternoon if I was gay now that I had a boyfriend. But then again, I didn’t _feel_ gay.

That Monday I woke up early again to keep my promise to work full time, and I was actually feeling good to go to work - like the polluted skies of Seoul, the unbearable cold and excessive overworking hours could not get to me. My mood was great, which affected directly on how good my sales were, although Jungkook was never out of my head for more than 5 minutes. Mi-soo, however, avoided me the entire day and did not go out to have lunch with me, which she didn’t have to do every day, but I worked full time only for a limited period and we wouldn’t have a lot of opportunities to hang out like this anymore. Another point I made to myself, I hated eating alone at restaurants, it felt pathetically lonely and quiet without someone to share a table. I’d grow out of that eventually.

After she closed the shop in the beginning of the evening, I walked with her in silence to her bus stop.

“If you need to talk to anyone, you know that you can talk to me, right?” I tried to reassure her, addressing the elephant in the room and basically letting her know that her feeling bad didn’t go by unnoticed.

“Thank you Taehyung, but you’re the one person I can’t talk to”, she replied not with rudeness or anger in her voice, and I simply didn’t understand what it was about.

“Excuse me? Why?” I tilted my head to the side like a confused dog and she smiled, with a hint of sadness to it.

“Cute”, she mimicked me by tilting her own head. She didn’t seem mad at me, and I didn’t recall doing anything bad to her since our last encounter, so I didn’t understand why she couldn’t talk to me. “It’s just that… That friend of yours, Jimin. He’s weird.”

“I thought everything worked out between you two, what happened?” I was genuinely concerned, I really liked that couple. Jimin and Mi-soo were perfect for each other.

“It’s not my place to tell”, I read her expression as disgust, and that triggered my curiosity.

I kept quiet, trying to not insist about this with her but making a mental note to call Jimin as soon as I got home. As it seemed, they were having a troublesome night while I was in heaven. I didn’t know what my boundaries were when it came to Jimin and relationships, he was never the kind of man that opened up about things, and I’d usually have to rip it out of him or he would blow up like he did in my house the other day.

Jimin picked up my call with an unreadable voice tone, so I couldn’t know if he was feeling good or bad. I tried to casually ask him if he and Mi-soo were still dating, and he seemed nervous while asking me if she said anything to me, to which I was honest and told him what she said.

“Do you want me to come over and talk about it?” I sincerely responded.

“No need to talk about it, Taehyung. I just want to forget the night ever happened”, his emotions sounded clearer to me through his voice, and I could tell that he was disappointed - but I didn’t know if it was in himself or in Mi-soo. I tried to piece the puzzle together in my mind, the whole mystery they were making was provoking my curiosity to the point where I forgot to offer support for a few seconds.

“Well… You know you can talk to me if you need, right?” I tried to reassure him by saying basically the same thing I said to Mi-soo.

“Not to you, Taehyung-ah”, I almost groaned in frustration.

“Does this have anything to do with me?” My impatience showed in my voice, so I took a deep breath and spoke calmly. “I mean… Mi-soo said the same thing.”

“It’s not that. I just can’t talk to you or anyone about it, my pride has been hurt. This type of thing… It kills a man’s spirit.”

“Your pride is hurt?” The puzzles in my head began to move. He and Mi-soo went to his place to have sex, it wasn’t Mi-soo’s place to tell me what went on and Jimin’s pride was hurt. “ _It kills a man’s…_ ” At the realization of what happened to hurt Jimin’s pride, I inhaled deeply and dramatically covered my mouth with my hands. “Jimin-ah! You couldn’t get it up!”

I thanked God that we weren’t having this conversation in person, because I had to cover the phone so that I could laugh freely.

“ _Ya!_ I can hear you, son of a bitch!” Jimin seemed genuinely mad, so I tried to recompose myself as this wasn’t an easy situation to navigate as a man, as a woman, and as a male friend of both of those involved. “How did you even…”

“I tell you, Jimin, there’s nothing you can hide from me. I see right through you even if it’s just your voice!” I stalled so that I could think of reassuring things to say, but I couldn’t think of any and soon an awkward silence took over the call.

“Yeah. Of course.”

“Do you want me to come over and help you deal with that?”

Another moment of silence followed. “What are you saying, Taehyung? You said you didn’t see me like that”, Jimin’s voice seemed frightened more than anything.

I coughed. “Not like that, you idiot. I have a-”

Silence.

“I have a… pot of ice cream that I can bring over.”

Jimin declined not so politely and I hung up with a relieved sigh. I was frustrated at how I reacted to the situation and prayed to anyone who’d be listening that I didn’t make him feel worse about the situation.

“I have a boyfriend”, I said out loud, just to myself, just so that I could get it out of my system. _“Jungkook is my boyfriend.”_

I giggled like a high school girl reminiscing the moments from only a night ago. I had dinner and took a shower to prepare myself to read something in bed, and when I lied down, Jungkook’s cologne lingered in my pillowcase - faintly, barely there, but still there. I wondered if he has had a boyfriend before, or if he was just as lost as me. I really did not know what to do or what to expect, if I should call him after a hard day of work, or if I should wait for him to do so. With a cruel irony from destiny, I finally understood how girls felt when they didn’t get a call back.

I opted to not call him and wait for his initiative, but that Monday night I heard nothing from him.

**winter bear**

The snow would always hold a memory close to my heart, of a night my life changed forever. The night when my father died, snow fell from the sky as though he was saying goodbye to me. It looked beautiful and it killed me that it was such a beautiful night, the cold taking away so many things. Yet, looking at the immensity of the snow and how infinite it was, the soul-breaking pain that I was feeling seemed unimportant. It didn’t matter what I was feeling and that somehow comforted me. How beautiful life could be, but appa would never get to see it again. 

I am taken to that same night every time snow falls. No matter when, where, with whom - if it falls, I’m 19 again. I am reminded of that pain and I can remember everything that happened in great detail; how I kneeled to the floor, begging for it to not be true, how I held omma with no breath in my lungs from crying too hard and Jimin’s little eyes, confused with the sight of so much sorrow, not knowing what to do to. This would be the first time he had ever encountered grief, and he was so deeply scared that a human being was capable of feeling so much.

It snowed all day that Tuesday, but it didn’t catch me by surprise. It always snowed the week of my father’s death anniversary, to make things _easier_ for me. People say that it gets better, but I don’t agree with it. Grief never leaves you, once you experience it, it’s with you forever no matter what. It comes and goes and the more time goes by, the longer it takes to return; like a phantom, it awaits patiently until something triggers it, but one thing is certain, it comes back.

Mi-soo noticed me feeling a little blue and looking outside the whole day, but she didn’t say anything until we were waiting at the bus stop. 

“My dongsaeng, is everything okay?” She asked me with a pout. “Did something happen?”

It had been of course a great mood change from Monday to Tuesday, so it was only natural for her to worry. “No, noona”, I answered. There was truth to it - nothing really had happened.

“You have that look on your face all day, scaring away the clients. Don’t lie to me”, she scolded and it reminded me that only a day ago I was the one trying to comfort her. Mi-soo’s approach was definitely different.

“I’m not lying”, I showed her a sad, toothless smile to show her I meant it. “It’s a difficult time of the year for me.”

“I see”, she thought about what to say next. “You can talk to me, you know that, right?”

I thanked her and we left it at that. Truth is, nobody wants to hear about you grieving your father. It makes them uncomfortable and it’s never a soothing experience to talk about it to anyone. They sweat trying to think of a good reassuring thing to say and when they realize there isn’t anything that would make me feel better, the conversation dies. People who haven't touched grief at a personal level don’t know that sometimes listening is more than enough.

Eventually, I learned that I had to carry on with my day even when those feelings reappear. It used to be suffocating knowing and seeing first hand that life goes on regardless if people lived or died - now it’s reassuring. I prepared dinner for myself and stared at the snow for a few minutes, cried reminiscing the good and the bad of having appa around, ignored a few calls which I knew for sure were from Jimin and went to sleep.

The bad seemed so bad at that time, but I wish I would have it all back.

It didn’t snow on Wednesday, so the day was a little better. I talked to noona a lot during our work hours, both of us had given up avoiding each other and things had pretty much normalized, so we went out to have a good lunch and talked about random things without ever mentioning Jimin. I wondered how she felt.

When she closed the shop, she took a few steps the opposite way of her bus stop. I instinctively and curiously followed her until she stood by a bicycle.

“What? Did you bike all this way?”

“Yeah”, she was busy trying to get the safety off, but it wasn’t happening. I knelt to try and work it out for her and in a few seconds, her bike was free. “Let’s have dinner together, I’ll pay.”

“Will you take me on your bike?” I joked.

“Hop on”, she sat on the stool and seriously waited for me to join her.

“I’d rather go on my own two feet”, I politely declined and walked away with my hands in my pockets.

“You’re no fun, Kim Taehyung”, she frowned and began taking slow strolls on her bike to catch up with my footsteps.

“Why are you doing this in the freezing cold anyways?” I asked her when the cold wind blew on my face and she went around me with the bike. “Don’t”, I warned before anyone got hurt.

“I need to lose weight, so this is a fun way to do so”, she went around me again.

“Where’s that coming from?” I questioned, knowing exactly where that came from. “You don’t need to lose weight, noona.”

“I don’t _need_ to, but I want to”, the wind blew her hair away. I wished for a second that she could see how beautiful she was.

“Why do you want to lose weight?”

“What’s with those questions?” She seemed annoyed and I knew then for sure she wouldn’t answer me. Maybe it was indelicate of me to ask them.

“I’m sorry”, I stopped walking, pondering for a second thought about her offer. She stopped as well, questioning me with her eyes as to why I wasn’t walking. “Where do I climb in?”

The smile she showed me was so bright and full of life that I came to the conclusion, right then and there, that she did not deserve Jimin. She was too good for him. “Stand on those pedals in the back wheel and balance yourself”, she instructed me. I awkwardly did as I was told and sought balance by holding Mi-soo’s shoulders. “Are you okay?”

“Umm”, I replied.

Noona started off by slowly strolling; as soon as we began moving, my fingers clawed on her shoulder and I felt a good feeling in the pit of my stomach as we began to move faster. She did not hesitate for a second, showing intimacy with riding like this, so I felt safe even though I was almost twice her weight. The cold wind blew on my face and I smiled, feeling genuinely happy with that experience. As Mi-soo rode faster and I became accustomed with the sensation, I stopped holding her shoulders and ever so slowly attempted to open my arms, going back to her shoulders when I felt too scared to open it wider. At some point, I managed to open it all the way, feeling my stomach drop at the sudden exhilarating freeness. I laughed out loud and noona joined me, looking back at me for a few quick moments to see my face.

“Oh my God, this is amazing!” I shouted out.

Few moments later, noona slowly stopped the bike and my hands sought balance on her again. “We’re here!” She let me know and I looked around, spotted a tteok-bokki restaurant and the Han river from afar.

I got out of the bike and feeling the hard ground under the soles of my feet again was horrible, like reality smashing you in the face. This was happiness in a nutshell: you experience it greatly for a few moments, but eventually you had to go back to the ground. Either way, it was a nice ending compared to the night prior, and once again I felt lucky to have such good people in my life.

Mi-soo noona complained about me holding her shoulders too tight and we had a nice dinner together. We even opened a bottle of soju to have good, pleasant talks over a delicious tteok-bokki.

“You seem better today”, she commented as she gulped down a shot without a flinch. 

I always had a soft spot for noonas and my weakness for older girls came from the fact that they seemed less fragile and could easily beat me up if I disrespected them. Mi-soo had that vibe to her, not necessarily a feminine girl like the ones who really make an effort to seem like a damsel in distress. Someone, somehow decided that this is the type of girls that men like and women do their best to live up to it - no. It massages a man’s ego to know that he can take care of a woman, so women who are soft-spoken and delicate are seen as attractive. Noona was charming with her own confidence and assurance of who she was, not bowing down to any man.

“I feel better thanks to you, noona”, I gulped down my soju, but this dongsaeng wasn’t as good with strong liquor and couldn’t help but frown. “It’s just that… It’s appa’s death anniversary and I usually feel reclusive when that time comes.”

“I see”, she took a scallion to her mouth. “I lost omma many years ago and I still feel like shit every year. You gotta feel what you gotta feel.”

I looked at her and chuckled at her choice of words, simple and yet holding a lot of knowledge. It was good to look at her and recognize myself, to now know we shared the same kind of pain.

“Is that why you’re so independent?” I asked, knowing well she worked full time at the shop to provide.

“I guess so. We’re kind of forced to grow up when we lose a parent so soon”, she explained and I agreed. It was nice to talk to someone who knows how I feel for a change.

We ended the night with Mi-soo noona telling me she would give me a ride to the bus stop and I insisted on riding the bike myself that time - considering her poor shoulders and the few soju shots we took together, it’d be safer that way. I was clumsy at first, but quickly got the hang of it and managed to ride it fast and steady. Noona did the same thing as me, opening her arms wide and howling at the wind.

When we arrived at the bus stop, I thanked her for the good dinner and the ride.

“And noona”, I touched her shoulder. “You’re gorgeous just the way you are. Don’t be silly and ride the bus.”

She blinked for a few seconds to take in my sudden compliments that sounded more like a scold. “You’re not so bad yourself, Taehyung-ah”, she showed me a smile and pinched my arm.

This night reminded me of why I didn’t feel completely gay - I knew for sure that I was attracted to girls as well. I wasn’t going to do anything about it, now that I was someone’s secret boyfriend, but that one quick moment when I looked at noona as a woman was a good reminder of who I _also_ was.

I arrived home safely and with a mental note to scold Jimin for being an idiot to Mi-soo even though I had no idea what happened. 

As I was preparing myself for bed, my phone rang; I thought it was Jimin, but the voice on the other end surprised me.

“Hi, Taehyung-ah. It’s Jungkook. Are you okay?” He seemed worried about something.

My stomach dropped and it felt like I was riding the bike again, except it was his pretty voice doing it to me. “Hey, Jungkoogah! I’m fine, why?” I was sure that he could hear me smile through the phone.

“I called you yesterday and tonight.”

“Ah, sorry. I wasn’t feeling good yesterday and today I had dinner with noona”, I explained, trying to not sound too happy that he called. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing, just calling my boyfriend”, he whispered on the line and I swear to God I could’ve flown through the roof. I giggled instead. “Listen, my parents are going to Jeju for the weekend. Do you want to come over on Friday?”

“Yeah, sure”, I answered without giving it a second thought.

“You know where it is”, he said confidently.

**bob, the cat**

The days slowly went by, the cold and pollution were not forgiving on me. Customers were not coming around as often, so me and Mi-soo had a lot of free time to reorganize the books and clean the shelves, our hard work would be appreciated by the owner of the shop that rarely came around, but noticed if a single book was out of its original place. It was a pleasant type of work, we chatted and listened to music the whole time, each one of us taking turns on the cassette tapes we brought from home. On Tuesday after work, I said goodbye to Mi-soo on her bike and left to buy myself a magazine. I sought a very specific magazine for personal research, since I was too embarrassed to ask Jungkook. I spent more than an hour reading the covers in the shop and going through the pages until I found what I was looking for. No one bothered that I looked around and hung for so long, since there were primarily men minding their own business in that eighteen plus shop.

When Friday night came and Mi-soo closed the shop, I was eager to go home, take a shower and head to Gangnam-gu as fast as I could. I took a long, meticulous shower and shaved every inch there was to shave. I spent a few extra minutes trying to make myself smell good, putting on a cheap cologne I had and fixing my hair with mousse. I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was trying so hard, but I couldn’t help it — my body and soul wanted to look its best for him.

Walking to his familiar front gate, I had a memory of the last time I was there, warily approaching the residence with Mi-soo beside me. I barely saw Jungkook at his own party, except for when he asked if I was dating Jimin. Come to think of it, the signs were there from the start.

I smiled when I remembered his drunken eyes that night, so strange to me and so curious. All I did was freak out for days and never stopped to ask myself why he seemed upset, or why he was even asking that in the first place. His question unintentionally forced me to confront myself and my sexuality, even though I did everything in my power to avoid it. 

I hit the buzzer with that familiar feeling in my stomach. “Who is it?” He asked through the line.

“Van Gogh”, I answered and with a chuckle, he let me in.

The house seemed bigger than I remembered; empty without the dozens of people to give it life. The elegant grey toned decoration stood out more than before against the marble. I could faintly hear an upbeat type of music coming from the living room and as I was removing my shoes, Jungkook appeared to welcome me in his house. He greeted me with his white bunny teeth that brought creases to his eyes, carrying a skinny ginger cat in his arms like a baby human — and it seemed okay, enjoying rather than tolerating the position.

“Sunbae”, he came closer to me, sporting baggy black pants and, for the very first time, a t-shirt.

“Hello. Call me hyung”, I gave him a generous smile and stepped inside with my bare feet. “And hello to you”, I spoke softly to the cat and caressed its tiny little furry neck. “What’s your name?”

“Bob”, he answered.

“What?” I tried to hide a laugh, because it is always rude to laugh at someone else’s name, even if that someone is a cat. However, I failed miserably. “Pobeu?”

“ _Bob, bob_!” Jungkook impatiently accentuated the English pronunciation and I laughed again.

“Okay, hi Pob”, he rolled his eyes, I finished petting Bob and moved on to the owner’s neck instead. “Hi, Jungkook.”

“Hey, you”, he let the cat go and the second his arms were free, I held him by the waist and trapped him into my arms. I was finally able to see, touch and smell him after a long hard week. My eyes missed the sight of him, my body called for him every morning, the smell of his cologne on my pillow wasn’t enough. My entire body missed him.

I recharged my energy in those few seconds. “Missed you.”

“Mmm”, he agreed and although he seemed a little uncomfortable with the sudden display of affection, I could tell he liked it through the bright colours of his cheeks.

Jungkook guided me through the house and the music got louder and clearer. The furniture in the living room was arranged differently, last time there was more space for people to dance and now it seemed more homely. I sat on the floor next to the radio and looked through his impressive cassette and vinyl collection, neatly organized in the furniture under the TV. It was very eclectic.

“Do you want to put anything?” Jungkook showed up with two glasses of juice.

“Is that all yours?”

“Mostly appa’s”, he explained, revealing the cutest lisp on his speech, telling me that he was relaxed around me. He sat on the floor by my side and pointed at a professionally taken family photo next to the TV.

The beautiful frame matched how his family looked. His mom was incredibly elegant with a deep black hair perfectly styled to accentuate her youthful face, his dad seemed older than her and a lot more serious. By his side stood a younger Jungkook with thick bangs that matched his mother’s, and standing in front of him, holding his hand was a little girl with long hair and a cute flowery dress, sporting the biggest smile of them all. He had no tattoos back then, all of them had a light expression to their face except for the dad.

“Wow”, I commented. “You look weird”, Jungkook chuckled and took a sip of his juice, I followed. “Is that your sister?”

“Yes, Jeon Jung-hwa. She was seven in the picture, but she’s ten years old now”, I could tell he was a good oppa by the way she held his hand for protection and how he spoke so fondly of her to me. “Little devil, she is. I swear to you, every simple task at home becomes an adventure because of her.”

I smiled imagining the two of them spontaneously playing fight around the house. “Seems like a happy family”, I talked about the picture.

Jungkook’s smile slowly faded when his eyes wandered to the picture. “This wasn’t a good period for me.”

The faint smile creeping up the corners of a younger, tattoo-less Jungkook could’ve fooled anyone. Once I took a deeper and more careful look, I noticed how his two pitch black eyes looked deep and the darkness on his eyebags were covered up with makeup. His lips were smiling, but his eyes weren’t. Maybe that’s why he looked so weird.

“My parents fight a lot”, he stared at his younger self as he confided in me. “At this time, it was becoming too much for me. I had no self-esteem, didn’t care about my grades dropping- or anything for that matter. I developed obsessive behaviours towards my body that I’m still fighting against. Omma rushed for us to take that picture. It came right before my suicide attempt, it was like- it was like she knew-”, he cleared his throat, unable to finish the sentence. “Everybody knew what was happening to me, but no one had the guts to talk about it. Whatever happy family you see is a lie.”

I held Jungkook’s hand while the slow song filled the silence, he looked down at my attempt to comfort him. Bob came in the room to keep us company, almost as if he knew we needed him there. “How are you today?”

“Better”, he bit the skin off his lip. “I feel like I’m constantly a work in progress, but right now I am definitely better than I’ve ever been.”

I couldn’t possibly understand what he went through, but I was happy that I got to hold his hand in that cold evening. I squeezed it and smiled in reassurance, letting him know that I was here even though I couldn’t do much about it. I understood then how people felt when I talked about abeoji, for I too sought reassuring words and found nothing useful. “I can see that”, was all I could say and hoped that listening would be enough.

Jungkook’s face brightened as he was ready to change the subject. “Hey _Pob_ , should we order something to eat?” He revealed his aegyo talk when addressing the cat _and_ mocked my pronunciation in the process.

“ _Aish, pabo!_ ” I complained. “Yes, sure.”

He excitedly went to the kitchen and came back with a few delivery pamphlets with several options for us to choose from. He said he would pay for it, so I supported him when he chose galbi-gui. I certainly didn’t get to eat beef short ribs for free everyday. We waited for the food listening to music and changing records every few songs, being easily bored of the same artist. I showed him a few songs I knew from his dad’s collection that he wasn’t aware of and he seemed to enjoy some of them. 

Before the food arrived, I felt my pager vibrate in my back pocket and although the sound of it was muffled by my butt, Jungkook heard it. “What’s that?”

“Somebody paged me”, I wondered who it was and shortly recognised Jimin’s number on the tiny screen. “Can I use your phone?”

“Sure”, Jungkook got up and disappeared for a few seconds, quickly returning with the house phone in his hands.

“Wow, no cable?” I said, impressed with the technology bourgeois people had access to. I excused myself and dialled my pager’s number and inserted the password to listen to Jimin’s message. 

“ _Taehyung-ah, where are you? Call me_ ”, his tone seemed annoyed rather than worried, so he was probably trying to reach me at my house and couldn’t. I didn’t worry too much about it and opted to call him back later.

I reassured Jungkook that everything was okay and that it wasn’t urgent, Jimin sometimes did that when he couldn’t reach me. I brushed off his comments saying our relationship was weird and we sat by the table to eat while we watched one of the three channels available at his house. Once he decided he was done with the ribs, he walked towards the radio and put on a song I quickly recognized, the pop song of that Winter, ‘As I Told You’ by Kim Sung-jae.

“This one’s for you, hyung”, he sat by my side on the floor, laid back resting his upper body against the sofa. He held one chopstick by his mouth pretending it was a microfone. _“As I told you I’m in love with you, but I cannot tell you, another day passing by but I’m always going nowhere._ ”

“What the Hell?” I reacted, surprised at the angelic sound of his voice muffled under the music, his spontaneous act of singing showed me that he was comfortable around me to even make a fool out of himself. I don’t think he knew it, but he was doing it while gracefully hitting those notes while making funny expressions.

“ _Every single moment went like that, it was never a coincidence. As much as I love you, I am always scared to say it, I’m such a fool-_ ”, he suddenly stopped singing, feeling a bit self-conscious. I didn’t know if it was because of the singing or the lyrics. “Do you remember that day I came by the bookstore?” 

“How could I forget?” I asked, finishing the galbi-gui and my glass of juice. 

“Jimin told me you worked there, so I stopped by to invite you to my party”, he confessed with a hint of shyness playing on his tone. _“It was never a coincidence”_ , he sang again when the song repeated itself.

I thought about that day and how his visit made me feel. I didn’t want to see him, and at the same time I was so glad I did, my poor heart almost breaking through my chest at the sight of him — and I had no idea why. I wondered why Jimin didn’t tell me about this, especially after I confided in him. Nevertheless, hearing it from Jungkook for the first time made me feel better than it ever could. Knowing for sure that he was as interested as me from the start made me feel important, with a good much needed massage on my ego from him. His dedication through the song, although indirect and shy, spoke a lot too. It was spontaneous and genuine, it made me feel appreciated.

I moved my body to sit closer to him and took a deep breath, feeling the faint smell of his cologne, the natural smell of his skin peeking through several hours after he applied it. My hands touched his smooth, pore-free skin, and it felt wonderful to let them do what they wanted to. I caressed his hair and guided it to the back of his ear, then went to his jawline and chin, until my thumb was in his bottom lip feeling every crease there. I drawed the shape of his pointy cupid's bow with the tip of my finger — it was so rough but it made him seem so delicate, how his bottom was slightly fuller than the upper and how it disappeared when he smiled. Slowly, his plump pink lips parted and made way for his tongue to caress my finger while his big irises held me hostage. Almost as an instinct, my thumb dug into his mouth and he immediately wrapped his lips around it and sucked with no mercy, trapping me in between his pearly teeth. I felt my penis harden against the jean fabric I was wearing.

I inhaled through my teeth and bit my lip. Jungkook slowly released my thumb at his own will and I abided. "You know", he started, looking at me from top to bottom with a lustful gaze. "The night I met you… I couldn't take my eyes off of you."

I weakly smiled at his compliment and remembered the subtle eye contact we exchanged that night, a silent act as though we were telling each other _'I want you'_ through that table full of people, before I even knew it myself. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good, whispering sweet nothings with his daring confident eyes locked on mine — he knew how good he was.

"Do you want me as much as I want you?" He asked with an enticing hint of uncertainty.

"No", I answered. "I want you more. I feel like I can't bear to look at you and not touch you", my hand traveled to his torso and belly. Jungkook's body responded immediately, as we were sitting comfortably on the floor, I could catch a glimpse of his erection forming too.

"Then what are you waiting for?" He raised his eyebrow, daring me.

I moved and watched as his pointy cupid's bow got closer to me, until I couldn't see it anymore. My heart shaped lips lovingly met his and massaged it with affection and eagerness. Jungkook rested his back on the couch, neck falling back slightly as he enjoyed the kiss. Once our lips parted and our tongue met, my legs went over him to sit on his lap and feel his torso against mine, his erection under me saying hello every time my hips moved. Our tender kiss soon became lustful with Jungkook sucking on my lower lip and creeping his hands up my thigh and butt. His big hands squeezed and spread my cheeks apart, and my hips automatically moved against his erection. He moaned deeply in between our kiss and feeling him vibrate under me, I had no doubts that this is what I wanted.

I parted our kiss for a moment, enjoyed the view of Jungkook under me sober for the first time, and caught my breath by placing wet pecks on his neck. His pink lips were swollen from my kiss and the eyes, so keen to trap me before, were closed in his own private world while he felt every inch of me. "I missed 'ya", he breathed out and his hands squeezed me tighter. "Taehyung-ah", his arms wrapped around my waist to hold me in place and his hips jerked upwards, he looked at me biting his lower lip. "Can I fuck ‘ya?"

"Please, do", I replied with a sassy smile creeping on me. "I've done what I need to do."

The corner of Jungkook’s lips pointed upward and he hid it by biting his lip again. His big hands massaged my sides and made me move my hips at his own will, creating friction against his throbbing erection. The maknae let his head fall back and exposed me to his neck, I responded by intertwining my fingers with his thick locks and diving in to taste his smooth milky skin, to suck and bite on it harder as his reactions got louder.

“Get up”, he gave me a slap on the bum and I abided without second guessing.

Jungkook, although not drunk, had his cheeks reddened. This was purely my effect on him and it was satisfying to watch his body change accordingly. With my erection at this eye level, Jungkook’s fast and skilled fingers unbuttoned my jeans and lowered it to my thigh, letting his hands wander to my ass one more time and sinking his fingers over the thin fabric of my boxers. I helt the base of my erection to somehow relieve myself, but he slapped my hand away, forbidding me to do so. I bit my lip and held my hands on my lower back to prevent me from touching myself or him, and let him do whatever he wanted to me.

Jungkook, with both of his hands occupied with my behind, approached me and delighted himself by rubbing his face against my erection. He took care of my leaking tip with his nose and tongue, making it wetter with his saliva. He rubbed his cheeks throughout the shaft with as much pressure as he could and I could see his face turn redder with the friction and his hair go wilder. He brought shivers of pleasure from the soles of my feet, up my thighs and to the core of my stomach, and his mouth hadn’t even touched me yet. Although it was Jungkook on his knees, it was I who was at his mercy.

With decades of music records scattered around us, the radio songs setting the mood and Bob’s curious stare, this was what I could call an oasis. “Let’s go to my room.”

I wanted to look around his room and notice every detail in there, but it was hard when Jungkook looked at me as though I was the only person that mattered in the world. He cupped my cheek and our lips met again, this time with more urgency than before, in a rush to taste each other’s luscious tongues. His once strange body turned familiar to me and after a few times together, my fingers were no longer clumsy, my movements no longer insecure. I knew exactly when and where to dig my nails to get a reaction, where to bite and pull on his elastic skin, and at the same time had fun discovering new places to explore. Our bodies moved in sync, dancing in the room with steady blind steps, until Jungkook removed my shirt and pressed me against the wall, jerking his hips forward so that I could feel how hard he was.

Jungkook lowered my jeans again and I helped him remove his clothes while I kicked mine off my ankles. Freed of our layers at last and only the thin fabric of our boxers between us, I held his hips in place and pressed our erections against each other, using the right kind of pressure to make him seek balance in the wall behind me and moan against my ear. The friction of his own leaking tip against mine made my balls tighten, brought shivers of pleasure down my thighs and soaked my underwear in precum. Jungkook, feeling me shiver, went down on his knees and worked his way through my underwear, this time not waiting half a second to involve me with his warm mouth and palpitating lips, sucking on my throbbing tip and masturbating me. I deliriously watched him take me as much as he could in his mouth, licking my tip to catch his breath and go back at it a few seconds later. I bathed myself in him, caressed his hair letting my hips thrust into his mouth, covering my penis with precum and his saliva like it was honey dripping off both of us.

A few moments later, Jungkook pulled away and the beautiful mess I had made of him only made me want him more. I wanted to know how it felt being one with him. With a mean stare and a crease between his eyebrows, Jungkook held my hips and skilfully spun me around and suddenly all I could see was his wall. I spread my hands on it and braced myself for what was about to come. His hands brought my hips toward him and pushed my lower back so I was partly bent over, supporting myself on the wall and completely exposed to him.

“Relax, baby”, he instructed me when he felt me tense up, and his palms traveled back to my cheeks and spread them apart for him. I felt Jungkook’s warm, velvety tongue on my perineum traveling upwards. Once he reached my button, my entire body quivered and I couldn’t hold back a moan. His soft, luscious tongue caressed me with desire, playing on my entrance and making me dripping wet. I masturbated myself to intensify the pleasure, focusing on my tip in small, slow movements. Jungkook’s finger played on my entrance too, alongside his tongue, and with a light pressure, his finger was inside of me. And then two. Soon enough, he was playing with three fingers on my prostate.

When he thought I was relaxed enough, he got up and quickly went through one of his drawers to catch a condom and a small transparent recipient. I watched with the corner of my eye as he put the condom on and spread the gelatinous liquid through one of his fingers. Jungkook held my hip roughly and spread the cold liquid on my button as he bit my earlobe. I felt his tip rubbing against me, so much thicker than his fingers, and braced myself one more time.

“Hyung, it’s okay”, he reassured me without making any pressure against my entrance, just rubbing the tip of his penis against it. Jungkook’s free hand reached forward to masturbate me and as my thighs relaxed with his rouch, so did my entrance, and with minimum pressure from his part, my button swallowed him easily. I heard him moan close to my ear, his deep breaths making me spread myself wider for him. Jungkook entered me ever so slowly, patient and careful — it hurt as he got deeper, but when he began to pull out I wanted more of him. Unhurriedly, he thrusted in and out, holding my hip with one hand and masturbating me with the other. Soon enough, that delicious pain turned into true pleasure, and I was ready to take more.

“Faster”, I told him in between short breaths. Gradually speeding up, he then held my hips in place and I felt us as one, and it was amazing. With Jungkook reaching my core in a rhythmic, skillful dance, I felt the hair on the back of my neck bristle and with him so close to the nape, he noticed it and responded by biting and sucking on my skin. My entire body trembled, from the soles of my feet, to my inner thighs and my balls, I felt close.

“You feel so good”, his deep voice echoed and his short breaths filled my ear. It was enough to make my cries of pleasure louder and more incomprehensible, with both him inside of me, I masturbated myself until my core tightened.

“Jungkoogah, I’m gonna cum”, was all I could say, in a mix of wonder and confusion, how I didn’t know I could reach such a strong orgasm like this. I heard his breathing become uneven and his thrusts got deeper and faster and clumsy, his fingernails dug on my skin, telling me he was close as well. With my eyes rolling inside my head and my toes twirling, I mercilessly came on his rug. My penis vibrated as I pumped the white liquid, my muscles suddenly relaxing from the intense wave of pleasure. Jungkook followed me right after, sweat dripping on my back and his poor body suddenly relaxing as well.

He removed himself from me and the condom, threw it in a corner to deal with it later and let his body fall on his bed with arms wide open. I watched his beautiful naked body for a moment and did the same as him, lying on his tattooed arm, tired and amazed with what I had just experienced. “ _Daebak_ ”, I said, looking at him. He chuckled and his soft belly moved up and down. “That was amazing”, I made sure to tell him as soon as I could, caressing the damp skin of his face, moving his wet hair out of the way. He turned his body and threw his arms and legs over me in a huge embrace. 

“I’m glad you liked it”, a shy smile creeped on the corner of his mouth. “I’m not really a bottom kind of guy.”

“That’s not what I heard last time”, I commented freely and made him blush.

“Shut up.”

**who are you?**

I used to dread dreaming about appa because I knew it would hurt, I knew it would shatter me in the tiniest pieces possible if I met with him again. But the first dream I had of him was soothing and paternal, just the two of us shopping for lamen when I was six and insisted on having the seafood flavor — which wasn't a memory, just a dream my head made up. Truth is that who decides if the dream is going to be good or bad is the unconscious mind, and for a while I was thankful I didn't dream of him, and when I did, the dreams weren't particularly good or bad. Only when the first anniversary came around the corner did the dreams become nightmares, and then they became worse. Grief is with you whether you are awake or asleep. The worst kind of dream is the type of dream where he is alive and I am treating him poorly like I used to, and there's a small corner in my mind where I know he's going to die and yet I still mistreat him. I guess this one is the worst because we do know our parents are going to die, but we still choose to act that way.

I had that dream when I slept on Jungkook's bed. That night we took a shower together and played a typing game in the computer room — the first time I ever saw one in person — until it was midnight and I had to go to bed, for I still had to work the next morning. He lied with me until we slowly fell asleep together, and I found myself at a random house, of which I knew was grandma's, trying to learn how to ride a bike at fifteen years old. The grass was made out of spikes, appa was wearing a green suit under the sunlight, I was mad at him for pushing me and trying to teach me, he was yelled at and stood there quiet, not understanding why I was acting out. Inside of my own head I was screaming and crying hard, but I couldn’t stop myself. There was nothing I could do. I sensed Jungkook’s smell and felt my heart racing, and it became more apparent as I slowly returned to consciousness. I woke up completely when my cries in the dream became a groan on my throat and I opened my eyes. Not realizing where I was, I looked around in panic.

Jungkook was sitting on the bed looking at me. As I situated myself, I breathed out relieved that it was a dream, lied down again and waited until my heart calmed down. Dreams like these became more often as appa's death anniversary approached, and the next day would be the fifth year without him.

"Are you okay?" Jungkook asked after a while. I was a sweaty mess and did not want to be going through that on his bed. "Night terror?"

"No", I rubbed my face, annoyed at myself, annoyed at my subconscious. "Just a bad dream."

"What was it about?" He stared with his swollen, curious eyes.

"Appa…"

"What's with appa? You've mentioned him before", he asked without any filters. That's how people usually talk before they know, and when I tell them their tone gets dark and serious like I had just confessed a crime.

"He's dead."

Silence.

"Come here", he lied back down and took me in a warm embrace. My heart was still racing and I was still feeling a little bit of that nightmare rush, but Jungkook did not let me go.

In that comforting bed, in his tender arms, I was sure that this is what I lived for. I calmed down in no time, the bad feeling in my gut after a nightmare completely dissipating with his protectiveness. My sight caught the early morning daylight shining through the drapes and giving a romantic feeling to the warm toned room, I could only see a few books on the shelf and posters messily put up. Everything about it had so much life, every corner being carefully taken care of and decorated by him — even if it happened by accident, like Jungkook forgetting to put the vinyl back on the shelf and so it stood sitting upward on the desk for weeks and now it's part of the room. 

"I could stay like this forever", I closed my eyes.

"Then stay", his husky voice made his chest vibrate under me. "Call in sick. Stay just a little longer."

My heart felt a little smaller after his request, and it hurt to say no. I just didn't have the luxury to get myself a day off — I couldn't afford leaving Mi-soo alone at the shop without previous warning either. His morning eyes showed me disappointment, but there was nothing I could do. We have very different upbringings, I don't think he would understand what it feels like to have to work to survive. Before I could think anything else, the loud sound of my beeper in the pocket of my long forgotten jeans made itself known.

I left Jungkook half-asleep on the bed and went searching for it, wondering who could it possibly be. After finding it, I recognized Jimin's number on the tiny screen. " _Shibal_. Kook-ssi, I'm gonna use your phone, a’ight?"

He moaned against the pillow in return and out of the room I came scavenging for the wireless phone — which, come to think of it, was the stupidest idea on the planet. Because of that, it took me a solid five minutes to find something that otherwise I would have known where it was all along. I impatiently dialled Jimin's number to talk to him directly instead of hearing his message.

"What?" I said as soon as he picked up.

"Taehyung? Where were you?" This time he seemed genuinely concerned.

"I'm... At a friend's", I slapped my forehead with the palm of my hand. 

"Whose?"

"Ah- J-Jungkook's", I tried to seem as nonchalant as possible, but my stuttering and unstable voice weren't helpful. I slapped my forehead two more times.

"I guess you're fine, then", he replied bluntly. "’Gotta go, if you need me- you know where to find me."

He hung up. Jimin remembers the day appa died just as much as me. He could never feel it like me, but I know he definitely felt it _with_ me. That day would be carved in his memory forever, and it somehow felt less of a burden, having someone to share it with other than omma. I didn't have a chance to apologize for not calling back.

"The guys are meeting at Seokjin hyung's house later, he said you should come", Jungkook reappeared from his room, dragging his feet around and scratching his head, doing his very best to keep his eyes open and absolutely failing. He threw his body on the couch.

I pondered, not knowing what to do. I did want to go and spend time with Jungkook, but my current state of mind wasn’t the very best. The way I left things with Jimin bothered me, I knew something was off with him by the sound of his voice — and we never caught up on the _Mi-soo incident_. Besides that, I was supposed to seclude myself and feel what I had to feel. “I don’t know. Tomorrow is a difficult day for me.”

“How come?”

“Appa’s death anniversary.”

“I understand. Why don’t you give it a thought and let me know later?” Jungkook sounded caring and comprehensive, so I decided that’s exactly what I was going to do: think about it.

I didn’t really think about it at work. I wanted to go, but I didn’t want to spend any money, because I was still trying to recover from my birthday celebration. But I wanted to see Jimin and spend time with Jungkook. My impasse was so strong that I made no decision and did not think about it the entire day simply because it was easier than making a choice. I avoided it until I couldn’t. At the end of the day, when me and noona were preparing to close the shop, Jungkook walked in with a confident catwalk as he brushed his hair back with his fingers. It caught me by surprise, with my heart reacting wildly to the unplanned visit and my legs almost giving in.

“Hi, noona”, he acknowledged her first and bowed down.

“Hey, Kookie!” She showed him a welcoming smile, but did not stop what she was doing, knowing that he had come for me.

“Hyung”, he addressed me. “Do you want a ride?”

“Sure”, I shrugged. He also offered noona a ride, but she was on her bike — surprisingly maintaining that habit — so she politely declined. Once our shift was finally over, we closed the shop with Jungkook’s help and quickly parted our ways. I was surprised to see that the maknae had a driver’s license, but then again, things like these come around easier if you have the money to do so. He drove a white 1966 Chevrolet Bel Air in which by the smooth sound of the motor and the beige leather interior, even a person who knows nothing about cars would know that _this_ was not an affordable option. Although the car was from the sixties, the inside smelled new, the leather mixed with Jungkook’s cologne made a foreign environment feel known. He rolled up his sleeves and put his hair up in a half-ponytail to drive, his big eyes focusing on the road and the commands in front of him. It was cute. 

I observed him, although he seemed like he had just gotten a license, he had firm movements and seemed to know what he was doing. “Are you coming today?” He looked at me for a brief moment in between a red light.

“I’m not sure yet”, I was honest.

“Come with me to Seokjin’s house, you’ll take your mind off of things”, Jungkook’s right hand wandered to my knee and my eyes immediately stared at it, stroking my thigh through the jean fabric. I let my hand fall upon his, they looked funny together. Mine slightly tanned and his milky white, tattoo-filled skin. We seemed really different from each other. At the absence of a reply from me, Jungkook brought my hand to his lips and placed small, loud pecks on the back of it as a clear sign of manipulation. Batting his eyelashes at me, it was fun watching him insist for me to come. “Pretty please?”

I chuckled. “Okay.”

His expression brightened up as he showed me his bunny teeth, bringing creases to his eyes, and turning his attention back to the road. After we arrived at my flat, I invited him up to wait in my room while I got myself ready, and as I came out of the shower, I found Jungkook comfortably rummaging through my clothes. A side of me felt happy that he was comfortable enough to do this, another side wondered what the Hell he was doing.

“Umm?” I made myself known as I towel dried my hair.

“You have pretty clothes”, he said as though he was explaining himself, but I continued to understand nothing at all.

“I didn’t know you were a fashion enthusiast”, I lied as I tightened the towel on my hips and got myself a pair of underwear. He dressed way too nice for it to be a coincidence _every_ time, which was my case whenever I made a correct fashion choice; unintentional and occasional.

“Can I wear this tonight?” He held a bright yellow jacket I had in front of him to show me how it would look like with his blue jeans and white shirt, I chuckled at him and mumbled a _‘sure’_.

I chose to wear a pair of dark green pants and a beige sweater. We changed ourselves into our new looks for the night and after I finished styling my hair, I thought I looked okay, but Jungkook suggested that I tucked my sweater into my pants and I took the advice. It felt odd, but after he buffed it out a little, I looked a whole lot better.

“You look handsome”, Jungkook commented and I thanked the compliment with a smile, fixing my long bangs.

Both of us entered the Bel Air, this time feeling a lot more confident with our new looks, and off we went chatting away on the twenty-five minute drive to Seokjin’s home. Jungkook showed me an album he said was his all time favourite by an artist called Joni Mitchell. He seemed so passionate while talking about it that I listened carefully to the album’s first track, with pleasant guitar strolls and once the woman’s voice filled the car, melodic and full of her own personality in it, I was impressed. There was enough time for us to listen to just a couple of tracks, but it was enough to spark my interest and want to listen to the whole thing.

When I walked out of that elegant car in my dark green pants, my man by my side and the Joni Mitchell tune in my head, I felt like a rockstar. I took the album with me so we could listen to its entirety as we drank the soju Jungkook had bought for us. Jungkook rang the doorbell and I stood behind him, fixing my sweater and my curly bangs. Seokjin welcomed us by the door with a warm smile in his plump lips, he looked more gorgeous than ever and seemed happy to see me.

“You’re finally here!” He bowed for us, seeming a little drunk already. “Good thing you brought soju, everyone else thinks beer is the only type of alcohol in the world”, he laughed brightly and I joined him, feeling a little more excited to be there with his contagious laughter.

Jungkook and I left our shoes by the door and entered Seokjin’s home. It definitely seemed more like a family home than Jungkook’s. It had personality, like his own mother had decorated it instead of hiring someone to do so, seeming more human with the drapes that didn’t match the couch and a bunch of photographs hung up on the wall. A good place to raise your children, send them off to school and grow old with your partner.

We could hear everybody chatting in the living room as we approached them. The first person I saw was Jimin laughing hysterically on the floor, and Hoseok, the only two people in the room who made it sound like a handful of people were having a party. Their eyes turned to us and Jimin seemed surprised to see me there, I watched his happy smile fade into a quizzical expression. I said my hellos to them and Hoseok replied with a _‘Hey, man’_ in English, Jimin said he didn’t know I was coming instead of saying hello.

I sat by Jimin’s side on the floor, giving him a shy toothless smile and he bounced it back with a deadly stare. Although I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay mad for a long time, this type of treatment still killed me. I pinched his waist playfully, trying to make him smile and break character, but he didn’t flinch, only seemed angrier.

“ _Aish_ , come on, Jimin. I’m sorry, okay?” I surrendered. “I forgot to call you back, I’m sorry.”

I secretly hoped he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, but knowing Jimin, there was nothing else he could do. What was left for me is give him time until he doesn’t feel like choking me anymore.

Seokjin returned with cups for me and Jungkook and turned the radio on in a good volume for us to talk whilst listening to the music. The maknae poured his hyungs a drink before pouring to himself and we made a small toast. “To… Having booze”, Seokjin’s glass met mine and everyone else’s. We drank to that for lack of a better toast. “Jungkook, did you tell him?”

“No, hyung.”

I raised my eyebrows at Jungkook sitting by my side, silently asking him what that was about. I obtained no answer, for he did not look at me. I looked at Jimin and got the same type of reaction.

“So you don’t know, Taehyung-ah?” Seokjin made himself comfortable on the floor, between Jungkook and Hoseok. With Jimin between Hoseok and me, we were sitting in a circle with the alcohol-filled center table between us. I snacked on the potatoes placed in the very center and shook my head to answer Seokjin’s question. “This is a pre-trip gathering. My hyung has a house out in the field with his wife, but he’s going away with her to Thailand for a few weeks and is leaving me the keys. It’s a beautiful place out there, I swear to you, there’s no way to get bored.”

“Oh, seems nice”, I commented, not knowing what to say or where he was going with this.

“The best part is: your friends are coming. Your _girl-_ friends”, Hoseok said as he opened his arms as though he was revealing the key to a huge 1 billion won safe. His big pearly teeth seemed like they were worth that much.

I chuckled at his reaction that was followed by a high five from Seokjin. “Who are you talking about?”

“Seol-hee and Ae-ra, _pabo_!” Seokjin answered. “I don’t know about Mi-soo, though. I think she has to work or something.”

I looked at Jimin, he had his head down the whole time while quietly sipping on his drink. _Aigo_ , the poor guy, I could’ve held him right then and there if he wasn’t so mad at me.

“Anyways, we would love it if you came along too!” Seokjin finally finished his invitation and I was actually surprised that they thought of me as a part of that group, not just Jimin’s friend who comes around sometimes.

“Omo”, I breathed out as a smile creeped into my lips. Seokjin and Hoseok smiled back, eagerly waiting for an answer from me. Maybe I wasn’t around strangers at my birthday party after all, I had more people there who wished me well than I thought. I looked at Jimin, who was the whole reason why I even knew them in the first place, but he seemed caught up in his own world. “I’d love to… But I work with Mi-soo”, my heart broke. I really wanted to go. 

“Can’t she cover for you? It’s just a part-time job anyway”, Hoseok shrugged, and he had a valid point. “She can join us later, even.”

“S’a good idea”, Seokjin pointed out and I was keen to make that happen.

Jungkook also sat there wearing my bright yellow coat quietly drinking his soju and eating chips, not saying a single word of encouragement like Seokjin and Hoseok. The low self-esteem part of Kim Taehyung wondered if he didn’t want me to come. 

“I’ll talk to her about it and see if we can make it work”, I told them and they seemed excited that I was willing to make an effort. I was sure that Mi-soo would not want to go, but maybe she could cover for me.

I looked at Jimin again, who hadn’t said a word as well. “Are you coming?” I quietly asked him.

“Well, yeah?” He did not look at me as he threw this sarcastic tone on the table, it quietly built an anger inside me that made me want to kick his tiny face across the wall.

Hoseok and Seokjin were caught up in a conversation about who would ride whose car, so I turned to Jimin again to speak only to him. “Do you want me to come?”

“Well”, his eyes wandered up to me. “Can’t say that I do.”

“Don’t be an idiot”, I reminded him with my blank stare that his words could be just as hurtful as whatever I did to him, and if he did it on purpose, it’d be even worse. I hoped he got the message.

I decided then that _I_ was mad at _him_ and that I wasn’t going to give him any of my unwanted attention that night. Turning back to the guys, I saw they had Seokjin’s study white board pulled out and two cars drawn with our names divided in each one of them. I laughed at their organization, drunken handwritten names inside of poorly drawn cars made everything seem more real.

“Do we need another car?” Hoseok questioned. “Taehyung-ah, which one do you like the best, Seoul or Ae-ra?”

I laughed and choked on my soju. “Ae-ra.”

“So he can come with you, Ae-ra and Jimin!” Hoseok went back into his heated argument with Seokjin, whose side defended for two cars.

I finished another soju shot before turning to Jungkook, who still hadn’t said a thing. “Do you want me to come?”

Jungkook put away his cup and scoffed, looking at me and at Jimin by my side. He shrugged, his big eyes blinking slowly as the liquor took over his body. “I don’t care.”

I blinked a few times, taking in his indifferentness towards me, his tone and his blank expression. “What?” Is all I managed to say, stunned.

“Why would I _want_ or _not want_ you to come? I mean, sure. I don’t mind”, he shrugged again.

I didn’t know what to answer, or what to think, so I said nothing and thought a lot. Did he want to have alone time with the guys, or did he not want me being friends with his friends? I met them before he was even their freshman, we were just two people with relationships in common, which is also why we met in the first place. It wasn’t that big of a deal, so why would he act that way? A part of me wanted him to actively want me there too, instead of not making a difference.

I gulped down my liquor, smoke was about to come out of my ears when I decided that perhaps I was overthinking. Jungkook _did_ say that he didn’t mind if I came, so my conclusion was that I was letting my insecurities get the best of me, I had nothing to worry about.

“I am officially tipsy”, I commented and got a clapping laugh out of Hoseok.

“Let’s get this one drunk”, he pointed at me. “Let’s play a drinking game!”

“Let’s play _saranghae_ to get in the mood!” Seokjin suggested and before anyone could say anything, Hoseok supported him and it was decided, we were playing _saranghae_. Both of them poured us some soju and the three of us hesitantly held our cups, waiting for the game to begin.

“Who starts?” I asked, Seokjin volunteered.

Hoseok, who was sitting by Seokjin’s left side and would be his victim, closed his eyes playfully for a few seconds and moved his lips as though he was warming them up for the game. I laughed at the funny faces he was making and when he was done, Seokjin turned his body to him, already laughing. His broad shoulders moved up and down and Hoseok turned red trying not to laugh too. “ _Saranghae_ ”, said the eldest in between short breaths.

Hoseok couldn’t take it, he was too weak. He laughed, so he had to drink. It was then his turn to address the person on his left side, which was Jimin, and clown the shit out of him until he couldn’t take it anymore. “ _Saranghae Jiminie-ssi!_ ”

Jimin couldn’t take it either. Hoseok was too good, and he was too weak. Jimin laughed, so he drank the soju straight out of the bottle. While he was taking his drink, I closed my eyes to focus on my turn.

Jimin’s eyes were serious and he looked like he was preparing himself as well. His tactic was different from Seokjin and Hoseok’s, he didn’t clown, he furrowed his eyebrows at me instead and with a low speaking voice, he whispered. “Taehyung. _Saranghae._ ”

That was the creepiest shit I had ever seen, his voice lingering for a little bit after that. I laughed out loud, and Jimin knew exactly what to do to make me succumb. I paid my penalty and then realized it was my turn, and the person on my left side was Jungkook. I closed my eyes and focused on not freaking out over the fact that I had to say that I love him in front of all these people and just-

I flared my nostrils a few times at him. “ _Saranghae._ ”

Jungkook remained dead serious, but sipped on his drink nevertheless, as though he was too good for that game. I rolled my eyes at the despicable maknae.

“You failed! Now try again”, Hoseok told me, clapping his hands, as excited about my failure as he was about his own victory.

I pouted and turned to Jimin. I opted for the desperate option: a three stage _aegyo_ . “ _Sa. Rang. Haeeeeee!_ ”

Hoseok and Seokjin rolled on the floor and Jimin’s face slowly turned red, he bit his lips and inhaled deeply, trying his very best not to laugh. He managed to calm himself down though, and I lost a second time.

“Oh my God”, the maknae said under his breath with a smile creeping up his lips, but he was too cool to laugh. I knew that if we were at my place, or his place, he would’ve laughed with me.

I gulped the two shots that I owed them for my failures and sang _‘Random Game’_ so that we could quickly get out of that torture. The mood wasn’t the best for any type of game, something felt a little off in me, who came out to have a good time but ended up being ignored by the two most important people in my life. So it’s fair to say I wasn’t in the mood for playing games, neither were they, so the game parade quickly died off.

“I am successfully drunk, though”, I told Hoseok that his plans worked. With a silly look on my face, I pulled out the cassette tape on my back pocket. “How about we listen to some Joni Mitchell?”

“Are you kidding me?” Jungkook’s tone was of someone who had long lost their patience. “No. It’s too sad.”

“Who’s that?” Seokjin asked, seeming genuinely interested, or just being really nice about my suggestion. A big contrast to Jungkook.

“It’s an american singer”, stupid, but that was all I knew about her. “She’s really good-”

“That shit’s depressing”, Jungkook cut me off.

I understood then, that Jungkook wasn’t angry at me or anything like that. Nothing had happened. What I felt with his words was way too familiar, I was acquainted with that side of him — it was his mask. He puts it on in front of people, he had always been like that, I just forgot about it after getting to know him in the privacy of our homes. I still remember how something about him put me off, he seemed odd from the start. I understand everything now. I see right through him.

I realised then that I didn’t want to be in that place anymore; I was extremely uncomfortable with that whole situation, so I wanted to leave. He was the one who showed me that stupid record in the first place, there was no need to act like that to reassure his masculinity in a situation where it wasn’t at stake. I carefully placed the cassette tape on the center table, to my left side, so that he could take it home later.

“Seokjin, can I use your phone? I just got paged”, I interrupted whatever they were talking about at that moment.

The kind host led me to the kitchen and pointed me to the green phone hung up on the wall, its long cable draping all the way to the floor. Seokjin gave me privacy and, with my head spinning, I struggled to type Jimin’s pager number on the phone. I could see them talking through the counter. His welcoming message was a pop song he had recorded from the radio, so I waited until it was over.

“I’m not feeling good, so I’m going home. Nothing serious happened, I just feel like going home-”, my voice cracked and I cleared my throat. I watched them having fun while I recorded the message. “You can’t be mad at me forever. _Annyeong_ ... _Saranghae._ ”

I dialled the number zero to finish the recording and sent him the message he would probably get soon. Getting back to the living room, I went straight to Seokjin’s side to say goodbye. “Hey guys, I gotta go. Something came up. Thanks for having me, Jin hyung.”

“ _Aigo_ ”, he got up from the floor. “Is it serious?”

“No, it’s not. It’s fine, I just have to go help someone out”, I blatantly lied as I waved everybody goodbye from afar and Seokjin took me to the door. I heard Jimin’s pager beeping from afar.

I left just in time to know that Jimin got my message, so he wouldn’t worry about me. I walked around Seokjin’s neighbourhood until I found the main street and managed to get into a cab home.

I closed my door and kicked my shoes off, getting that stupid sweater out of my pants and turning the heater on as soon as possible. My apartment was spinning around me and I was pissed. I was hurt. I woke up that Saturday morning being comforted by one man, and said goodbye that night to another. The way he treated me was ridiculous and it made me feel less, like many times before. 

I turned on the light from my room and was met with Jungkook’s mess. He made himself present even when he wasn’t, the man who scavenged around my clothes did not seem as tangible as earlier that night. I was holding tears in, because I wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction of crying over them. I kicked my clothes on the floor out of frustration, because I couldn’t kick who I wanted to.

I prepared for bed, ready to make that day disappear, and right after I turned off the lights, my doorbell rang. _‘Could it be?’_ I asked, shamelessly giving myself hope.

“Who is it?” I carefully asked through the line.

“ _Jimin._ ”

“Oh”, I said before opening the door for him, sounding genuinely surprised that he showed up.

“You seemed to be expecting someone else”, his drunken lazy eyes said as they analyzed me. “I can leave.”

“No, stay, come in”, I opened the door further for him to enter and he obliged, kicking off his shoes and going straight inside.

Jimin entered the room and guided himself through the dark, not turning on the lights before sitting on my bed. “Wanna talk about it?” 

He wasn’t stupid, of course he knew. But I wasn’t going to confirm it, as I wasn’t the only one involved. It wasn’t my place to tell, but it sure gave me a knot on my throat and suffocated me. “Let’s just go to sleep, alright?” I lied on the bed sideways facing him, resting my face on my palms. “Let’s just say it was a mistake coming over to Seokjin’s. I should’ve stayed home like I do every year.”

“This has nothing to do with appa, don’t put it on him”, I saw Jimin’s silhouette remove his shirt and lie down to sleep. “The poor guy’s been dead for six years and you still blame him-”

“Do you want to get beaten today? You really sound like you want to get punched.”

“A’ight, I’m sorry.”

“No, I won’t take your apology. I’ll just act like a fucking idiot and make you feel shitty the entire night because you hurt my feelings”, I criticized him.

“ _Aigooo_ ”, I could hear him scowl.

I put my hand on the front of his face. “Close your eyes. Sleep.” 


	4. Too Close For Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, masks are put away. Kim Taehyung can finally see the people around him for who they are when Jungkook and Jimin decide to open up about their insecurities and deepest, darkest secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone still reads this and enjoys it send me an ayooo  
> let me tell u a secret: I'm considering publishing this story as an actual book, but I'm insecure idk if it's book material or not but I really do like this story lol would love some input on the matter  
> thank u for reading me

**too close for comfort**

I soon realized I couldn’t rely my happiness on someone else, even though that person might make me really happy at times, I’d be giving them the power to make me miserable. After all, a person is all people are, and a person makes mistakes. People will make mistakes, but how they act upon it is what makes the difference. 

I had a dreamless night because of the alcohol, but I was easily awakened by Jimin’s every movement on the bed. It was a cold morning, and our skinny legs got tangled with the blanket at some point and daylight shone through my window because I failed to close the drapes the night before. With Jimin’s little fingers fondly combing through my hair and his sweet familiar smell impregnated on the sheets, I was awakened again. My head was turned away from him, so I closed my eyes again to enjoy his affection and hopefully fall back to sleep.

“I dreamt about the day you left for conscription”, Jimin’s voice was humorous as he recalled the dream, knowing that I was awake. “You were lucky you had me.”

“Why?” I mumbled against the pillow without looking at him.

“It was pretty sad watching you, Hyun-jin and Han leave, but it was even worse not having anyone by my side when I left”, he stopped touching my hair once I was fully awake and responding. I turned my head towards him without my belly leaving the bed and kicked the blanket away. Jimin’s black hair was draped on the white pillow below him and he stared at the ceiling with those puffy morning cheeks I was so used to he didn’t even bother hiding anymore

“You’ve never said that before”, I commented. He indeed had never talked about it, made me wonder why bring that up all of a sudden. Jimin was called to enlist later than I did, and for the most part of my serving, Jimin was out here building a life for himself, only to pause it later to join the army. I, on the other hand, chose to join the navy and stayed for two years on the third fleet, in the Mokpo headquarters. Jimin came to visit me a couple of times in Mokpo before his enlistment, I had fond memories of us hanging out at the beach on a weekend off and showing him the city.

Although we were far away from each other for a few years, we did our best to keep in touch and visit when we could. When both of us were free from our duties, we had already lived and grown so much as individuals, and I expected us to change. But I still remember his call the day he was released, not too long ago. I met him at the Yeongdeungpo train station with his little uniform and his hair cut short, I almost didn’t recognize him, and yet when we opened our mouths, I saw a known face.

“Do you miss your friends from the navy?” He asked me, rubbing the sleep off his eyes. I liked that Jimin knows exactly what to do when I am upset: not talk about it. Not ask if I’m okay, because obviously I’m not. So he’d take my mind off of it through a simple conversation, a game, or just being here was enough.

“I do.”

“Who do you miss the most?” He sounded like a teenage girl ready to gossip and it was fun, nice to see him brighten up after a few rough days.

I didn’t have to think about it too hard. “Dewi Min Yoon-gi.”

We looked at the clock with the sound of my stomach roaring and decided 11 am was a good time for us to have breakfast. I looked at a few pamphlets I kept at my place and decided we’d order something instead of cooking, because neither of us knew how to cook anything decent. Me and Jimin sat on my bed and read a few mangas while we waited for the food, although I wasn’t able to focus on it too much. I felt like somebody had put my insides in a blender and poured everything back through my mouth, and I knew exactly who that was.

Once the doorbell finally rang, Jimin ran out of my room to get it, but I didn’t hear the door open. He ran back instead, with a frightened look in his eyes.

“It’s Jungkook.”

My stomach dropped as I copied his expression, genuinely surprised that he was here. I wasn’t happy with his visit, though. I did not want to deal with him or any of my emotions toward him today, so I asked Jimin to tell him to go away. He didn’t seem happy about it, but complied by swallowing a big chunk of saliva and leaving for the door. I ran to the bathroom to listen to the conversation. 

He slowly opened the door, hesitating a thousand times before doing so.

“Jimin?” Jungkook seemed surprised to see him here.

“Hey, Jungkook”, Jimin didn’t sound very welcoming.

“Uh- Is Taehyung here?”

“Yes, but he doesn’t want to talk to you today”, his protective stern voice echoed through the flat. I could imagine the death stare he was giving me yesterday being aimed at Jungkook.

“I just need to say something-”

“I think you’ve said enough.”

“Excuse me?” Jungkook seemed confused at Jimin’s choice of words.

“He’ll talk to you when he’s ready.”

I heard the door close. 

Jungkook did as he was told and gave me space, did not try to contact me for a few days. I carried on after that, went to work and back home as things normalized inside of me. Feelings come and go, I had accepted that, and instead of trying to avoid them, I decided that it was better for me to let myself feel them until they went away. I realized that the fight towards accepting myself was a war filled with battles, and that I had to constantly be fighting against myself. All it took was a couple of words from Jungkook to completely shatter my self-confidence, so I’d do my best to not give him that kind of power over me.

The thing is, loving is letting your guard down and giving the other person that kind of power. They can make you fly over the clouds or throw you from them. You are vulnerable in order to give yourself to someone else and just hope they’ll be responsible about it, but your love towards others should never be as big as the love you have for yourself. That way, you can pick yourself up in case someone throws you from the clouds. People are messy, we’re all just trying to navigate life and figuring out how to love ourselves. That’s why I listened to what he had to say when he showed up at the shop and waited for me outside, leaning against the Bel-Air like that fella James Dean we see on North American TV.

Noona and I closed the shop and I found myself doing everything as slow as I could, dreading the conversation I was about to have, for I didn’t know if we were about to break up or make peace. Mi-soo and Jungkook talked briefly until she left with her bike, and I stood there uneased with my arms crossed.

“Come, I’ll take you home”, he opened the door he was leaning against and I hesitated, staring at him as though I could pierce his skull. “Come on.”

The ride home was silent, none of us tried to make conversation or fill the silence with music. The Joni Mitchell _‘Blue’_ tape was nowhere to be seen and I wondered if he even took it home. Jungkook carefully parked outside of my building, but neither showed any signs of leaving the car.

“Hyung”, Jungkook spoke first. I looked anywhere but him, parading a scowl on my face. “I’m sorry about the way I talked to you. I was trying to be careful in front of people, but I really want you to come to Chuncheon with us.”

“You have no right to treat me like that, I don’t care what you were trying to do”, I spoke to him for the first time that night.

“I know. I’m sorry”, he moved on the leather seat and I could see his head down from the corner of my eye. “This is new to me too.”

“You’ve never had a boyfriend?” My eyes darted at him, surprised with the revelation.

“No”, his lips pouted as he stared at his fidgeting fingers. “Just partners. They weren’t exactly nice to me.”

“Umm?” I signaled for him to continue talking and that I was listening.

“You’re really confident with what you feel and how you express it, but I’m not like that. I’ve never had a good example in my life, so I’m struggling. Learning. I’m not exactly comfortable”, he dozed off, expecting me to know what he was talking about.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m getting used to it- displaying affection”, he looked at me with uncertain eyes and his hand hesitantly reached out to touch mine, but once he did, he held it tight. “Doesn’t mean that I don’t like it, though”, Jungkook revealed a kind little smile. “I’m sorry, Tae.”

I took a deep breath, appreciating his honesty and understanding how hard it must’ve been for him to be vulnerable and tell me those things. I can clearly see he has many walls built for protection, but slowly he’s bringing them down for me.

“Jungkookie, you’re forgiven”, I held his hand back, a little tighter than him. “But if the time comes and you don’t know how to act in front of people, then it’s better to do nothing at all.”

“I’ll keep that in mind”, he said amidst a chuckle. “So are you coming with us?”

“I haven’t talked to noona yet, but I want to go”, I bit my lip. “Do you want to come in?”

“I can’t, my parents are back. Appa’s going to worry about the car”, he smiled, his humor seeming a lot better than when he arrived at the shop. “I’ll see you on Friday night?”

“Yeah, see you then.”

**ain't i the best you had?**

People kept telling me I’m confident, but they had no idea the walking sack of insecurities I was. I wondered what gave them that impression, maybe I was doing something right. Maybe I was doing better than most and didn’t realize it.

I talked to Mi-soo and she was fine with covering my shift for me, but didn’t seem keen on tagging along with us. I insisted, her friends insisted as well, but she wouldn’t come. I figured she had broken up with Jimin and didn’t want to make things weird, so I understood her decision. Neither of them talked to me about what happened, and soon my role became to stay out of it.

I met Jimin Friday night at a FamilyMart to buy an excessive amount of alcohol and meat for our trip, because according to Seokjin, there weren’t any convenience stores near the house. I made sure to get a few extra bottles of soju for Jungkook.

“So…” I began talking to Jimin, taking advantage of our alone time in the car on the way to Chuncheon, as nonchalantly as possible. “It’s a shame Mi-soo’s not coming.”

“I’m glad she’s not coming”, he combed his hair while paying attention to the road. “We broke up. It’d be weird if she came.”

That was as much as we were willing to talk about it. Fifteen minutes later, we arrived at Ae-ra’s house to pick her and Seoul-hee up, and off we went to the one hour and a half drive to the small town of Chuncheon. The scenery was beautiful, we went hard on singing along to Seo Taiji and Boys and watched Jimin struggle to reach out and pay for the toll, which got a good laugh out of us. We followed behind Seokjin’s car, taking Hoseok and Jungkook with him, and I honestly feared for their life, because Jin hyung was the most reckless driver I had ever seen. But looking at their silhouettes through the back of the car, they seemed to be having fun as well. Hoseok occasionally waved through the window and I retributed.

The hyung’s house was situated in the countryside, so there were lots of trees and huge mountains everywhere we looked through the horizon. The name of the city Chuncheon meant _‘spring river’,_ as it was bathed by many rivers, and the house stood right beside one of them, just a few steps and we’d be swimming in it. There was also a second house on top of the river, good for fishing, with two boats floating next to it. As we left the car, stretching our legs out and enjoying the scenery, I saw Jungkook for the first time that night. He was showing off a brand new haircut, with his bangs cut shorter and with my yellow coat on, sipping a traditionally American drink from McDonald’s, sporting my clothes around confidently like a trophy, a secret we both shared. No one in that place would know or understand it, and yet he paraded it around proudly just for me to see. We briefly exchanged eye contact and I waved, pointing at his hair with a thumbs up to let him know that I liked it, he waved back in a sort of peace sign that held a lot of attitude to it. I also said hello to the other guys from the second car that I hadn’t seen yet as well.

The place earned a few compliments to which Seokjin gladly took, and invited us for a tour. We followed him towards the house over the river, built entirely out of wood. “Girls, there are two rooms here if you want to stay in this house. Don’t worry about the cold, the beds have heat pads”, he explained as he introduced us to the rooms. “To anyone who wants to fish, the equipment is over here”, he pointed to a cabinet. “Although I never caught a single fish in my life, I will not stop trying.”

I laughed at the hyung and subtly stood next to Jungkook so we could walk together, to which he responded by looking at me briefly and pretending to diverge his attention somewhere else. Seokjin took us to the main house and explained where everything was, it seemed a lot bigger from the outside. The decoration was similar to Jungkook’s house, with different grey tones, of very good taste, but soulless.

“Okay, let’s figure out who’s gonna stay where”, Hoseok took the lead as he clapped his hands to call for attention.

“I’m fine staying at the lake house”, Ae-ra pointed out and Seoul agreed.

“So, there are only three rooms in the main house, I’m staying in my hyung’s room”, Seokjin explained as he pointed to the rooms upstairs.

“Can I stay with you?” Hoseok directed his question towards Seokjin, to which he answered with a shrug. “The view there is amazing”, he told us almost like he was explaining why he’d ask to stay with hyung.

There were two rooms left between me, Jimin and Jungkook. As much as I’d love to stay with Jungkook, I couldn’t find a rational reason why to stay with him, and not my best friend, other than _‘we are fucking’_. So I took the lead to avoid any uncomfortable situations.

“I can stay with Jimin anywhere”, I pointed at him, but he seemed oddly surprised. Jungkook bit the skin of his chapped lip, but showed no expression.

“Omo, Jungkookie is staying all alone?” Seoul commented with her hand on her chest and a huge flirtatious smile. She made no efforts in trying to hide that she would pay him a visit if he wanted to.

“He’ll be fine”, I scoffed while we all moved around to get our luggage in the house.

The room I was staying with Jimin was directly across from Jungkook, by the end of the hall there was a bathroom and Seokjin hyung’s main suite. The hallways were made out of glass in a way that you can’t see what’s going on from the outside, but you can see everything from the inside - the beautiful grass, the mountains, the river disappearing behind the trees, even the lake house. There was a tent set up outside with a large table, good enough to fit us all for a good meal.

I found Jungkook giving a headstart on the dinner while everyone else was doing their thing, fixing up some clothes, taking a shower, and putting the food we brought into the fridge. Everyone seemed busy with something, so we weren’t exactly interacting as a group. He had changed into black baggy pants and a loose long-sleeved plaid shirt, which gave him a younger look combined with his freshly cut locks that looked a bit crazy as they were still getting used to the new length. His incredibly muscular body hidden under those oversized clothes made it seem as though he hadn’t grown into them, and yet he was making us all dinner. 

“Do you need any help?” I offered once I finished putting my stuff in the room.

“Sure”, he said, focused on chopping the chive. “Do you think they’ll like japchae?”

It was cute how he worried if people would like what he was making, and knowing that no one was around, I let a smile go. “Yes, _Jungkookie_ ”, I answered in a high pitched voice to mock Seoul-hee.

“Um, stop?” He widened his big eyes and looked around, then looked back at the chopped vegetables. “ _Mr. I’ll stay with Jimin anywhere_ ”, he mumbled with a huge pout on his lips.

I laughed at his teasing, letting my head fall back and automatically slapped his arm, not taking his jealousy seriously. He knew better than I did that we couldn't sleep together. Jimin appeared from the bottom of the stairs soon after, wearing a pure white shirt that made his skin tone and hair color pop. Brushing through his damp locks, freshly out of the shower, he went straight to the fridge to get himself a glass of water. “D’ya guys need any help?” He offered, not seeming eager to do so.

“I’m making japchae”, Jungkook didn’t actually answer Jimin’s question and I wondered if he noticed it. Jimin definitely did.

“We’re fine, thank you”, I told him even though I wasn’t actually helping, just hovering over Jungkook curiously.

Jimin subtly rolled his eyes and opened the glass door behind him to go outside, where people were slowly gathering under the tent. He might have heard Jungkook mocking me, and that probably made him mad, but I planned on dealing with that later. At that moment, the planets aligned as I watched Jungkook’s skilled manly fingers chop the crunchy vegetables, while also having the hem of his sleeves rolled up and letting a few of his well-protected tattoos peak through.

“Hey”, I gently sat on the sink while he did whatever he had to do on the balcony. “Why don’t you wear t-shirts?”

Jungkook, focused on the food before him, didn’t seem to hear me at first. He turned around to work on the stove by my side, next to the sink. “I don’t like my arms.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, but he continued to be extremely focused on the food, as though he wasn’t present in that conversation. “What?”

“I don’t like my entire body”, he bit his lip as his googly eyes followed his every movement to work on the japchae. He seemed uncomfortable, but willing to talk about it, so I tried to encourage him.

“You don’t see what I see”, I tilted my head like a curious puppy. I had been over, under and inside of him, and I could tell for sure that there wasn’t a single line in his sculpted body that wasn’t godly. So I was genuinely confused.

“I really, _really_ don’t”, he licked his lips and pulled up one of his sleeves, revealing me his porcelain tattoo-less skin under it. “These things- these veins. They are abnormal to me”, there were indeed many veins popping out, but they were far from being anything but beautiful, so I did not understand. He quickly rolled them down again, before anyone walked in and saw them accidentally. “S’why I have tattoos.”

My head fought the urge my hands had to touch him, his veins, his hair, his entire body. “You have tattoos to cover your veins?”

“They make me feel better about myself, so yes”, Jungkook bit the skin off his lower lip. “It’s a condition, hyung”, he paused whatever he was doing, lowered the temperature on the stove, looked around to check if anyone else was eavesdropping on our conversation and then finally looked at me. “It’s called body dysmorphia. I developed it in my teens, among other things.”

“I’ve never heard of it”, I commented truthfully and was surprised at how he was becoming more comfortable with opening up to me as days went by. “Does this mean your veins make you ill?”

Jungkook crossed his arms and let out a humorous chuckle with my question. “It’s not a physical condition, it’s mental. It just means that I see my body differently from what it truly is. I spent most of my teenage years in front of a mirror, picking on specific things. It always changes and evolves into different features, but I’ve been on treatment ever since- you know.”

“Is that why you... Attempted?”

“There isn’t just one reason why someone attempts suicide”, he crossed his arms as he rested his lower back on the counter. “But it played a huge part, yes.”

I thought about him saying that he’s better now, but I couldn’t help but feel a bitter taste in my mouth at the thought of a world without him. “Thank you for sharing it with me, Kookie.”

“ _Aigo_ ”, he smiled shyly. “Kookie?” He looked down.

Before I could answer anything, the two hyungs entered the kitchen chanting that they wanted beer, and beer they shall have. They stole a glimpse from Jungkook’s dinner and seemed eager to eat it, Hoseok rubbing his tummy excitedly with a huge smile on his face. The both of them seemed really happy about the trip, I was too.

“I brought my video camera so we can watch this in twenty years and be depressed about how good we looked”, Seokjin hyung said as he handed me a beer.

“Really?” The excitement level in my voice raised a hundred percent. “I brought my photo camera, I’ve got two rolls I was saving for a special occasion.”

The dinner was ready briefly after we got our cameras and showed them around. I taught them how to use it so they could snap photos as well, and Seokjin did the same to us. My father had bought this camera in Japan in 1971, the year I was born, and then proceeded to never use it because no occasion was special enough for it.

“Let’s go, Jimin’s been alone with the girls for far too long”, Hoseok rushed us. “He’ll steal both of them if we don’t keep an eye on him.”

“What?” I chuckled, but both of them left without answering. Jimin had a reputation when it came to girls, I suppose.

The dinner was ready shortly after, a big pan of japchae, some kimchi we brought from the grocery store, rice and some meat the girls were grilling outside. We thanked Jungkook for the food and took a seat around the long table beneath the tent. The air was cold by the river, but the temperature that night was a little higher than what we had been getting that month, and the scalding hot japchae helped keep us warm. I took a mouthful of the glass noodles and savored Jungkook’s cooking, which tasted just as good as it smelled. Jungkook was similar to an onion, made out of several layers of which I was eager to unravel.

“Wow, Jungkookie, this is good! Your girlfriend is really lucky”, Seoul-hee commented, sitting next to Jungkook, who was preoccupied with swinging a soju bottle before opening it. I knew exactly what she was doing, planting that seed without making it too obvious. 

“What?” He skilfully jammed the tip of the bottle in between his two fingers. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

After many drinks in, the temperature dropped significantly until we couldn’t stay outside anymore. The girls decided to go to their rooms and I tried my best to hide the excitement on my face, for that girl Seoul-hee would not leave Jungkook alone. She was talking to him the entire night, and he was pouring her drinks until he decided to be her knight* in a drinking game. I was experiencing jealousy for the first time, and it was ugly. I was conscious that I shouldn’t hate that girl, she had done nothing wrong, and yet I couldn’t stop myself.

Most of us did the same as them, but Jimin and Hoseok stayed back to wash the dishes and I prepared myself for bed, sharing the bathroom with Jungkook and Seokjin to brush our teeth. After Jungkook was done, he playfully wiped his hands on the hyung’s clean shirt, to which he responded with a wine that could’ve been heard from the girl’s house.

“The disrespect!” He said with a mouthful of foam and Jungkook left the room laughing.

I lied on the bed Jimin and I were sharing with a book in my hand so that I wouldn't fall asleep, and with the dim lights, I was reading the play A Streetcar Named Desire for the second time. I had forgotten about the ending, but I knew that it was sad and surprising, and halfway through my memory returned. Disappointed, I left the book by the bed stand when Jimin entered the room. I looked at the clock on the wall, it was a few minutes past midnight. "What took you so long?"

"I was talking to Hoseok hyung", he took his toothbrush and disappeared again.

Still a little drunk, I laid my head on the pillow and closed my eyes, still trying my best not to fall asleep. I was just resting my eyelids for a moment, and when I opened them again, it was two in the morning and Jimin was sleeping by my side. I jumped out of the bed and left the room as silently as possible, the corridors were dark, cold and quiet; I could hear the insects outside in the moist shiny grass. Everybody was sound asleep when I opened Jungkook's door.

His body was resting on its side with the thin silky sheets complimenting his silhouette in the moonlit room. The beautiful scenery could be seen through the glass wall opposite to the door, and the insects made a perfect soundtrack with the faint sound of Jungkook’s rhythmic breathing. I sat carefully by his side, watched his chest move peacefully and his beautiful freshly cut dark locks cascade on the pillow. I couldn’t see his face, but I imagined he had slept looking at the moon. My fingertips traveled slowly from his shoulders to his elbows, going up and down his muscular skin covered by cotton pajamas. I wished he saw himself through my eyes, I wished he knew how beautiful he was. I wished his eyes were a little kinder to himself, like they were to me.

I carefully laid down next to him in that tiny bed, not nearly big enough for both of us, and accidentally woke him up. Confused, he raised his head to look at who was cuddling him, and I slipped my arm under his neck and reassured him that everything was okay, it was just me. I saw him smile with the corner of his mouth and relax his body with my embrace. Nestling under the sheets with him and my nose on the nape of his neck, I inhaled deeply that intoxicating smell of his, the lack of cologne that night making his sweet skin more apparent. “Jungkook”, I whispered behind his ear, my voice deeper than usual. “I’m here for you, okay?”

“Hm?” He lazily questioned with his eyes closed and I wasn’t sure if he was awake. With his pretty neck exposed to me, I placed a few wet pecks over his milky skin, and felt his shoulders shiver with the hair on the nape of his neck hedging with my touch. I held him tighter, and with my other hand, I touched his slim waistline to bring his body closer to mine. Half-awake, his breathing mismatched once my tongue trailed up his neck and to the back of his ear. He tasted just as good as he smelled, so I took my time savoring that man as I deified him with my tongue. My act of worship came from the mouth, and under the cold moonlight, his might was to turn it into a fiery night with a few short breaths. It was I who touched him, but feeling and hearing his reactions, my balls ached with the absence of his attention.

Jungkook’s hips flung back against my erection, and mine did just the opposite, rubbing myself against his sinewy body as I held his waist pinning him in place. Feeling my feet tingle with the sudden wave of pleasure, I held no thoughts back. “Jungkook-ssi, I could come right now. You’re so stunning, I could cum without you even touching me.”

He exhaled deeply. “Prove it.”

I was taken aback by his daring request, but not for long. I quickly tightened my arms around him and began to thrust, feeling the friction of layers of fabric between us, leaking at the thought of him there at my mercy. My hardness lodged in between his buttcheeks and with that hold, I massaged myself against him as hard as I could and held nothing back, no breath, no word unsaid. “Grind on me, baby. Come on”, I whispered behind his ear before locking his earlobe in between my teeth.

Jungkook breathed out in a soft moan, contained so he wouldn’t make too much noise, hips quickly responding with slow movements up and down my shaft, and my hand serpentined under his loose pants. He was wearing no underwear, his wetness dampening the fabric and the palm of my hand as I mercilessly rubbed his tip. Jungkook couldn’t contain a groan, so with my free hand under his neck, I stuck my thumb on his mouth, to which he sucked with a thirst for tasting me.

Grinding and masturbating him with quick flicks of my wrist, his girth wetting my hands and his mouth vibrating on my thumb from holding back his moaning, I felt my muscles tighten with an intense wave of pleasure that came from the tip of my penis and took over my entire body and mind. “Shit, I’m coming”, I cursed under my breath as I released myself in my underwear, spasms taking over my thighs as the sweet scent of his sweaty skin took over my body and relaxed me.

“Don’t stop”, his hands impatiently held mine and made me masturbate him again. I hadn’t noticed I had stopped amidst my orgasm, so I gave him everything I had, biting on the curve between his neck and shoulder and slowly releasing the skin. He shivered under me as my wrist skilfully bobbed, focused on the tip of his penis. With his arse messily grinding against me and body shaking, he threw his hand back to first my hair and pulled on it as he let his warm liquids coat the back of my hand. Slowly, he relaxed under me again, with light spasms taking over his legs, and I did the same, holding him fondly and being careful not to drip anything on the sheets.

“ _Told ‘ya_ ”, I gave him a loud peck on the cheek and got up from the bed.

“Where are you going?” He turned around, a worried husky voice filling the room.

“Wash my hands”, I whispered.

“Okay. Come back after”, Jungkook’s longing request was sincere, and I was glad he could barely see me, because I flashed the stupidest smile. 

I woke up in a jump with the sound of the bathroom door shutting down the hall. The once dark gloomy room was now bright with the morning sun, with my eyes stinging from the whiteness of the room, it took me a few seconds to situate myself. My body felt heavier as I tried to move it, my head felt numb, everything was uncomfortable. It was Jungkook’s arms and legs on top of me, cuddling me and trapping me as though he was afraid I would run away. 

“ _Shibal_ ”, I cursed under my breath. I had to leave before people wake up and notice I was not in my designated room, and then I’d have a hard time trying to explain it. Wiggling my way out of Jungkook’s bear-like embrace, he continued to sleep as I placed a peck over the round tip of his nose. I glued my ear to the door to see if anyone was walking around, and there was nothing but silence in the hallway, so I quickly and silently made the transition to my room on the tip of my toes. I breathed out in relief once I realized it was a success, and it was still early in the morning, so Jimin was also sound asleep. 

His soft features seemed peaceful, complimented by his pitch-black locks and incredibly plump lips, reddish cheeks and nose, as though he had been crying. Everything in that house was incredibly white, everything stood out, everyone looked so pure when tangled on those sheets. Seeing Jimin’s expression like this, I noticed how often he had been wearing a scowl lately. Wondering what he had talked about with Hoseok hyung that night, I knew he needed a shoulder to cry on like the other day, for he seemed to be holding things in, and eventually he would explode again. I wanted to tell him that I am here, but couldn’t help but feel that it was worthless, so I opted on showing him affection and let him know that he can count on me through it. 

My body quietly slid under the sheets so I wouldn’t wake him up. I swung my arm over him and hopefully, he would feel better waking up with a hug.

“What are you doing?” Jimin’s voice, usually sweet, was then husky and brutal from the long night of sleep. “What are you doing?” He asked again, this time holding my wrist and swinging my arm away from him. “You spent the whole night having sex with Jungkook and now you come here and hug me? That’s disgusting.”

I was taken aback by his actions and his cruel words, so I couldn’t think of anything to reply. I was shocked. I thought our friendship wouldn’t change after I told him I like Jungkook, and for a while, it seemed like it didn’t, but now I can’t hold him - because it’s _disgusting_. I couldn’t gather the strength to say anything back, but this felt like the cruelest aggression coming from someone I loved so dearly. I was a fool to think that Jimin would love and accept me for who I am.

There were a lot of things that I could take. Jungkook could treat me like less for days and I wouldn’t shed a tear. But this- this was too much. I looked at Jimin’s tiny back as tears rolled down my cheeks and dampened those immaculate sheets, knowing damn well he could hear me. Jimin’s tiny hand held my heart and milled it with his first, that sort of pain and disappointment and self-hatred possessing my entire body - all of which he didn’t care. He wouldn’t spare me a look while hearing me cry.

I yanked myself out of bed and out of that room, urging for some time alone. A hard place to find, between those two houses, every room was full. I ended up finding what I wanted on the deck by the river. I didn’t know what I was looking for when I sat on the dark wood, letting my legs hang and hover the water, but the place brought me comfort as I cried quietly and enjoyed the scenery.

I thought I’d never have to deal with this. A few words from Jimin were enough to remind me, to rip me out of the brief dream I was living in, and I couldn’t blame him for it. It wasn’t his fault, it was I who trusted him, and it was I who thought that our connection was stronger than prejudice. I completely, utterly, irrevocably loathe myself.

**the truth untold**

It felt so good to sit by the river and feel what I had to feel until I comprehended it. At some point, I calmed down and accepted that I would have to find the strength within me to forgive Jimin, for he was only a victim just as much as me. Something told me that this wasn’t about me, he wasn’t that kind of person and he’d never hurt me on purpose. I knew my best friend, and I knew he was going through his own things and he felt so strongly about it, he took it out on me. As long as he didn’t really think that I was disgusting, everything would be fine. That’s what I chose to believe in order to keep my mind from falling apart.

I heard the women chatting and giggling on the inside of the house, which brought a sense of peace alongside the scenery and the moving water beneath my feet. No matter how hurt I felt, the water wouldn’t stop running, the women wouldn’t stop laughing. As the morning breeze grazed my skin, I took a deep breath and inhaled the scent of that sweet water that carried too much power within it, and made a wishful thinking to not be me. I wished I was a bright red carp running through the water with only one thing on my mind: eating and mating. There would be no love, there would be no loss, there would be no deception.

The women left the house to fix themselves something to eat and they didn’t notice my presence, focusing on their path towards the main house. It was close to noon, I knew everybody would be up by then, and I had a big problem on my hands: I wanted to leave. I no longer wanted to take part in that adventure I thought was inviting for tightening bonds, but it proved to be the exact opposite.

I couldn’t leave, though. There were only two cars and the town was so small it would be hard to find a bus stop that had a destination to Seoul on my own. So I just had to endure it for two days or until Jimin decided to apologize. The thing was, I can’t hide anything. If there is something that isn’t pleasing me, my expression will tell you. My scowl was as though it had a life of its own, reinforcing the transparent side of my personality. I was honest and proud to be that way, but at times I just wished I could pretend everything was fine.

“Taehyung-ah, you okay?” Hoseok was the first to mention it, although I knew Jungkook was staring for a while and didn’t have the guts to address it.

“I’m fine”, I chewed on the lunch that the girls prepared. “Just a headache, I think I’m gonna try to sleep it off”, I was quick to find something to blame on. 

After our meal, I did the dishes as fast as I could and went to the bedroom to get some rest, as I really hadn’t had enough hours of sleep. I heard people having fun outside. They were playing ping-pong and trying to fish, or maybe even trying to fly a kite. I hated myself for not being able to let everything go and have fun as well. I couldn’t sleep either, so I just lied there wide awake for hours.

At some point in the afternoon, the door was opened. I recognized it was Jimin by his curious footsteps, so I shut my eyes, not wanting to deal with him. His footsteps stopped and a moment of silence followed, I weirdly felt his gaze burning over me. Our breathing was suddenly the only sound in the room, with that one moment of me pretending to sleep seeming endless. His footsteps echoed a second time, walking out of there more urgent than when they came in. _I hate him._

As the afternoon slowly paced, I gathered the courage to take a shower and put on presentable clothes to socialize, putting on a snapback to mask the fact that I didn’t wash my hair. A small part of me hoped that Jungkook would come and check on me, but he didn’t. I understood what he had to do, and the precautions he felt like he had to take, but I also didn’t understand when Hoseok stopped by and gave me cold medicine and no one thought he was gay for it. You’d think that it’s what you do for someone you love, whether it be romantically or not. But he didn’t.

I walked down the stairs with a pair of maroon toned shorts and yellow long sleeves. The sound of my slippers against the hard surface echoed through the karaoke music, and with each step further down, louder the music became. With every single eye in the room piercing my skin, my cheeks burned and the uneasiness of being in a place where I didn’t want to be took over my body.

And suddenly, their serious faces smiled at me. “Taehyung-ah, are you feeling better?” Seokjin hyung asked me through the microphone. I scratched the back of my arm and nodded, with a shy smile creeping up as a reaction to them seeming so worried and so happy to see me. “Come sing a song!”

“Aish, no no”, I complained, trying to brush it off, but he insisted. Jimin and Jungkook were nowhere to be seen, so I sat next to my hyungs, taking the microphone and selecting a song in an innocent attempt to have fun.

And I did. I genuinely did. The hyungs and the girls cheered for me and seemed honest when they complimented my voice, which was a good reassurance that I sought. At some point, we decided to have some drinks outside by the fireplace, where Jimin and Jungkook played ball, and as the alcohol-filled everybody’s bloodstreams, the couples in the room began to form. The Seoul-hee girl took the hint that Jungkook wasn’t interested and began to have drunken conversations with Hoseok hyung. Slowly, I was left out of the conversation with Jungkook and Jimin, who were never included in the first place. I did not want to socialize with any of them, so I excused myself to the bedroom.

“Taehyung-ah”, Jimin’s voice called for me. I stopped on my way and took a moment until I looked back at him, and my scowl must’ve been dreadful, for the frightened look on his and Jungkook’s face at the sight of me was immediate. I turned back around and continued my path towards the house, with long steady strolls.

I was stopped by Jimin’s cold chubby fingers holding my wrist and calling my name one more time. I looked down as though I could cut his hand off if he didn’t let go, to which he abided respectfully. I continued walking a second time, doing my best to keep my mind in a good place. I wanted to forgive him, I wanted to understand his pain, but there was nothing I could do - there was anger in me. I walked the entire way towards our room with him behind me, not speaking a word. “Now you suddenly want to touch me? ‘Thought I was disgusting”, I gritted my teeth once we were inside.

Truth is, this entire time I was barely holding it together. If I let go for one second I would burst into tears. “I just… It’s just that- I’m-”, Jimin followed me into the room, muttering senseless apologies, incapable of looking me in the eyes while doing so. 

I hovered over his body with my eyebrows furrowed. “ _What?_ What the fuck are you trying to say, Jimin?” My deep, loud voice filled the room as the feeling of having the core of my body burning hot and unsettled took over me. It simply diminished when I noticed I made him shrink his entire body against the wall, as though he was a helpless cornered prey. I walked to the other side of the room as I took a deep breath to control my anger. “You were the only person I could tell this to, and I trusted you with my life”, my voice failed with my honest words. I looked away as I felt the bridge of my nose burn with the tears that I could no longer hold back.

Jimin remained against the wall, cornered, even though there was no one there to corner him. There was a lot of pain in his expression, and suddenly, he was crying with me. “I’m sorry Taehyung-ah”, he took his small hands to his equally small face, and with a whine, he dragged his body down the wall until he was crouched on the floor. Jimin was engulfed in the pure whiteness of the room, seeming so small and so fragile. I walked towards him and crouched to hold him, forgetting I was ever angry.

“It’s okay, it’s fine”, I reassured him as my hand caressed his back, but he only cried harder. “I know you didn’t mean it.”

“But the thing is… I did mean it”, he wept as his tiny arms held me back on the floor. “I have to tell you, Taehyung- I’m so sorry, but I’m a monster.”

“You’re not a monster, don’t be stupid”, _there he was with this monster talk again_ , I thought. So I caressed his head resting on my chest.

Jimin swallowed for a moment, his breathing seeming steadier than before. “But I am. I have hurt you, I have hurt Mi-soo and many others. I can’t take this anymore, I thought I could, but it’s too much for me”, he took a long breath and sat on the floor, resting his back on the wall. His eyes were swollen and red from crying too hard, and tears were still falling slowly while he recomposed himself. I sat close to him, facing him, but he only looked away. His words worried me deeply, but I didn’t know what to do or say. I was afraid of what was going on inside his head. I couldn’t lose him. I wouldn’t let him leave me.

“Jimin, are you thinking about-?” I started, too scared to even finish that sentence. “What are you saying?”

“It’s lonely. It’s always been lonely”, his husky voice quietly said and the more he expressed himself, the more I worried. To see him in that dark place again made me cry with him, slow quiet tears wetting our clothes. My gaze did not leave him, but it was like he didn’t have the courage to reciprocate. “But I had you, Taehyung-ah”, he finally looked at me, and my crying got a little more desperate. The thought of a world without Jimin was inconceivable. “I thought I could take it, because I had you. Things changed so fast, I’m not sure when it happened, but suddenly I don’t have you anymore. I’m showing you this ruined part of myself asking nothing in return”, his words were confusing me, but I held his hand on both of mine as tight as I could.

“You have me forever, Jimin, I’m with you”, I kissed the back of his hand, a few tears wetting his pale white skin.

“I wanted to be the Jimin that you know forever, but I can’t anymore. I’m hurt, Taehyung-ah”, he continued, but the more he explained, the less I understood.

“What are you talking about?” My voice cracked in fear of what he was insinuating.

“I’m saying that-”, he inhaled deeply. “I love you, Taehyung. I’m saying that I love you”, his lips pouted as he muttered those words. I could barely make sense of him and I was sure I didn’t hear it right. 

“What?” I blinked. I couldn’t breathe. I really couldn’t breathe.

“I love you, Taehyung”, Jimin continued, and I suddenly felt adrift in that conversation. I was there, listening to what he had to say, because I knew that’s what he needed from me, but my entire motor function ceased to exist. “I know that you don’t love me back, and I was fine with it, because you are my best friend and I get to have you by my side. But suddenly you’re not with me anymore. Suddenly, yo sleeu show up with hickeys, he shows up wearing your clothes and it fucking kills me every time. I’m not saying this expecting anything from you. I just can’t pretend that I’m fine anymore.”

Jimin continued to not look at me, but our hands were still tightly intertwined. Somehow, it all made sense. His tiny hands caressing my hair every morning, his drunken body ending up at my doorstep, the jealousy, the treating me like shit when I arrive with somebody else. It clicked. “Jimin”, I said without having any idea what to say next. I just thought I needed to say something before it was too late.

“I often wonder if everything would be different if I had the courage to say it back then”, he played with the hem of his shirt, as though he hadn’t heard me. His voice seemed calmer, we were no longer crying. I was shocked, he was relieved. “You know, when we met.”

“So-”, I interrupted myself, trying to come up with a sentence that made sense. “All of that happened because you liked me, not Ye-ji?”

“Took me forever to realize it, but yes.”

A moment of silence followed as I took everything in, finally resting my back against the bed behind me, scratching my head. It was like those years of my life had been a lie, so I had to rewatch everything knowing the truth. Every stupid argument, every punch, every tear wasn’t because of Ye-ji.

“Ye-ji?” I said as soon as I remembered, she was supposed to arrive soon.

“I don’t want things to be weird between us when she gets here, let’s just enjoy our time together like we used to, please.”

I scratched my head another time. “Jimin, what do you want to do from now on?”

He bit his plump lips, looking down at our hands. I caressed his skin with my thumb, reassuring him that I was there. “I will keep a safe distance from you and Jungkook.”

Me and Jungkook. I couldn’t imagine how hurtful it must’ve been to see me with him and swearing my love for him. “I’m sorry.”

**shakespeare’s cupid**

We danced on those impeccable sheets in that starry night, just like every other night we shared a bed. I had Jimin in my arms, with his thick hair scratching my nose, but I wouldn't dare to move. Our legs tangled with the silky fabric, as they usually would, but not anymore. Those people lying there were no longer the same, nothing about it felt usual. I knew the weight of the tip of my fingers and how much it could hurt him. I was frightened, for I did not know what to do. Something told me that I shouldn't hold him so I wouldn't give him false hopes, but my gut told me that I would be an idiot if I changed around him. Drowning in uncertainty, conscious of every movement, I delved into his known touch and engulfed him with the loving I could give him. It was all that I could give him. I cursed at Cupid’s cruelty for doing that to us, a blind sadist who had nothing but its wings and crooked arrows, the reckless God of desire. 

"Jimin-ssi", my husky voice called his name into the night, knowing that he was awake. He hummed in response. "Do you ever think about hurting yourself?" I finally asked in an attempt to ease my mind.

I had no idea if that was the right way to address it, but I needed to know so I could sleep at night. He turned his head back to look at me, and upon giving it a thought, he lied on his back and stared at the ceiling. "I don't know."

Tears in my eyes were an immediate reflex. They soon landed on the pillow with a quick, delicate, but deafening sound in the dead silence of that room. "Jimin-ah", my voice trembled. "If you die, I die with you. Do you understand?"

Jimin's shy tears made a thin path on his temples and landed on his hair. He didn't answer me, but he showed me the message was understood by nestling, or hiding, his face on my chest. He felt different, his sweet smell had a stronger scent to it and his hair, intertwined with my fingertips as I caressed the top of his head beneath me, felt softer. I knew everything and nothing about him. Was I being dishonest with him and everyone around me? Why did feeling his hummingbird heartbeat against my ribcage make me feel guilty? There was no answer and there wasn't the right thing to do. I would learn how to walk as I discovered that path.

The first thing I felt the next morning was my throat aching as I swallowed saliva. I blamed no one but myself, who pretended to be sick, and now was actually sick because I was drinking soju and wearing shorts outside and didn’t notice how cold the temperature was. I moaned in disapproval as I remembered everything that happened the day before and felt my body scream, with an aching throat and an involuntary, embarrassing erection. This would’ve passed by unnoticed if I was still ignorant of the present situation, but now my body had to carefully leave the bed so Jimin wouldn’t wake up to something like this.

I went straight to the shower, seeing the midday sunshine through the glass hallway of the house and voices fervently chatting downstairs. I was happy that someone was having fun, one of them I recognized as my boyfriend’s voice, who was probably the one making lunch. I thought about him in the shower, his fresh scent, and his soft hair under my touch, the way he moaned ever so slowly, the vivid bittersweet taste of him in my mouth was so flawless, and yet my mind mercilessly took me to Jimin’s soft skin and his salty tears framing his cheeks. I groaned, trying to get myself mentally out of there, but he was the most recent pressing subject in my life. I stopped, cleared my head for a few seconds, and returned with images of Jungkook that was enough to make me release myself in just a few minutes. As I groomed myself for the day to come, I realized I missed him. We hadn’t spoken for more than a day, even though we were sharing the same house for the weekend. 

“Morning”, Jimin said and walked in the bathroom, scratching his neck while I towel dried my hair. I looked at his swollen morning face expecting some sort of indication that he was embarrassed about the night before, but he didn’t look at me and went straight to the toilet to pee. I immediately looked away and stared at my reflection in the mirror, curiously finding out how I looked when my cheeks turned red. I walked out of the bathroom knowing that I was more embarrassed about everything than he was.

I strolled down the stairs and spotted Seokjin and Jungkook cooking our lunch. Feeling the alcohol of the previous night poison my stomach, I said hello to them with what I figured wasn’t the most welcoming face. Seokjin seemed worried as soon as he laid eyes on me. “Taehyung-ah, are you okay?”

“I’m not feeling well, hyung”, I explained, not having to lie that time. “Do you have more of that cold medicine?” 

Jungkook, focused on whatever food he was cooking, didn’t look at me until Seokjin handed me a small bottle of medicine, to which I gulped down in just a few seconds. The maknae watched me do it with a serious look on his face, his arms crossed with a big wooden spoon in one of his hands. I tried to decipher what his eyes were telling me, but failed. And so he brought his attention back to the food.

“Where’s Jimin?” Seokjin wondered. “Is he feeling sick too?”

I was not given a chance to answer the hyung’s investigation as the maknae dropped the heavy wooden spoon on the floor, making a mess out of the sauce he was stirring. Shortly after, Jimin appeared freshened up at the bottom of the stairs, acknowledged everyone’s presence in the kitchen and promptly went outside, where Hoseok and the girls were, and away from me and Jungkook.

Although my stomach was betraying me, I did my best to eat the delicious bibimbap prepared specially for our last meal of the trip. The chefs received a lot of praise, including from me, and Seokjin gladly took them as he humorously took credit for everything. We sat outside by the river and enjoyed the afternoon sunlight in our beautiful, young complexion, chatting about everything and nothing and laughing at the hyung’s jokes. Ae-ra and Seoul-hee - who was a decent human when she wasn’t flirting with my boyfriend - were good girls who always joined the fun, I was sorry I didn’t spend some quality time with their smiley faces. It seemed as though we were having two entirely different trips, but I had fun when we were all together.

“J-Hope!” Jungkook sang across the table to Hoseok.

“J.K.!” He sang back, the first time I was witnessing that internal joke of theirs. I was surprised with the interaction and laughed, leaning over to Jungkook sitting by my side. He responded by subtly pushing me away with his arm, refusing the physical contact I unconsciously made with him.

Maybe his response was unconscious as well, but it did feel awful being refused. I knew for sure that he was often too careful about it, he went out of his way to protect his secret, when in reality, no one cares enough to notice this sort of thing and reach that conclusion. You have to _really_ be looking, like he was looking at me and Jimin when he asked if we were a couple.

I told myself not to feel hurt by something so small. People gathered their plates and went to their rooms to pack their bags and I couldn’t help but _only_ think about him refusing me as I did the dishes. I found myself cursing at Cupid one more time, cursing him for creating something so stupid like love. 

Looking through the glass window, I spotted Jungkook outside sitting in a camper chair quietly watching the sky turn purple with the sundown, slowly sipping on his drink from time to time. I cheered the girls singing on the karaoke and played the four notes I knew on the keyboard, trying to follow the song and failing miserably. After I got bored, I walked outside. I had been watching Jungkook try to light a fire for five minutes through the window, and once he finally did, I slowly walked towards him to sit on the vacant seat in front of him.

“Hi. Where’s Jimin?” I asked nonchalantly, worried about his whereabouts.

Jungkook shrugged without giving me a verbal answer. I anxiously picked on the skin of my finger as the silence between us turned the air heavier by the second. When he finally opened his mouth, there was no concern in his voice. “How did you and Jimin sleep last night?”

I turned my head to him, confused as to what his tone or this question meant altogether. “We slept fine…” My voice lingered.

Jungkook cleared his throat as he prompted his body back up. “I have to pack.”

I slowly shut my eyes and let my body sink in the chair. Yet again refused, I was frustrated with the way he was acting. Shakespeare once described people who were in love not as individuals who saw with their eyes, but with their minds. I always admired him for saying such poetic things about love, however, as I delved deeper into that sacred feeling, I became more certain that it was nothing but words, as all poems are, and they did not reflect reality. If I were to see with my mind, why would I still love someone whose touch, or lack of it, was enough to break my bones?

I found myself hesitant by his doorstep. I felt a familiar feeling on the pit of my stomach when I slowly knocked on his door and opened it carefully. “Jungkook-ssi?” I didn’t wait for him to open.

“Yes?” He answered, seeming too busy pacing around and folding his clothes to look at me, but at least he didn’t sound angry.

I carefully tiptoed my way in, like he was a cat I didn’t mean to scare, and with slow movements, I closed the door behind me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m good. You?” Jungkook fixed his hair and sat on the bed, breathless from moving around so much. His baggy clothes hid his figure as usual, but in the intimacy of his temporary room, the now short-haired maknae rolled his sleeves up.

“I’m feeling better”, I answered, disappointed that this is all he mentioned of my well-being. With my arms crossed over my chest protectively, I analyzed him, expecting a few answers as to why he was acting that way, ignoring my presence in every situation, not checking if I was fine the entire trip when he seemed so different the night we got there. Instead of being transparent and acting like he was properly mad, his voice was sweet to me while giving me half-answers. As though this was his normal self, he didn’t spare me a glance. 

“What?” He questioned my presence in his room and finally looked at me.

“Are you mad at me or something? Why are you acting like that?”

“How am I acting?” Jungkook tilted his head to the side, his sweet voice still present when questioning me. He either wasn’t a good actor or was doing it on purpose out of spite. No matter what, it was childish. My scowl grew wider and my unhappiness became more apparent. If he wasn’t willing to recognize he was acting differently, it meant he wasn’t open for a discussion, so I made my way to Jimin’s room to pack my bags and finally leave this Hell.

What I feared was the possibility of him really thinking that nothing was wrong, because it would mean that this is how he normally acts when surrounded by other people. Considering previous experiences, I knew this was a far too real possibility. All that I was left with was wondering why.

“Taehyung-ah”, Jimin’s fragile voice called me as soon as I entered. My stomach turned inside out as I anticipated something bad was going to happen. “The girls want to come back with Hoseok and Jin hyung. Jungkook needs to come with us”, the poor boy seemed desperate.

I took a deep breath as I held the bridge of my nose, my head began to sting. “Aigo”, I complained. “It’s fine, we won’t have much to talk about.”

It was true. The three of us were so incredibly uncomfortable that none had the guts to say anything to fill the silence. None of us dared to turn on the radio, for it would feel just as weird. I sat next to Jimin and Jungkook sat quietly in the back, sometimes shifting positions and uncomfortably clearing his throat. After an hour’s drive, Jimin strangely decided to open his mouth to distill venom; for I knew he only did it because Jungkook was listening.

“When is Ye-ji arriving?” His tiny eyes focused on the road. My eyelids slowly shut at the mention of her name.

“Friday morning.”

“Are we picking her up?” Jimin briefly looked at me.

“No.”

“Okay, let’s do something Friday night, then”, Jimin’s voice lingered.

“Let’s”, I answered without any enthusiasm to finish that conversation.


	5. In the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taehyung, Jimin and Ye-ji finally reunite. It's not exactly how they expected.

**in the night**

****

Three syllables. The lips pouted through all of them. The tip of the tongue touches the back of your front teeth at the end of the first one. For the second, the throat narrows and then finally releases through a guttural sound for the third syllable.  _ Jeon Jung-kook. _

His name on my lips was everything I had for days, and I was okay with it. His name was all I ever wanted before I had him on my lips, when he was just a guy Jimin was friends with. Before I knew every corner of his body and before I could remember his tattoo designs by heart -- it was knowing his name that I wanted. Jeon Jungkook was a stranger.

I didn’t mind that he didn’t call me after I stormed out of his room and we left with awkward goodbyes in front of Jimin. Knowing as much as I knew of him, I wasn’t surprised that he acted like this. And yet, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly disappointed by the way he treated me and how he didn’t care to amend things later, knowing for a fact that I was upset.

On Friday night, I was surprised to see Jungkook waiting for me outside the bookshop. I was excited that Ye-ji was finally coming back to South Korea after so many years without as much as hearing her voice, so nothing could ruin my mood that evening. I greeted him with the enthusiasm he deserved; none at all.

“Annyeong. Want a ride?” He said to me and noona, greeting us with a toothless smile. Jungkook wore all black with a tight leather jacket that showed just how muscular his arms were.

“Aigo, such a good  _ dongsaeng  _ we have”, she gave Jungkook a pat on his shoulder, reinforcing her position as his noona. “But thanks, I’ve got my bike.”

Mi-soo cheerfully hopped on her bike and said goodbye to us, leaving to follow her Friday night plans of going out with her friends. I tapped on his shoulder as she did before to politely refuse the offer. “I’ve got plans, sorry. Ye-ji is waiting for me in Itaewon.”

It felt weird to say that I was going to meet her, because for so long she wasn’t physically present in my life, so she seemed almost unreal for those years. No matter how long you’ve spent with a person, if we can’t see or touch them, they fade away from our memory after a long time - which is unfortunately what happened to her and  _ abeoji’s  _ images in my head, both of them left almost at the same time and now all I had were just faint memories. I was curious to see the person she became.

“I can take you there”, he opened the door of the shiny Bel-Air he was leaning against and made way for me to sit. Hesitantly, I took the offer.

As his tattooed hand turned the keys in the ignition, the radio turned on and a smooth guitar tune was playing. Jungkook drove off whispering the lyrics to that song in English, somehow bringing a peaceful mood to the interior of the car. I gave him directions to the bar we were meeting, to which he followed perfectly along the road. 

“You’re looking at me with that expression. Are you mad at me?” He finally asked.

“I’m not mad at you”, I looked beyond the windows, noticing the crease I had in between my brows that whole time. I admired the city lights, slowly sparkling as nighttime approached. “Just disappointed.”

“ _ Aigo _ ”, he complained about my cliche of an answer. “You told me to do nothing.”

I looked at him, his expressive eyes focused on the road. In the conversation we had in that same car I told him that when he didn’t know what to do, it would be best if he did nothing at all. Somehow I thought it would be better this way, but it wasn’t. “So this is how it’s going to be?”

He noticed the disappointment in my voice as the crease between his own eyebrows grew deeper. “Not always, no.”

I looked away, knowing for a fact that his answer wasn’t good enough for me. I held my breath as though it would be enough to hold onto the feelings I had for him. Staring at the palms of my hands resting on my lap and so pale from the lack of sunlight in the wintertime, I wished he would hold them and say everything would be okay.

“Look, we need to be patient with each other. Okay? I can’t give you what you want from me at all times”, he explained himself. I wished he wouldn’t. “What we’re doing could ruin our lives.”

I hated that tune. 

I hated being reminded that I was supposed to hide and be scared to live my life. I am not the one who’s wrong, so I didn’t understand why I had to kneel and submit myself to those full of hatred. I hated that those messages came not from strangers, but Jungkook. 

To my surprise, he did hold my hand. “There’s no place for people like us here, Taehyung. As long as we’re here, we need to play by the rules.”

I fought back the tears and bit the inner side of my cheeks as the deep feeling of shame took over me. “Am I supposed to live like this?” I asked myself, knowing deep down that he was right.

“I think we’re almost there, is that Jimin?” Jungkook pointed up. From the inside of the bar, Jimin’s bright smile shone through the night as his head fell back in laughter. I couldn’t see Ye-ji from the balcony at that angle. “Take your time”, Jungkook reassured me as he parked in front of the bar.

“I’m fine, Jungkook…”

“There’s a lot of hate in this world, I hope you never get to see it”, he connected our eyes. Jungkook looked around the streets of Itaewon, the busiest neighborhood in South Korea known for its big nightlife. That place specifically had bars and clubs as far as the eye could see, so the streets were filled with young people, alcohol and laughter.

Jungkook turned the light inside the car off. “Hmm?” I questioned him, but as an answer, he held my chin in between his tattooed fingers. The lights on the street were just enough for me to see his silhouette getting closer to me, and his soft lips crashed against mine, making every muscle on my body relax. I could physically feel the results of his rapturous kiss on my body, although it lasted only a few seconds. We didn’t move and yet it felt like there were fireworks shooting from my feet. Once Jungkook pulled away, I smiled.

“We find our loopholes”, he reassured me. He told me everything was going to be fine in the best possible way.

Jungkook turned the light back on, our faces still close to each other. I bit my lip at that addictive, dangerous feeling he brought me. “I’m sorry, I can’t invite you to stay. The three of us, we’re pretty close- and I guess they’re going to want some alone time”,  _ and Jimin would have a nervous breakdown if I showed up with you. _

“It’s alright, I understand”, his hand waved in the air to reassure me that it was just fine.

I prepared myself to say goodbye to him, but a brief knock on the window by my side caught me by surprise. I thought to myself that people saw us kissing and were now ready to beat us up, but when my head turned, I found Jimin and Ye-ji standing on the sidewalk.

“ _ Omo! Ye-ji! _ ” My heart jammed strongly against my chest at the sight of her, waving at me with that familiar smile that made her eyes disappear, the smile that could bring peace to the world hadn’t changed one bit.

“Oppa!” She called and I immediately opened the door and met with them with opened arms, and with the feeling of five years apart, I held Ye-ji’s slim body against mine. “Oppa, you’re so grown!”

I held her for a few long moments, feeling the sweet smell of her perfume mixed with her shampoo. It was different, but being in her presence brought me back five years ago. We broke our touch and I finally looked at her up close, with a smile and unmistakable eyes looking up at me. Ye-ji was slimmer, her hair was still black and shiny as before, but it cascaded graciously on her back and ended on her tiny waistline. The youthful short-haired girl I once met had turned into a woman right in front of my eyes. She wore a beautiful, long-sleeved black dress and half of her hair was tied up, revealing long golden earrings and the delicate features of her face. “You’re so grown”, I repeated her words.

“She came running down when I said you were sitting here in the car”, Jimin explained, his hands hiding inside the pockets of his jeans

“Who’s that?” Ye-ji raised her eyebrows at the person standing behind me, giving him a good look from head to toe.

“This is Jungkook, he’s our friend”, I introduced the two of them. “He goes to college with Jimin.”

“Oh nice, college friends”, she greeted Jungkook welcomingly. 

“Nice to meet you”, Jungkook offered her a bow. “These guys talk about you all the time, it’s nice to put a face to your name”, he smiled.

“Really? Is my name so sweet that you guys can’t get it out of your mouths?” She teased us. “Oh, tattoos? Wow, my country has really developed in just a few years.”

“Ye-ji”, I scolded her.

“What? I’m fine with it, we have those in Japan too”, she explained, making it clear that she didn’t mean it in a bad way.

“Do you? I’m surprised, Taehyung-ssi had never seen a tattoo before”, Jungkook commented, strangely talkative as his tattooed hand laid on my shoulder and lingered, taking me by surprise that he was initiating physical contact in public. Almost protectively, almost as though he was showing someone that I’m taken, his hand pressed on my maroon-toned clothes to mark his territory.

“Oppa needs to live a little”, she giggled and I wondered what living had to do with seeing tattoos.

“Oppa has seen it plenty of times now”, I made a slick comment to purposefully shift the target of that conversation. Jungkook cleared his throat and removed his hand from my shoulder. Jimin’s silence throughout that entire conversation did not go by unnoticed.

“What are we waiting for? Let’s go back inside, it’s freezing out here”, Ye-ji crossed her arms as she began walking.

“I just came to drop this one off”, he pointed at me. “But it was nice to know you, Ye-ji-ssi”, Jungkook bowed again, but she revealed her discontent before he could escape. Furrowing her eyebrows, her perfectly thick toned, stable voice resonated between the four of us.

“Why don’t you stay? It’ll make things more interesting”, the corners of her mouth raised in a deviant smile. “Be my guest tonight, won’t you?”

“Aigo”, Jungkook chuckled and looked away, clearly taken aback by Ye-ji’s little game. I found it incredibly amusing. “I’m having drinks with a few friends, so I have to drop the car at my place. I’ll page Taehyung later so we can meet for round two, okay?”

“Sure, we’ll be waiting”, she turned around and with her perfect posture, walked away from us. Jimin and I naturally followed her after briefly saying goodbye to Jungkook, and her catwalk led the way towards the balcony on the second floor. Ye-ji wore black boots with high heels that night, but it didn’t make her any higher than me. Jimin, on the other hand, was shoulder to shoulder with her.

The three of us sat on the table they were sitting at previously, with a great view of the street and the lively neighborhood. The temperature had risen in the last few days, so it was pleasant to sit in the open air. Noticing the drinks on the table, I could tell they drank a few beers before I got there. “What are we drinking?” I asked, sitting down between Ye-ji and Jimin.

“We started with beer, but now I’m feeling like rice saké”, Ye-ji finished the cup she left behind before coming to meet me downstairs and requested what she wished. For lack of a better suggestion, me and Jimin got the same drink. “Gentlemen”, she began once her desired drink was in her hand and raised it for a toast. “Are you ready to see the sunrise today?”

“Hell yeah!” Jimin raised his glass as well and toasted with her.

“I have to work tomorrow”, with a sad expression in my eyes, I complained, but joined the toast nonetheless.

We finished the drinks in our hands in just a few seconds, my nose wrinkled at the sudden strong taste of alcohol. Ye-ji, on the other hand, did not flinch. I wondered when she learned how to drink, the time she left she was only a teenager who hadn’t even finished high school. It was weird to see her like this, even though we broke the rules a few times to drink back in the day, the image of the girl she used to be was still in my head.

“Let me tell you, it feels so good to be back”, her ecstatic voice echoed. “Seeing my boys, eating my food, speaking my language.”

“Is everything different from when you left?” Jimin questioned her.

She looked outside the balcony. “I think who’s different the most is me. I didn’t get to see this side of Seoul before I left, so I’m figuring all of this out for the first time”, she referred to the night scene, the younger pouring the eldest more drinks with her right hand, as it should be. “You guys are different. Look at Taehyung-ah, he really filled in”, she pinched my cheeks. “That big head of his is gone now.”

“Aigo, Ye-ji-ya!” I complained, batting her hand away and rubbing the hurting cheek. “I’m a grown man.”

She laughed. “Tell me one thing you’ve done after I left that you hadn’t done before.”

“I’ve had sex”, Jimin said almost in a whisper at the other end of the small table. Our eyes turned to him, surprised with the revelation. He drank his saké peacefully with a straw, supporting his head with both of his hands with an innocent aura around him. “But I mean, that’s obvious.” 

“I wouldn’t say so”, I teased him with a serious look on my face.

“Took us exactly thirty seven seconds to start talking about sex”, Ye-ji commented. “Are you proud? That’s gotta be a record”, she raised her hand and high-fived Jimin across the table.

“We must be getting rusty”, I giggled.

At that point, I relaxed my muscles. Deep down I worried that things would be awkward and that we wouldn’t be able to talk, be honest and interact freely. Five years apart would be more than enough to change people, but our bond thankfully remained the same.

“How about you, did oppa have sex already?” Seo Ye-ji supported her pointy chin in her hand, batting her long eyelashes at me.

“I mean”, I coughed, suddenly feeling uncomfortable that she seemed to be staring into my soul and revealing all my secrets. Her presence was too intense. “Yes.”

My cheeks burned and it didn’t pass by unnoticed, it only gave them a reason to tease me even further. My heart felt a little warmer, even though I was being teased, because I had those people beside me. Seo Ye-ji was a woman now, me and Jimin were men, we had so much to share and learn with each other. We were eager to listen to Ye-ji’s stories from Japan, and she was eager to know about our lives without her. 

“Let me tell you, Japanese women are something else”, she gulped on her newly arrived beer as she went on about Japan. “You guys would love to date my friends.”

I looked at Jimin. Jimin looked at me. We did not say a word.

Ye-ji gracefully pulled out a pack of black cigarettes, held one of them in between her rosy heart-shaped lips and used a black lighter to put it on fire. It shocked me and Jimin that she was a smoker, but she proceeded to shock us even further. “I have had access to marijuana”, her low voice confessed to us.

Jimin’s jaw dropped and he covered his mouth with his hand. “Ye-ji, what the Hell?” 

“Don’t clutch your pearls, Jimin-ssi”, she dragged the smoke and let it out as though it was a choreographed dance. Her perfect posture and her unwavering expression almost made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. Ye-ji somehow looked cooler than she already did while smoking a cigar, as though she was born to do it. I felt the male gaze upon her, the demeanor of hers caught every man’s eyes in the room. I did not blame them.

“Ye-ji’s really become a woman, hasn’t she?” I commented to Jimin, with some sort of admiration, but his expression was of disgust.

“I guess”, he responded.

**you sunshine, you temptress**

****

Our flustered little faces laughed on and on about Ye-ji's stories of adapting to Japan and learning the language. She could make any story interesting, as she certainly did while explaining to us the cultural differences you'd only know if you were living there. She was a small woman, but she could hold down her liquor — me and Jimin were almost calling it a night when she stopped us from drinking while she continued gracefully sipping on the beer as though it was water. The only way for us to continue would be to give it a break, she explained. The key was to "know your limits".

"You don't seem to have one, though", Jimin commented as Ye-ji continued ordering liquor for herself.

"I am my own black rose*, Park Jimin", her round nose pointed up. "And  _ you  _ owe me a wish."

"Jiminie, we're screwed", I looked at my friend and we both came to the agreement that we were indeed screwed if we were to grant her a wish.

"And what wish must I concede the mademoiselle?" Jimin's plump lips pouted as though he was about to kiss someone. His jawline became sharper than a kitchen knife and his shiny hair, parted in the middle, framed his dark eyebrows perfectly. I had beautiful friends, I concluded.

"You'll find out later", she let us know, and Jimin’s laugh echoed soon after.

“We were so ugly back then”, I sipped on the water she had gotten for me. “Look at us now.”

“Speak for yourself”, Ye-ji fired.

I was paying attention to my pager and waiting eagerly for Jungkook’s signal, but I also worried about Jimin’s mental state in case he shows up here and miraculously tries to show more physical contact. I didn’t want to make my best friend uncomfortable, and while he’s still trying to learn how to deal with his feelings, I was determined to not make anything worse for him. He knew that I couldn’t accept his feelings for me, and I was glad I didn’t have to say it then, or else it would break my heart. That night, he seemed relaxed once Jungkook left and genuinely happy to be around Ye-ji and I, so my mission was to not ruin it.

At some point, while I worried about that and the two of them were chatting, Ye-ji excused herself to go to the toilet and I took the opportunity to be honest with Jimin. “Hey, dude. If you don’t want Jungkook to be here I can make up an excuse for them”, I pointed to the toilet, referring to Ye-ji and Jungkook.

The corner of Jimin’s mouth raised and his tiny pearly teeth shone. “I think Ye-ji really likes him, so it’ll be fun watching her flirt with him.”

“Ya”, I scolded him. “You’re evil.”

“I want to see how this goes”, he shrugged. “I’ll behave.”

“Jimin, it’s not about behaving. I just don’t want to cause any unwanted-”

The pager inside my back pocket vibrated against my skin and caught me off guard. I looked at the tiny screen informing me I had a new message, and it was about ten o’clock when I found a payphone to listen to Jungkook’s voice mail. I returned the call with Ye-ji and Jimin standing behind me, listening to my every word. She was tired of that bar and decided to have a round two at a Hard Rock Cafe near our location, Jungkook was supposed to meet us there in twenty minutes. Jimin and I understood that she never got to experience the country’s nightlife, so we gladly followed her lead, showing her every good spot and every bad spot to hang out.

“This is where I got dumped for the first time”, Jimin’s drunken feet jumped on the exact spot in front of a convenience store in Itaewon-dong. Ye-ji laughed as he seemed to have no hard feelings, just showing it off as though it was a tourist attraction.

“We had our first legal beer somewhere around here”, I looked around for the specific place, but couldn’t find it. The streets of that neighborhood ended up looking the same at every corner.

With Ye-ji clung onto both of our arms, we arrived at our destination. As her double eyelids felt a little heavier and her smile easier to provoke, it seemed that the alcohol had finally hit her while me and Jimin were ready for a second round. We met Jungkook, who was already waiting in line for us with the same leather jacket that revealed far too much of his muscles. He seemed happy to join our party, his own cheeks flustered with the alcohol he had been consuming before meeting us.

Thanks to Ye-ji and her persuasion power, we secured a well-disputed table on the third floor with four seats and a great view of the stage, where a random band played tunes the owners thought were what young people wanted to listen to. They weren’t bad, but I also didn’t pay attention to them, being too focused on the inner world we had built inside of that tiny table. Jimin held the huge cup of beer with his small chubby fingers, almost looking like a child who was gulping down half a liter of lager.

Ye-ji meant it when she said Jungkook would be her guest. She did not let the conversation with him drop, to the point where Jimin and I were being left out. It was amusing to see those two completely different people, who represented completely different periods of my life, interacting like they were longtime friends. 1989 and 1995 suddenly met at the table and they didn’t need my help to find things in common, but I wasn’t jealous. I couldn’t put a name to what I was feeling, for I had never felt it before. I would describe it as _ ‘they would look really good if they kissed and I would like it very much if I could participate’  _ kind of thing. 

I thought to myself that they must have put something on the beer, because there Jimin was, systematically brushing his hair back with his fingers and looking at me as though I was the only person at that table. I wouldn’t dare to admit it to myself once sobriety hit me, but being one hundred percent honest with myself,  _ I liked it _ . I liked it to the point where I had to look away because I couldn’t hold that stare for too long, amidst our video game and North American beer talk.

“Lager is different, or why would they even put that on the bottle?” Jimin took some good gulps of the liquid as though to analyze it. “You see? It’s different”, I watched his beer-wet plump lips move and slowly be dried off by the tip of his tongue.

“I didn't see it, pabo. You drank it all by yourself”, I scolded him for not sharing and got a laugh out of him. His chipped front tooth shone brightly as he threw his head back and attacked me with his tiny hands that had a life of their own when Jimin laughed sincerely. 

“Sorry”, embarrassed and with cheeks turned red, he brought his gaze back to me. I looked away in fear of what would happen if I decided to play that game of his.

“What are your first impressions, Jungkook-ssi?” Ye-ji questioned, with her perfectly drawn pink lips pouting at the mention of his name. Ever since she was just a teenager, Ye-ji knew exactly how to play her cards, and me and Jimin knew she was rolling the dice. We stopped to listen to how this would play out.

He looked down and gave it a thought, his freshly cut locks covering how red his cheeks became. “You’re the one who runs things around here”, he commented truthfully and unafraid of being honest, pointing to make it clear he was referring to us. “You seem like a good girl.”

“Oh, but I’m not”, she scoffed as the tip of her index finger went around the cup’s brim, her dark nail polish standing out compared to her pale skin.

“How about you?” Jungkook asked her back, with his earrings dangling as he leaned towards her.

“You seem terrified”, her gaze was unwavering. If Jungkook was unafraid of being honest, she was unafraid of being casually cruel. He parted his mouth as though to ask what she meant by it, but couldn’t find the words. “You’re constantly looking around, as if you’ve got something to hide”, her low-pitched voice calmly explained while she rested her chin on the palm of her hand, staring at him intrigued by his entire being. I knew exactly what she was feeling, for I too had been there.

Jungkook couldn’t maintain eye contact and turned away to gulp down his soju. It was amusing how she intimidated him. “If you looked like me, you’d be aware too”, he commented, which I could only imagine referring to his tattoos on display.

“Amazing”, Ye-ji bit onto her lip, on her tiny mouth, on her tiny face. Her petiteness was nothing compared to the greatness of her mind. “I’d like to unravel your secrets”, she smiled defiantly at Jungkook. She made her wish, but after that night, there would be no secrets to unravel.

I bit my inner cheeks, being able to recognize then that I was feeling jealous. What bothered me was that I didn’t know if I was jealous that  _ she  _ was the one  _ he  _ was blushing to, or that Jungkook was the target of  _ that  _ smile. Either way, I felt like I was witnessing an incredibly intimate moment, so I looked away, uncomfortably landing my stare upon Jimin. I asked myself if he was happy now, but our mind-reading skills weren’t sharp.

“I understand their obsession with you”, Jungkook’s words were slick and one could say, full of contempt.

“You should keep those comments to yourself”, Jimin was quick to catch it and scold him for it.

“Get a room, you two”, I provoked.

“This place is boring. Let’s go eat something outside, I’m craving street food, not this expensive american bullshit”, Ye-ji scorned, getting a laugh out of me. Her head darted in my direction, making her hair swirl with the sudden movement, and her painted fingernails reached out to my hand covering my mouth, and brought it to the table. The humorous laugh I was having turned into a question mark as to why she was suddenly holding my hand. “That big square smile of yours- it’s too beautiful for you to hide. Don’t you think?” Ye-ji directed her question to the guys at the table.

My cheeks were about to burst into flames. I panicked that she not only exposed me, but sought confirmation from the two men at the table. Men whom I had complicated relationships with and she was oblivious to the situation; the poor Ye-ji, if she only knew… She would do even worse.

“Don’t answer that. Let’s go grab something to eat”, I quickly moved along in an attempt to shift the target of the conversation.

We had no way of saying no to the girl who had spent five years without her country’s street food. So we followed her one more time. I couldn’t say that it was fun spending time with the three of them together. It was as much fun as it could be, considering Ye-ji and Jimin were there, but it was uncomfortable watching Jungkook give her so much of his attention. 

“Five bungeo-ppang, please”, I requested the vendor as I handed her the 1,000 won bill. She accepted with a friendly smile and handed me my request. “Thank you,  _ ahjumma [middle-aged woman] _ .”

“Just five?” Jungkook questioned. “Give me seven, please.”

“Is seven the perfect number?” I smiled at his beautiful features.

“I would say ten, but there’s too much soju in my belly”, he rubbed his stomach in a childish way that didn’t seem like it was on purpose. He didn’t notice, but my smile grew wider. “Thanks, ahjumma”, he addressed the middle-aged lady with short curly locks, who did not show as much friendliness to him as she did to me. 

We sat on the stools available and munched away on our snacks in the middle of the night. I felt sorry for ahjumma, who probably had no choice but to work so late on such cold nights. With a full stomach and drunk as a skunk, I was ready to go home.

“Let’s go watch the sunrise at the Namsan tower, what do you think?” Ye-ji suggested, proving to us that it wasn’t a joke when she said we’d be pulling an all nighter. To be quite honest, I didn’t want to. At three in the morning, I was tired and drunk and sleepy, but it was her first night back to her country, so I wanted to give her an experience.

Jimin seemed to match her excitement. “Let’s buy more drinks on the way.”

We stopped by a 24h FamilyMart and got ourselves a few bottles of soju to enjoy the sunrise as drunk as possible. We decided to walk there, which would take us around an hour, but Ye-ji said her high heels were thick and she was up for the adventure - all of which I am still trying to figure out the meaning of. The night was dark and moonless, the streets were cold and empty. All anyone could hear was our youthful bodies drunkenly stomping on the cement, marching through the city like we owned it. Ye-ji and Jungkook walked leading the way, each of them had their own soju bottles to which they would slowly sip from time to time, to warm their bodies when they felt cold. Jimin and I walked behind them, with my hands hidden in my pockets. We’d eventually pass by a fellow drunk, but we never paid too much attention to them, as they were all just minding their business most of the time.

We entered a narrow street with a considerable slope. There were two light poles available for the whole street, and closed doors of market places surrounded us. If we walked there any other time, those streets would’ve been filled with people just like us, trying to have fun. The air felt heavier than before, maybe because of the slope, I wouldn’t know. I also didn’t know why my heart started to beat fast when I spotted an  _ ahjussi [middle-aged man] _ stumbling on his feet in the distance. Everything must’ve happened in a matter of seconds, but I didn’t see it like that. With my vision blurred and reflex delayed from the alcohol, I could’ve sworn it was a dream, but the adrenaline that suddenly filled my body made sure to let me know that I was fully awake. He was just another drunk among many others we encountered that night. But he was walking towards us and I didn’t even have time to react.

“Get out of my country, you fucking punk!” He roared once he was close enough, and raised his arm like a baseball player, except that his ball was a half-full can of beer that landed straight into Jungkook’s face. “Scumbag!”

Jungkook visibly wasn’t prepared for that impact, as his body took a few steps back while his hands covered his face, a low moan coming from his freshly wounded head. I heard Ye-ji and Jimin cursing at the man, coming at him, but my instinct was to immediately check if Jungkook was fine, so I held his body, which was slowly curling up into a ball, and asked, “Are you okay?”

Jungkook’s big hands caught me off guard. This time there was no doubt whether it was an unconscious move from him. “Get out”, he said, with nothing but hatred in his voice, and harshly pushed me away. It was enough to make me stumble back, and with the level of alcohol in my blood, I couldn’t keep myself up, so I fell to the floor. Jungkook looked at me with a scratched, bloody face and a sorrowful expression, but it was too late.

I watched as Jimin stopped cursing at the ahjussi. His eyes were suddenly on me on the floor. He quickly gathered what happened, and redirected his cursing somewhere else. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jimin shouted as he pushed Jungkook around, but his limp body didn’t fight back.

My hands were stinging. I had to do something. I had been doing nothing this entire time. Just holding my breath. Holding back tears.  _ This entire time _ .

No one had shown me hatred except for him. No one had told me to hide except for him. He reminded me everyday, at every encounter, that I wasn’t enough. Every bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, it was him, not me. This was over before it even started and I knew it. I couldn’t bring myself to stop it, even though I knew how ruined we became as time went by. The love we shared within four walls was in a house of cards, and it was bound to crumble with the slightest of winds, with us two idiots inside.  _ Us _ . Such a foreign concept to me. 

It was better when he was a stranger.

I was snapped back into consciousness with a high pitched sound filling my ears. My eyes followed where that came from, it was Ye-ji, holding the brim of a skilfully broken bottle of soju, scaring away the man who caused all of this. Jimin quickly got back to her side to prevent that situation from ending any more badly than it already had, and I slowly got myself up.

“Baby…” Jungkook said, suddenly feeling affectionate. Suddenly feeling like he didn’t care to be gay in front of people.

I held my scratched hand on my chest protectively, as though to show him what he had done. The street was suddenly silent again, all of our deep breaths coming out as white smoke, revealing how the temperature had dropped. Jungkook took a step towards me, and I took a step back.

“Taehyung-ah”, his voice trembled. Down on the right side of his cheekbones rest a swollen red piece of meat, where the can had hit. It seemed like he would be fine.

“Get out of my sight.”

“What?” He asked even though he heard me, everyone around had.

“Jungkook-ssi”, I looked away as I batted away the tears with my eyelashes, spotting my two friends silently watching the scene. I didn’t care. “I love you. I really do”, my voice shook as I confessed for the first time, in such an unfortunate situation. My stare met with his again, where shy tears rolled down his swollen cheek. “But I love myself more. I hope you find that someday.”

“Tae-”

“Leave. Don’t come back.”

Jungkook looked at my friends standing a few feet away from us, still as two rocks and not a single sound coming from them. He seemed to ponder, and the conclusion was that I wasn’t worth it. Without formalities, the man turned on his heels and walked the opposite way. Even after all of this, I foolishly wished he would ask me to stay.

  
  


*if you can't take any more liquor, in South Korean culture you ask for a black knight (male) or a black rose (female) to drink your glass for you. This also grants the person a wish.

**louder than bombs**

****

The silence was deafening. The familiarity of saying goodbye was suffocating. There it was again, my old friend.  _ Grief _ . 

The problem with grief is that it doesn’t consider whether the person is alive or dead; all of those stages, denial, bargain, anger, that take over our minds and souls disorderly (and essentially simultaneously), will come at every goodbye. We were acquainted, grief and I. This was just one of many goodbyes I had shared before, so I endured it quietly, pretending it didn’t hurt for the sake of everyone around me. 

I somehow knew from the start that he was just a wayfaring stranger in my life, bound to leave sooner or later, bound to reclaim everything he gave away. I open-heartedly took whatever he was willing to give me, and maybe that’s where I went wrong. I dived in head first into shallow water, while there was an endless quiet sea within me waiting for him to plunge into. There was nothing like the sound of my heartbreaking that night, I was sure that the noise of me collapsing was enough to deafen anyone, but only I could hear it. Still on the outside, but colossal on the inside. There wasn’t such a thing as getting used to this.

Ye-ji and Jimin did not say a word about what happened the whole way there - and I hated it. They probably thought they were doing me a favor by pretending it didn’t happen, but it was pathetic how their pitiful eyes laid upon me. “I’m sorry you had to see that”, I commented when I was sure my voice wouldn’t fail.

“I will break that boy’s neck”, Ye-ji gritted her teeth, meaning every word that came out of her mouth. I chose to ignore it, I honestly hoped she would.

We quietly walked our way up the Namsan tower, but our tired little legs managed to walk halfway through the stairs and we judged it’d be enough to watch the sunset. We sat on the fortress wall, with my entire body shivering as my butt touched the rock and the cold wind directly hit my face. 

“You okay?” Jimin’s worried voice was barely a whisper as he handed me a bottle of soju, his dark eyes looked up at me with a crease between his eyebrows. I would soon pass out if I drank any more alcohol.

I exchanged eye contact between him and Ye-ji on both of my sides. “Ah, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

“I have to say, Kim Taehyung”, the corner of her mouth raised in a sassy smile. “You never fail to surprise me.”

“Bet you don’t see that in Japan”, I humorously joked about my own disgrace, looking into the horizon and feeling Ye-ji’s heavy gaze upon my reddish cheeks.

“One thing that I’ve done after I left”, she recalled our conversation earlier in the evening to tell us something. “Is- Have sex with a man.”

Jimin and I chuckled. “Me too”, I added, following the remark with a sad grin.

“ _ Aish _ ”, Jimin loudly complained by my side.

“What?” My neck snapped when I quickly turned to him.  _ ‘It’s not like you’ve never thought about it’ _ , is what I wanted to say. “You too?” I provoked instead.

“ _ Aaaaaish _ ”, Jimin complained louder and looked away to hide his cheeks turning red. I chuckled at his embarrassment. “Ye-ji, do you think about coming back to Seoul after college?” He desperately made efforts to try and change the topic as soon as possible, not worrying if he was doing it smoothly or not.

Ye-ji, however, took the bait. “Yeah”, she smiled. “All the time. But it’s weird, you know? I look at this place and it doesn’t feel like home anymore. Neither does Osaka. I just feel constantly… Adrift. In every single way”, her smile slowly faded as her eyes revealed her true emotions. I wasn’t sure what she was talking about.

Way before we could see the sun, the sky slowly turned pink and purple, the clouds finally being visible in that warm-toned ocean of colors. The big star peeked beyond the concrete jungle we called Seoul, and we watched it change the immensity before us.

“Oh, this is nice”, Ye-ji commented, holding her legs up to her chest. “The sun is infinite, it won’t ever stop coming even after I’m dead. That’s reassuring- knowing that life goes on regardless.”

“I guess. Or it just makes everything pointless”, Jimin supported his head on his hand, not particularly paying much attention to the scenery, rather spending his time playing with loose rocks in front of his crossed legs.

And I guessed he was right. Everything was pointless to the extent where every single worry is meaningless. The sun will shine, the planets will align regardless of whether my heart is broken or not. I was sick and tired of restraining myself in fear, the universe within me was meaningless to the outside, so why would I spend so much time overthinking every weightless step I take on this Earth? Nothing changed if I was in pieces, nothing changed if my universe collapsed one more time. It’s just another Saturday.

My eyes laid upon Jimin, caught up in his own thoughts with his head pending to the side.  _ ‘So many straints for no reason at all’ _ , I thought as I recognized my friend’s own inner struggles. I knew it was probably the alcohol, or maybe this was something that had been awakened in me. It felt like an electrostatic discharge covered my spine when I decided to lean my body towards Jimin. With a pout, I placed an immaculate peck over his plump, clueless lips. He responded by holding his breath at my sudden proximity and with his muscles tensed, our lips hung on for a few seconds, ecstatic and frozen, no other touch except our hot pink flesh. 

A lightning strikes one mile away from your location if it takes five seconds between the flashing light and the thunder; Jimin and I lingered amidst that like a catastrophe that was bound to happen. We existed between lightning and thunder, one mile apart, and once the loud rumble echoed five seconds later, I pulled away. Jimin was still in the same position, but with a slight pout to the fullness of his lips.

I didn’t give it too much of a thought, it was just something I wanted to try, but Jimin’s little eyes looked back at me scandalized. “That’s not fair, I wasn’t ready”, he scolded me in a high-pitched voice that got a laugh out of me. “ _ Daebak _ , you’re unbelievable.”

“Can you fucking chill?” Ye-ji called us out, reminding me that she was still there. She took a deep, tired, drunken breath. “Things have changed a lot.”

“You’ve changed too”, Jimin fired back, with a tone that was more accusing than Ye-ji ever meant to.

“What do you do when people change too much? Is it okay to let go?” She questioned, still paying attention to the scenery. She didn’t seem to be asking it  _ to  _ us, neither talking  _ about _ us.

“Of course”, I answered nonetheless. “It’s pointless to remain in a relationship you’re no longer compatible with.”

I wondered if Jungkook and I were ever compatible, or if I even knew what that meant. Looking at the two people surrounding me, I concluded that this is what perfect compatibility meant - but I had no clue how to transfer that to a romantic relationship.

“Are you talking about us?” The black-haired hyung fired, not hiding his hurt feelings towards the maknae’s questioning.

“No”, she seemed sincere. “I’m talking about me.”

After a moment of silence where we tried to understand what she meant, Jimin vocalized our confusion. “Care to explain?”

“It’s just that- and I’m saying this because you’re the only two people in the world who I can be honest with”, she warned and we listened carefully. “I’m on my own a lot. So I think that maybe I’m too much for everyone around me- maybe I change too much- maybe I’m too much to handle. Truth is, I always feel as though I’m a hindrance to everyone’s life. My parents, my friends, even my dog’s life would be better without me.”

“What are you saying?” My voice got higher at the absurdity delivered to us. “That’s nonsense- you’re amazing.”

“Ji”, the hyung seemed as astonished as me. “You’re literally my favorite person on Earth. Don’t make me go over there”, Jimin threatened with a very serious scowl on his tiny face, which thankfully got a laugh out of Ye-ji.

“Oppa, I love you”, her lips smiled, but her eyes didn’t follow. 

“Who are you talking to?” I humorously questioned as I noticed she hadn’t used the plural particle after  _ ‘oppa’ _ .

“You both, I love you two people!”

“D’ya hear that, Jiminie?” I turned my head to him, who had a huge smile that lit up his entire inebriated face.

“I feel recharged”, we had a laugh together and then made sure to express how much we loved her back. 

When the sun had finished its daily ritual, I suggested we take a cab home, for I had to work in just a few hours and I was having a hard time keeping myself up. It was around six-thirty in the morning when we managed to climb down the hill and get to the main street, where people were already leaving to work and starting their day. I felt like a useless addition to society watching those people when my day hadn’t even ended yet, but it was fairly interesting to watch life happen from that perspective - every eye so busy on the road, or looking for the bus they needed to catch, and they wouldn’t even pay attention to their surroundings or at how beautifully blue the sky looked.

We sent Ye-ji off on a cab headed to her hotel and shared a separate one headed towards my house. I closed my eyes, when I opened them again, we were in front of my house with the driver impatiently waking me up. I looked to my side, Jimin was also passed out on the back seat, so I gave him a good shake so we could pay for the ride together. “You good to go home?”

“Probably”, he yawned as we left the car.

“You can stay here”, I offered, considering we were right in front of my house and although Jimin lived near, my bed was nearer. He groaned at me as an answer and walked into my building.

We lazily removed our shoes, Jimin walked straight to my room while I turned the heater on. “Are you glad about today?” I asked him.

He didn’t offer me an answer, too focused on stripping down to his underwear and climbing into my bed. I was sure he probably hadn’t even heard me when I watched him support his head on the pillow and shut his eyes with a slight smirk on the corners of his mouth. “I’ll consider that a yes”, I said to myself, my own lips smiling at him like a reflex as I removed the several layers of clothes from my body.

I shut the drapes so we could sleep better and lied beside him with a heavy sigh, with that sense of relief to be in my bed after a long night taking over me. The room slowly became warmer with the heater doing its job, and the sound of our tired breathing normalizing alongside the cars roaring on the street was all we could hear. I was sure Jimin was already asleep, but he surprised me with his low voice calling my name. Confused, I opened my eyes and immediately met with his staring back at me, with his bangs falling to the side. 

“What you did wasn’t fair”, Jimin’s gaze was heavy and intense, but I didn’t know what it meant. I figured maybe he was hurt that I kissed him even though I didn’t reciprocate his feelings, and it indeed was unfair.

“I’m sorry”, I limited my words.

“You shouldn’t apologize.”

“What should I do, then?”

“You should do it right”, he confidently replied. “Like this”, Jimin slowly approached me, gently meeting his plumpness with mine for the second time that day. I was caught off guard and the surprise made my heart skip a beat, but I closed my eyes nonetheless. Different from the first one, he was responsive and affectionate, brushing our alcoholic lips against each other with our heads resting on the pillow. It was a lazy kiss, as though we could fall asleep at any second, adding in to the type of intimacy we always had, that freeness of being honest. With his cold hands cupping my jawline and his tongue serpentining into my mouth, I felt the body I knew so well from a new perspective, making my heart beat at a new rate. His lips felt different from Jungkook’s, rather fuller and more urgent with his movements than his ever were. The velvet-like softness of his danced with mine as though they had a life of their own, sharing the innermost choreography as his sweet cologne filled my lungs. I don’t know how long we stayed like this, so intimately tasting each other, but a time came when we simply broke our kiss and closed our eyes without sharing a word. It was on that January 25th, of the year 1996, we surrendered to our desires and embraced the exhaustion afterward.

**i break**

****

Everything is more painful when you’ve had your heart broken. Everything you’ve ever enjoyed doesn’t exist anymore, because you’re too focused on what you are feeling to pay attention to something else. I’ve had my fair share of goodbyes, so the good thing about it is the certainty that no matter how dark the shadows below me grow, I will be fine.

Common thoughts after a break up are to not be able to go to certain places without thinking about that person. That happened everywhere for me. Jungkook was everywhere. In every corner, in every book, in every meal. I couldn’t go to work the day after without thinking of the time he showed up at the bookstore knowing that I worked there, with the intention of inviting me to his party. Or other times he picked me up just to spend some extra time with me, or to fix something he had done wrong. When he showed me his favorite record, when he serenaded me a pop song telling me he loved me. Jungkook was in every man with a long sleeve, every man with long hair I saw on the street. He was inside of my head no matter how hard I tried to push him away.

Jungkook took over my mind from the moment I saw him. The fact that I had no idea who he was and what he hid behind those layers lured me to him like no one else before, so my mind was clouded trying to figure out who he was from the start. I’m sure I still don’t have the answers, although I understand a little bit behind his reasoning for acting the way he did. He wasn’t at fault, but what I’ve felt coming from him wasn’t pleasant, and I did not want to stick around trying to teach him how to treat me properly. As much as I enjoyed his company at times, I did feel the hatred he was talking about, but it came from no one else but him. It felt better when Jeon Jungkook was a stranger.

“Noona”, I called for Mi-soo in the middle of the afternoon on that Saturday. “Do you know what being in love really feels like?”

“What’s that out of nowhere?” She questioned me with a suspicious look in between her eyebrows. “I think so?”

“There’s no such thing as being truly in love.”

“Care to explain?”

“We’re just…” I began, batting away the memories of Jungkook so that I could have a proper conversation. “We’re in love with the idea of that person. We’re in love with the person we imagine them to be… We’re disappointed once we realize they don’t exist and they probably never loved you in the first place.”

“Aish”, she complained and impatiently organized the shelf nearest to her. “Kim Taehyung. You’re so stupid.”

“I’m begging you to tell me I’m wrong”, my hands folded in uncertainty.

“Love, my  _ dongsaeng _ , comes in every way, shape, and form”, she started. “Some people will disappoint you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you. You’ve been raised by your parents and you’ve been taught what love is by them. I’ve been raised by my parents and I’m conditioned to love in the way they’ve shown me how… Sometimes, love between two people will clash”, she clapped her hands together for effect. “As much as you love each other, you just don’t recognize what you’re receiving as love, and you get disappointed, and you think it’s someone’s fault. It’s not. Shit happens, move on.”

I pouted my lips as I took in all the information I had been given. “That makes sense like pieces in a puzzle”, I commented as I compared everything she said with the case in my hands. “Have you moved on from Jimin?”

She laughed. “You can’t move if you’ve never even parked there, d’ya get what I’m saying?”

“I… Don’t”, I laughed too. “I mean…”

We covered our mouths out of embarrassment and laughed it off, I could feel my cheeks burn at the sudden sexual innuendo, but I wouldn’t dare to go any further than that. I was suddenly reminded of Jimin, who was probably still lying on my bed at that very moment.

I left my apartment that afternoon with just a few hours of sleep in my system thanks to Ye-ji and Jimin, and left the hyung passed out only to find him gone when I came back at night. I figured he probably woke up and went back to his apartment, and that I shouldn’t think too much of it. Nevertheless, I worried. I hoped that he was in a good mental state and that I didn’t fuck everything up. I kept telling myself that what happened between us didn’t have to be a big deal, our friendship didn’t have to suffer any consequences because of it. We just had to pretend that nothing happened and everything would be like the old days, before Jungkook even became a part of my life.

I received Jimin’s call that night, and it answered a few of my questions. We were indeed pretending that nothing happened, but it wasn’t like before. His voice was hesitant over the phone, apprehensive with his words.

“Do you know where Ye-ji is staying?” Although he went straight to the point, he seemed insecure when talking to me. “She hasn’t called or visited today.”

“I have no idea, she didn’t give me her hotel information”, I found that my voice seemed just as weird when talking to him. A moment of silence lingered and I hated that I didn’t know what to say next, or that I even felt the need to fill in what was once a comfortable silence. “She’s probably sleeping, don’t worry. She’ll show up tomorrow.”

“Alright… See ya…”

“Bye…”

The phone hit the line with a relieved sigh from my mouth.

I didn’t expect Jungkook to look for me, and I had to do everything in my power not to look for him either. As much as I wanted to pick up the phone and tell him to come back when I thought about everything good between us, the bad was still present, and it outweighed the good.

After a long night’s sleep, Sunday morning came, and with it came a cup of coffee with cinnamon to ease my mood. I would then have to get used to not having Jungkook in my life, I had been seeing him practically every weekend and it’s amazing how fast we can get used to people. It’s hard to get them out once they’ve got in. With my own home being the stage of some of my favorite moments with him, it was hard to inhabit that place without thinking of him.

I had just finished my drink when the doorbell struck me out of my reflective thoughts. I wondered who it was, for I had been looking out the window observing the street and didn’t notice anyone I knew coming in the building. My fists clung tighter on the door handle when my eyes caught Jungkook on the other side, and it immediately brought a shiver up my spine. He had his head down as though he couldn’t bear to look at me, wearing the same leather jacket he was wearing a few nights before. His hands seemed to cling onto the fabric of my bright yellow jacket just as tightly as I held onto the doorbell - as though this is what was keeping my legs straight. I was genuinely surprised by his visit, so I forgot to say hello.

Jungkook brought his arm forward and with it came my jacket. I hesitantly took it from his tattooed hand, feeling like I should say something because he had been at my doorstep for a long time without looking me in the eyes and not a word came out of our mouths.

“Can we talk?” He finally said after realizing I wasn’t inviting him in.

I took a step back as a silent answer to his question, and he got into my apartment kicking his Timberland boots off. The fresh smell of his cologne intoxicated me like a drug addiction I was trying to survive from, the way that his body moved into my living room reminded me of why I was so crazy about him. Jungkook’s every move was flawless, he seemed so balanced and in control the entire time - even when he was stumbling drunk and out of his mind, he was in control. I guess that’s why Friday night was so shocking to me. It was a side of him I wasn’t prepared to see.

I closed the door behind us and crossed my arms as I became conscious that I was wearing pajamas. He turned on his heels to face me, still staring at his feet while his knees bent ever so slowly.

“What are you doing?” My heartbeat mismatched with the realization of what was happening. Eventually, his knees hit the floor, glued to one another as his head hung forward. “Jungkoogah-”

“I’m sorry”, his voice shook. I strongly bit my lip as I held back the tears creeping in. “Taehyungah… I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me”, his deep voice dragged out the words that came out almost like a whisper as he begged. “I have been an idiot this whole time. But you… You were good- perfect, even. You didn’t deserve someone like me in your path.”

“Don’t fucking say that”, I eagerly stopped him and failed to control my own voice or my own feelings. “Jungkoogah…” I breathed out, covering my face to hide the fact that tears began to stream down. I didn’t want him to see that.

“Just listen to me, please”, with his hands shut on tight fists over his thighs and his hair draping in front of his face, I couldn’t see his expression. “You are so good and I’m so sorry”, his voice pitch got a little higher, a sign that he was crying too. Soon, wet little tear spots covered his blue jeans. “I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you, you didn’t deserve it. I have been stupid, and selfish, and I know I’m not easy to love- but you’ve shown me how good it feels like to be loved. I saw a little bit of myself in you, and then I saw someone who I aspire to be. I don’t want to hold you back… And I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing.”

I rest my back on the wall behind me and prepared myself for the things I was about to say. “You…  _ Pabo _ . You really can’t see what’s right in front of your face. You’ve changed my life completely. If I’m the person standing before you right now, it’s because of you!”

“What?” He briefly peeked through his hair to look at me.

“I had been denying myself my entire life before you came in. I am not going to sit here and pretend that it was perfect, but I can’t deny that my life was better because I had you in it”, I sniffed.

“Then… Do you think you can forgive me?” Jungkook looked at me for the first time, I could see the wound from a few nights before on the highest point of his cheekbone. I was reminded of the dull sound of the can hitting his face, how he stumbled back from the impact, how scared he must’ve been. How he pushed me away knowing that it was me.

My eyebrows furrowed at the sudden eye contact. “I can forgive you, Jungkook. But it’ll take time.”

“Do you hate me?”

“I could never truly hate you”, I was honest.

“Taehyungah…” His gaze was brought back to his thighs. “I’m so ashamed of myself. For the entirety of this relationship, I was incredibly stupid, insecure, and jealous of you.”

“There’s nothing we can do about that now”, I cut him off before we touched on any other useless topics.

“I was jealous of- of you and Jimin”, he confessed. My entire body stiffened at the mention of him. “You are so incredibly close and I somehow felt threatened by that from the start. I convinced myself that you were-”

“Jungkook, there’s really no use to talk about that now.”

I watched him bite onto his lip and push away his thoughts. A long moment of silence followed, but it didn’t feel uncomfortable. I let my body drag down the wall and sat on the floor a couple of meters away from him, holding my well-known jacket that now had his own scent impregnated on it. I cursed him in my head for deciding to be honest when it was too late.

In his presence, it was hard for me to remember the bad side. Being alone with him confessing his feelings towards me, I couldn’t recognize the man that hurt me so many times. I wasn’t resentful, and his own company felt like a remedy to the pain he had caused me.

“I don’t want to lose you”, he suddenly revealed, and my head turned to him in surprise. “Taehyungah… I love you.”

“Oh, why are you saying these things-”, my voice cracked.

“Because maybe it’s not too late. It doesn’t have to be. I am willing to change, so it doesn’t have to be-”

“You don’t want to be with me”, I warned, thinking of the things I’ve done only a few hours after we broke up.

“Of course I do!” Jungkook’s eyes met mine, and I looked away and offered no answer to what he was saying. I could see his body on all fours and heading closer to me with the corners of my eyes. Upon feeling his warmth so close to me, my body shrank. I held my knees close to my chest protectively as though to let him know I wasn’t comfortable with his proximity. However, he was suddenly feeling very willing to cover me with his gaze, his wet eyelashes and bright red eyeballs were so luring and vulnerable, I had to look back at him. He hesitantly touched the exposed skin on my arm, his hand felt warm against me and it brought a response straight to my heart. I was terrified at how good it felt.

“Jungkook-ssi”, I said as though I was begging him not to ask me this.

“Taehyung-ah, I can be better. Trust me.”

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what was about to come. I was sure his posture would change once he heard the truth, and he deserved to know everything before continuing that conversation. 

“I kissed Jimin.”


	6. So bad, us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taehyung and Jungkook don't have the closure they wished they had. The friendship between Taehyung and Jimin is deeply affected by the youngest heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update! This is the last chapter of House of Cards, the first part of the STRANGER series. I hope you liked it.  
> Please give it some love if you do.  
> Stephanie <3

**so bad, us**

What was I supposed to do? He deserved to know the truth even though it might make him hate me. I was willing to accept whatever feeling came my way from him, but I couldn’t stand sitting there watching him beg me to take him back without knowing the whole truth. Jungkook deserved to know the type of person I was.

“I kissed Jimin”, I confessed, looking at him straight in those pleading eyes that slowly became forsaken. He was silent as the crease between his eyebrows grew deeper, the dark locks on his head turning messier as the conversation progressed. “I said I kissed Jimin”, I repeated as though begging him to say something.

Jungkook’s warm hand left my arm. Like a vain, pointless dream, I hoped he would stay like this, touching me a little longer. “I heard you the first time”, with the tone of his voice drastically changing, he looked away. He shook his head in disbelief, sparing a chuckle, and it only made his hair look slovenlier than before. “I fucking knew it- I didn’t want to say anything, afraid that I might sound crazy, but I fucking knew it-”

“What the Hell are you implying?” My tone became harsher alongside his.

Jungkook showed me a cocky smile. “ _ Aish- _ From the moment I saw you, I knew there was a lot more to it. You don’t love each other as brothers, that much is true”, he subtly dragged his body farther from mine.

“Don’t be ridiculous, it was just a kiss. I don’t feel the same way-”

My eyes widened at what I had just let slip and cursed at my ancestors for giving me such a big mouth - physically and metaphorically. I groaned in disapproval of myself, covering my face in absolute hatred of the conversation I was having.

“You see, Kim Taehyung. There’s no such thing like intuition. If something smells, it’s because it is rotten.”

“What?” I laughed, incredulous of what I was hearing from him, my heart suddenly racing as a reaction to his poisonous words. “That’s rich, especially coming from you. You know nothing about my relationship with Jimin, and you never will. So I suggest you shut your mouth before you make a fool of yourself.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I’m not the one sleeping with someone else while in a relationship”, his voice became more aggressive as he accused me. “I guess I was the fool, wasn’t I? Showing up at your doorstep Sunday morning to apologize to you and another man sends me away with no  _ fucking  _ clothes on”, he pointed to my door, recollecting the time. “How the  _ fuck  _ do you think that made me feel?”

“Nothing  _ fucking  _ happened!” I shouted, not caring if the neighbors could hear us. “The only thing that  _ fucking  _ happened was you sabotaging this entire relationship because you  _ fucking  _ hate being gay!”

To say that I didn’t know where that came from would be a lie. That was bottled up inside of me for weeks, but still, I shouldn’t have said it. I lost my temper, and I hurt someone I loved in exchange for nothing, and it showed by the way he didn’t react. Jungkook was so taken aback by what I said that all we could hear was our heavy breathing, a natural reaction to the anger slowly building inside our bodies throughout that conversation.

It was hard saying goodbye to him. This is not how I wanted something as beautiful as what I felt for him to end. I wanted his respect, and I wanted him to think of good things when he reminisced about me in five years from now. I wanted to be the one that got away because he was a fool not to hold onto me, not the jerk, vindictive, cheating bastard I became. Jeon Jungkook walked out of my apartment without giving me the chance to apologize for what I said, and that’s what hurt me the most.

The sound of the door smashing behind him lingered for what felt like hours in my eardrums, and the promise I had made to myself to not cry over him was long gone. I stayed on the floor that day, still feeling the smell of him in my arms, on that yellow piece of clothing. I would probably never see him again, so I better get used to it. I suddenly understood how he felt, for I was sorry that I ever crossed his path.

I ate nothing and carried on eating close to nothing the following days. Jimin called me several times, but I couldn't face him. I even forgot that Ye-ji was in town, and was reminded when my best friend showed up at my doorstep, seeming awfully distressed because of her.

"Why don't you pick up the phone? God! I haven't heard from Ye-ji ever since Friday", Jimin's slim figure barged into my apartment, the stage of my own self-loathing for the past few days. "Why won't she contact us?"

"Jimin-ssi", I tiredly rubbed my temples as I closed the door, my voice low and rough because I hadn't spoken for hours. "She's fine, we're not her only friends, you know? She didn't give us her contact on purpose."

"What?" His eyebrows raised as though I had hurt him somehow, but it wasn't my fault. "What are you saying?" Jimin's voice, so much more fragile compared to mine, made me feel terrible for saying those things.

"I told you to not get your hopes up, I'm sorry."

"We were supposed to…"

"Stop clinging to the past. People change and relationships change with them. We're not her best friends anymore", I tried to break it to him in a way that didn't seem like a scold, because it really wasn't. Those kinds of changes take a toll on Jimin, and he finds it difficult to adapt. But it's been five years, for God's sake, I can’t sugarcoat everything for him forever.

He seemed to snap back into reality after my words hit him, and looked around for the first time since he came in. "Are you okay? You look rough…"

"I feel rough."

“I’m sorry...”

There it was again, the silence. I was ashamed of myself for not cleaning my apartment or taking a shower, but most importantly, by being so overwhelmingly hurt by someone else in front of him. I didn’t want him to see me like this, because I knew it’d hurt him too.

“There’s nothing to feel sorry about”, I reassured him.

The first week is always the hardest, and I was sure that everything would feel better after it. I would slowly get used to not having Jungkook in my life anymore, and somehow forgive myself for the pain I’ve caused him, and find it within me to forgive him too.

The day came when Seokjin showed me and Jimin the tapes from our trip, and the photos we took from my camera. I didn’t know, but he secretly got the film to develop, knowing that I wouldn’t do it any time soon by myself - and he was right. I saw myself in a few of those clips, wearing my red jacket and seeming happy even though I wasn’t for most of that trip.

“Where’s Jungkook? Why didn’t he come to watch it with us?” Hoseok inquired, to which I only responded with a shrug. There we sat, sipping on our beers in the same living room I was so happily invited to that trip. I bit onto my lip at one of many awkward situations I would encounter because of our breakup.

“Oh, this is from McDonald’s, we were just testing out the camera, it’s before we got to Chuncheon”, Seokjin explained when a bunch of hamburgers came up on the TV.

Jungkook eventually appeared on screen. He was wearing my jacket, holding the american drink in between his fingers as he said hello to the camera. I was suddenly transported to that time, and it felt like I was seeing him right in front of me. I could feel his smell, I could still touch him as I clenched on the cold drink in my hand.

I strongly bit my lip one more time and looked down, not bearing to have those memories back. I excused myself to the veranda to get some air, taking the beer with me and seeking some alone time to let a few tears drop at the vivid sight of an ex lover. He was beautiful.

“Taehyung-ah… You okay?” Jimin’s voice came from afar. Those were the only words we had been saying to each other for days. I quickly dried my tears and pretended to be enjoying the view.

“ _ Ye _ .”

He slowly approached me without saying a word. I saw him with the corners of my eyes with his hands inside of his pockets, with a significant gaze begging me to look back at him, to see him too, the way I saw Jungkook. But I wasn’t strong enough to give him what he wanted from me, I wouldn’t be able to look at him and not show how much I was hurting, so I kept looking away. Jimin’s dark, small eyes did not leave me, and in a silent act of compassion, he tapped my shoulder and walked away as though this was just about as much comfort as he could offer me. 

**epilogue: corpocontinente**

****

I could only be certain of what happened within the immensity of my body; whatever happened outside of the limits of my skin was strange to me. The only certainty that I had was that my skin ached for his, my body pulsated towards anything and anyone that remotely resembled him. I was yet to understand what it feels like to miss someone that was still alive, and Jungkook indeed taught me how. Things that only made sense with him, like listening to a Joni Mitchell album or paying a visit to Gangnam-gu, seemed as though the dialect between the two of us was unspoken and long forgotten. From time to time, something would spark a memory of him, like a silly ginger street cat that looked a bit too much like Bob — and I would surprise even myself for knowing the name of his stupid cat.

Although nothing heals quite like time, I walked on the immensity of other people in search of a remedy, but nothing and no one felt quite like him. 

Whatever happened between me and Jimin, I wanted to believe that if we didn’t talk about it, everything would eventually go back to the way things were:  _ completely fine _ . But that was just not true, things were never fine between us. What happened that night of the 25th was just a result of months, Hell, years of unsaid truths that bottled up and turned into a tumor in our friendship. Once I swore my love for Jungkook to Jimin, a part of his light died down. Once he saw how happy I was with someone else, it only made him feel worse. And finally, once he witnessed how completely broken Jungkook had made me, he wanted to be a friend and offer the support I needed. His tiny hands were reluctant to touch me every time, and I was reluctant to show how much I was hurting. It wasn’t fair of me to ask Jimin to stay when he couldn’t sit and watch me suffer because of another man, so I understood when he decided to step away. We slowly drifted apart, suddenly not seeing each other as much, not sharing our daily meals between classes. I watched as my best friend became a stranger, hoping to reconnect when I felt emancipated from the feelings I had towards Jungkook. I had lost the two most important people in my life, but I knew that making him stay would do more harm than good. I hated what I had done to us, so I let him have the space he needed so we could both heal from the heartache.

There was nothing I could do except wait until it didn't hurt anymore.


End file.
